There is no Escape!
David Langiulli
10+ years Coaching 100s of Executives at Harvard, UNICEF, Yale, USO, Princeton, & More | Jiu-Jitsu World Champion Black Belt | 7x Published Author
Escape from family. Escape from friends. Escape from co-workers or colleagues.
Escape from a job. Escape from a boss. Escape from a location.
Escape from emotions.
I've tried escaping from all of these. Unfortunately, there is no escape! Especially from the latter.
Let's say, for example, somebody says something to you or something unwanted happens, it can hurt.
So you try to avoid that feeling of hurt. Who among us has not tried this?
You tell yourself that if you blame the other person (or the event), then you'll feel better.
However, that brings only temporary relief. It's more like throwing gas on a fire. You say: "Okay, let's pour some gas on it. Let's bite someone's head off."
[Did I hear someone say: "cable news"?]
That's just a way of avoiding (or escaping) what we're feeling.
It is more skillful (and beneficial) to stay present with difficult emotions and let go of the storyline when we get upset.
In the end, there is no escape! As the chain gang Captain says in the film Cool Hand Luke: "You gotta get your mind right."
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And then, once you do that, the desire for certainty may come up. You want security in your job. And, you definitely don't want to be vulnerable with family, friends, or colleagues. You want to control people and situations. After all, isn't that what management is all about?
Unfortunately, there is no escape from uncertainty.
As Pema Ch?dr?n once said, "Groundlessness, uncertainty, insecurity, vulnerability—these are words that ordinarily carry a negative connotation. We're generally wary of these feelings and try to escape them in any way possible. But groundlessness isn't something we need to avoid. The same feeling we find so troubling can be experienced as a huge relief, as freedom. It can be experienced as a mind so unbiased and relaxed that we feel expansive and joyful."
At work (and other areas of life) we're all taught to set goals. Write them down. We're encouraged to take massive action. Achieve results. All in service of getting what we or our organization wants. All in the service of eliminating uncertainty.
There's nothing necessarily wrong with that.?Until it stops working.?And, at some point in your life, it WILL stop working.
And then, you'll want to escape from the self-criticism (or, criticism from others) that arises when you don't reach your goals.
These days, I'm getting more comfortable with not knowing, not doing, and not driving. I'm giving up control and allowing things to unfold.
It's something I call: "sourcing NOT forcing." It's my intention for 2022. [Notice, it's not a goal.]
It's a way of not being attached to when, how, and in what form things show up.
As Pema says, this way of being can be "experienced as a huge relief, as freedom. It can be experienced as a mind so unbiased and relaxed that we feel expansive and joyful."
I am here to tell you that Pema knows what she's talking about. I encourage you to give it a try.?Especially if the old ways of "doing" (and being) are not working for you.
President at Frame of Mind Self-Health
3 年Thank you David, et.al for this timely post. I'm guilty of avoidance of emotions, especially fear these days. If I don't catch myself, I can easily fall prey to the illusion of having a problem free day. Noticing that it's possible to observe the moment in the midst of adverse circumstances takes practice. In this way we build our mindful muscle and we become much less interested in controlling or creating right circumstances than we do in right responses to whatever comes our way. I noticed while reading "the impact on yourself and others," a direct correlation between with how it may interfere with being able to truly deeply listen to others. Practicing self-compassion may also help with "tapping into your own reserves." In that way you'll be able to have compassion for others. Swap out control for compassion.
Author
3 年A strong personal spirituality helps a lot, including meditation.
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3 年Interesting but very true perspective, David Langiulli. Uncertainty is like gravity, isn't it? No matter how hard we may try it's always there. Given that, then, the issue/question becomes how do i deal with it? Because, as you say, there is no escape. For me it's my faith life as nothing else I've tried works. At least not for very long.
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3 年Your response to difficult situations can determine the outcome though, can it not David Langiulli? As a serial control freak, I find the "allowing things to unfold" approach very difficult.
Co-founder of Culture Impact, a consultancy specialising in culture consultancy, leadership development and executive coaching
3 年David Langiulli - A few years ago we were fostering our daughters. They were not adopted at this stage but there was no guarentee that they would stay with us. At each court case, there was a chance they would leave us for ever. That period of my live taught me how hard it is to live in the moment - enjoy every second but face the fear and uncertaintly because it isn't going away.