Episode 11: "I have a little question."

After last month’s “Top 5/Bottom 5” episode, several readers asked me, “How are you doing?” Even without any hard research on which to base it, I would guess this is one of the most frequently asked questions jobseekers receive. People are curious, hopeful, sometimes bashful, and usually discreet. If asking, “Have you found work yet?” seems too forward, “How are you doing?” definitely seems safer. Where I live, it also qualifies as Iowa nice.

When it comes to my own job search, there are two questions I have come to like the least but prepare for the most, and they provide the basis for this month's blog entry. Others in the series are archived on?my LinkedIn Profile page. As always, I welcome your comments to keep the dialogue alive and help shape what I write about next.

“Why are you still here?”

Not everyone will find this question relevant to their situation, but if you have worked in a small place, in a job with high visibility and/or a relatively high profile, you should be ready for it. The first time I heard it, I was in the produce section of a local grocery store. The questioner—who is well-known herself in our community—sidled up her cart right next to my handbasket and said, “Why are you still here? I thought for sure you would have left by now.”

With no time to rehearse a better answer or temper my sarcasm, I replied, “I only just started shopping, but I promise I won’t be here long.” It was not what she expected, nor did it address her real question, but it provided just enough of a pause and a pivot for me to escape and get to the relative safety and clamor of the bakery.

Given more time to prepare and should I need a better answer in the future, here are 3 alternatives I might employ, depending on my interrogator.

• “Well, I suppose God is not yet finished with me.” I like the mildly dark humor juxtaposed against a gentle reminder that neither a job title nor job location defines one’s existence.
• “I am enjoying supporting my wife’s work, walking our four dogs thrice daily, and I find grocery shopping one of life’s simple pleasures.” Not only is this all true, but it also might dispel the common perception (and logical fallacy) that one partner’s job in a dual-income household is more important or consequential than the other’s; should it end, so should the other.
• “Now that is uncanny. I was about to ask the same of you.” This would not be Iowa nice. I have no intention of using it unless the question comes with clear Ferris Bueller overtones.

“How are you doing?”

Come on. You had to see this one coming. After 2+ years of the global pandemic, this former throwaway question for which “I’m fine” was an equally predictable answer now comes loaded with potential bear traps and rabbit holes. How, when, and where it is asked—the situational context—deeply matters and influences how I respond.

• During cocktails and mixed company at a community gathering: “It is a busy time for us. The kids are both doing well at college, and we are considering how we might actually work in a vacation for just the two of us at some point.” It sounds information packed, but it is safely generic.
• Over coffee with a colleague deep in your trust circle: “I am not going to say I am fine, but I am not going to whine either. It has taken me some time, but I have come to realize that all the skills and experience that I am used to applying on the job are quite useful in applying for and coping without one.” This opens a door for additional exploration and reciprocal exchange, while inviting the listener to acknowledge your situation but comfortably take a pass on hearing more.
• With your healthcare professional(s): “You do realize we’re only scheduled for half an hour.” Then, do not leave anything out, especially if your eating, exercise, and/or sleep habits have changed since you left your job.

Long before my lifetime the term unemployment largely became pejorative. If you disagree, you can test it out sometime by introducing someone new to your circle of friends by saying, “This is Mike, and he’s unemployed.” The nonverbals you observe will almost assuredly vary from the ones that emerge when you say, “This is Mike from work.” For me this has provided some important and evolving perspective that I simply did not have from 1984-2022 when I was never without a regular paycheck. Unemployment can be as awkward for the person who wants to be working as it is for the person pushing a grocery cart toward them.

Unemployed should not be confused with unemployable, uninterested, underachieving, or uninspired. In fact, although I got a rock-solid B-minus in my undergraduate economics class, I do recall that so-called “full employment” is when 5% of us are unemployed. That 5% matters. It counts for something.

Maybe that is reason enough for us to still be here and doing just fine.

What are the questions you find it hard to ask or answer, as they relate to your own or other others’ job seeking? I invite you to add them in the Comments so we can continue to keep our empathy tanks full. Between episodes, continue to share your questions and ideas too. For short takes, you can find me on?X (formerly Twitter). As always, my DMs remain open for the open-minded. See you in November.