Escape Routes – Train of Thought at Budapest-Nyugati (Rendezvous With An Obscure Destiny #55)

When I look back at photos of my travels in Eastern Europe, I cannot help but notice how many images I have of the arrivals and departures board at Budapest-Nyugati Train Station. I have been entranced with that board since the first time I laid eyes on it twelve years ago. Every time I return to Budapest, I find myself standing in front of it on multiple occasions. I find the white lettering and blue background mesmerizing. The place names are redolent of past trips and future possibilities. The options seem endless while standing beneath the great glass canopy of the main hall. I can see trains readying for departure or arriving at the station. The eyes of travelers scan the list of arrivals and departures, then head off to board a train or greet friends and family members upon arrival. Ironically, when I find myself staring at the board, I usually have no idea where I am going. There are so many options that I have trouble making up my mind. I find this intoxicating and a bit maddening.

Everywhere & Nowhere – The Strangest Satisfaction

The list of destinations on the departures board is always of special interest to me. I love seeing all the different options, knowing that I could be in Szekesfehervar for lunch, Szombathely for dinner, and Sopron later that evening. I am enchanted by the thought of alighting at one of Hungary’s smaller cities. Vac is just half an hour away, Varpalota a little over an hour, Veszprem a bit more than that. Such names recall earlier visits. I begin to ask myself, what would it be like to make a return visit or perhaps it is time to try an entirely new destination. This is a game that I like to play by myself. It would drive most people insane, but I find it seductive to the point of sublime. ?Before I get anywhere near purchasing a ticket, I have usually moved on to another option. I have trouble deciding which place I should pick. So, I move on to the next one. Will it be Hatvan or Szeged, Hortobagy or Szekszard? It hardly seems to matter. I just need an escape route.

The only thing better than escaping to a foreign land is fleeing within one. I feel an incredible urge to be where no one else can find me. There is something strangely satisfying about traveling to Kecskemet, Komarno or Kormend. Places I would have never previously thought of if I had not come to Hungary. Nor did I ever want to visit them until they appeared on the arrivals and departures board. They offer me another way out. A journey to an obscure place for which I have not the slightest personal connection is a wonderful feeling. I have been addicted to it for as long as I can remember. Like all addictions, this one comes with a cost. Escape is not always the answer, but it does raise the question of why I feel an overwhelming urge to leave. Paradoxically, I have recently realized all my escape routes lead back to the one thing from which I cannot escape.

Lost & Found – Missing Persons Report

Leaving. That is what I have spent a large part of my life doing. No matter where I am at, no matter how content I am with my life, no matter how much I might miss everything that surrounds me, I dream of leaving. There is an exit strategy buried deep inside of me waiting for a moment of opportunity. This took me a long time to realize. Only by seeing it in other people did I begin to see it within myself. I once had a colleague who fought on the frontlines in multiple wars. He managed to survive, but most of those he fought with did not. By observing him, I came to realize that his survival strategy was to escape. He always found a way out. I would see him and then he would vanish, sometimes for hours or even days at a time. His disappearing act was remarkable. Weeks would go by when he never made his presence felt.

Then he would just as suddenly reappear. He did not make any reference to where he had been, nor did he try to hide his whereabouts. This was disconcerting. Where had he been all that time? What was he doing? I began to wonder if he even knew the answers to these questions. After talking with him in detail about his battlefield experiences, I now realize why he could not help but escape. I believe he was only physically present in the workplace. Psychologically, he was still on the battlefield trying to vanquish the enemy. Unfortunately, he was fighting himself. That was an enemy he could not defeat. I knew the feeling. ?

Departure Destiny - No Going Back

My enduring train travel fantasies run much deeper than wanderlust. They are buried deep in my subconscious. Inextricably intertwined with repressed memories from my childhood. For the longest time, I did not realize why I found the list of departures so dazzling. Then while sitting thousands of kilometers and an ocean away from Budapest-Nyugati, it suddenly dawned on me that I was repeating the most traumatic experience of my childhood. At the age of six, I witnessed my father leaving. Not for work or the grocery store, but to escape one life for another. The life he left behind involved my mother, brother, sister, and me.

This trauma had a lasting effect upon me that I am only now beginning to realize. I learned a hard lesson from his escape. Specifically, that you always need an escape route. Whether it is in life, work, or travel, do everything you can to never get trapped. The way out may not be easy, but options should always abound. Travel allows me to satisfy the urge to leave. Physically I have returned from these trips. Psychologically, I am still there as my mind mulls over the list of departures from Budapest-Nyugati. This is my eternal dream come true. All I have to do is take the next train. Should I go to Tata or Tokaj, Pecs or Papa? I am not quite sure where to go, but I realize the time for departure is nigh. There will be no going back.