Equinox: My five personal chapters to redemption and peace
Forword
I mindfully chose the art and wrote this due to previous closed-door conversations (I endured a powerful person who labeled and mocked those of color with certain dialects).
I’m sure there are many stories like it, but this one is mine. Perhaps some feel it better shared in a more intimate setting, but with the events of this past year and the increased solitude of the pandemic, I was inspired to write and share (note addendum added to chapter 5).
1. Accountability
“You can never trust those people,” she said as she continued talking about one of my employees.
The words stung as I listened. I kept reminding myself to breathe. I needed to speak up. After all, she was talking about one of my employees. For now, it was time to go home. I felt so heavy.
As I arrived home, I was reminded that it was Halloween. Decorations were abundant. Although I was tired and didn’t really feel like participating in the festivities, I joined my husband in gathering up candy. I sat outside as trick or treaters began arriving. There were princesses and supermen, dragons and turd emojis....all flooding our neighborhood streets and driveways. Their proclamations of “trick or treat!” filled the air. There were children of all different skin colors and dialects. I couldn’t help but smile at their pure excitement and big eyes as I placed candy in their hands. I found myself carefully ensuring each child got the same amount and variety of candy - as long as they said “trick or treat”. (Although, I ended up eating perhaps a few too many pieces myself. I can’t help it, I love chocolate.) It was such a fun evening and it reminded me of how much we all really have in common.
With renewed energy, I returned to work determined to proceed with love and not let even a powerful person’s perspective allow me to lose my way. I knew it would be challenging, but I felt ready.
2. Movement
"The way you walk the path is just as important as where it leads." – T. Levitt
But how do I walk this path? How do I do stand up against such power?
I’m naturally shy, introverted, and a bit quirky.
I studied and studied. According to what I was learning, I would need support.
I would trust those I was responsible for and could only hope for their trust in return.
With time and without prompting, some started to share their recent experiences. Their even tone, thoughtful words, authenticity, and poise were so inspiring. I needed to speak up.
“What do you see?” my father-in-law asked. I snapped back to reality. I was standing in his art studio, admiring one of his pieces.
“Um, I don’t know, really,” I replied.
“What do you think this piece symbolizes?”
“I’m not sure, but it’s beautiful.”
“It symbolizes peace in the midst of chaos.”
How interesting, I thought. No wonder I couldn’t stop staring at it. Somehow, it seemed to give me a sense of quiet courage.
“You can have it,” he said.
“Oh, no! I couldn’t! I’ll pay for it. It’s got to be worth a lot of money.”
“No, you won’t,” he replied with a grin as he packed it up. I still love to look at that painting. It now hangs outside my yoga room. Whenever I look at it, I am reminded of that quiet courage in the midst of chaos.
3. Emergence
I sat in the cold office and stared at its pale walls. You could hear a pin drop. She was looking at me with pen in hand, waiting for me to speak. After all, I had requested to meet with her. I reminded myself to breathe. I thought of the poise I’d witnessed earlier from those who trusted me. I needed to do this. Afterwards, I felt relief, but I knew it wasn’t over.
“That was very fucking inconvenient timing,” she said as she looked at me with stoic eyes.
Although we hadn’t interacted much in the past, I had been called to her office. I couldn’t help but notice the dark mahogany furniture, pictures of a beautiful family, along with the countless awards, degrees, and certifications that lined her walls. The nurse in me felt for her, even though it wasn’t my place. I couldn’t even imagine being in her shoes. After all, racism is a very heavy subject topic and addressing racially biased behavior is much more complicated than simply penalizing those who use the “n” word.
But she was right. It was inconvenient timing. There was so much going on already, and she was just hearing of this. Impermanence is inevitable, but I know it isn’t easy. She had so much responsibility. However, I gathered myself as I remembered that this isn’t about us.
“I am aware that each of us operates by our own internal code of ethics,” I stated.
“As for me, I will be honest and I will be equitable.”
She sat perfectly still, staring at me in silence. We sat motionless across from each other, eyes locked, for what felt like a very long time. Then she stood up. Our time together was over.
4. Hope
“I may need to leave soon,” I said.
“If there is ever anything I can do for you in the future, please let me know.”
They looked at me as if they weren’t sure I was serious.
Although I didn’t want to leave, I knew I would probably have to. But I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving without some form of “good-bye”. After all, they trusted me.
Too soon, it was done. All I knew at that point was that I needed peace. I am blessed to have a husband who understood. So we went to the beach and spent time enjoying its serenity. I sat on our hotel balcony, listening to the ocean waves below and the seagulls overhead. I watched children play in the sand, walked on the beach, and enjoyed amazing seafood. My phone buzzed, but that wasn’t my focus. I needed this. I could finally take deep breaths again. I was finally sleeping well.
Love of people, especially those who trusted me, fills me with peace and moves me forward. I choose to focus on this love and hope for a better future.
5. Redemption
The seasons come and go. We are all subjected to the same sun and moon. The equinox occurs twice every year. It is a time of equality between the day and the night and signifies that seasonal change is coming. It is my favorite time of year, a time of balance.
With the hope of change, I focus on planting seeds and watch them grow. They take time and care, but I will be patient. With time and love, I have faith the harvests will be more and more bountiful.
“Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.” – Arundhati Roy
3/20/2021 Addendum
I believe color-blind racial ideology has set us back on the path towards more inclusion. Although the concept has wholesome origins, it allows for less keen awareness of racism and the pain it brings. The pressure to not see it, not talk about it, and not recognize it as to not offend is a real thing. Yet if we do not recognize and acknowledge how different and beautiful we all are as humans, I believe racism will persist.
In my nursing career, I have had many colleagues, preceptors, charge nurses, and other leaders who have chosen to lead with love and generously offered me their kind, candid, wise feedback. Many of them have much more melanin in their skin than mine.
Today, I want to thank them. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for caring enough to speak up when you saw I needed it. Your kind, yet powerful words have made me a better person. I see you too.
Excerpts from chapters 11 & 12 in the book “The Inner Work of Racial Justice” by Rhonda Magee:
We need to practice telling our own race stories…they show some of what we have learned, witnessed, heard and seen of how race and racism have shaped our communities. But the key is to tell these stories with mindfulness and compassion. We are not telling these stories for the sake of hearing ourselves talk. We’re not seeking to humiliate others, to make ourselves look good, or to appear as a victim. We tell them to practice admitting what is already in the room and to explore taking responsibility for choosing new stories and thereby further the process of setting one another free.
When we resolve to look squarely at race in our lives, we are not trying to make ourselves the center of a new narrative about the real victims of racism. We are simply sourcing our first person knowledge about what race and racism look like in the world today. We are becoming literate with how race operates, starting with where we are right now…
We are born into bodies we did not choose. Bodies that signify group associations defined by the cultures in which we are raised. And we are born into families and communities that are not equally aware of or able to teach us about race and racism. At the same time, since race is constantly being remade and racism is constantly being reimagined and reinscribed, we each bear some responsibility for what we do to disrupt these patterns now…[what we haven’t known] does not absolve us of the responsibility of learning…and working for collective redemption.
Resources that have been helpful for me
2. Rhonda
3. Ni-Cheng
4. Sarah
5. Color-Blind Racial Ideology
https://www.apa.org/pubs/books/The-Myth-of-Racial-Color-Blindness-Intro-Sample.pdf
6. Color Insight
https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2638511
https://www.mindful.org/povmindfulnessforall/
My take-aways from the above podcast:
The concept of “color blindness” or the concept that we don’t even notice color is thought to have come from a wholesome place. However, our brains do recognize color. So the pressure to not see it, not talk about it, and not recognize it as to not offend is a real thing.
So how do we deal with the fact that we do notice these things and yet our culture tells us not to mention it?
What are some of the barriers to improving diversity?
Housing sectors have largely remained separated, as have schooling and religious communities.
We inadvertently invest in boundaries that we also want to move past.
Working past perceptions of people based on these separations will take time and patience. After all, these structures have formed over hundreds of years.
Although this will take patience, we should not become apathetic. There are times and places for both speaking up and for listening. Mindfulness helps with subtle difficulties both in self work and our behavior in community work.
“Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.”
https://www.mindful.org/what-is-mindfulness/
Art Credits
1. https://www.history.co.uk/article/the-life-of-boudicca-the-warrior-queen-of-the-the-iceni
2. https://www.ehecatlart.com/index.html