The Epidemic of Loneliness: Five Causes and Four Solutions

Loneliness is a national epidemic. I see its ravages in my practice.?I hear its desperate cries for help. Yet, of all the problems that confront us, loneliness is often brushed under the carpet. We don’t like to admit it. In a very real sense, many are ashamed to be lonely. This article will identify what loneliness is, what it can do to you, and how to end this painful part of life.?This will not be an easy read.?So, buckle your seatbelt!

What is Loneliness?

Contrary to what the word implies, loneliness is not simply being alone. There are many definitions of loneliness. My definition is the inability to share your humanness with another. To have someone else acknowledge what it is like to be you. To share your life experiences, and ultimately, to feel connected to humanity through human interaction.

Mistakenly, many have come to believe that the antidote to loneliness is to be surrounded by people, to have many friends, or to be in a committed relationship.?I have worked with all of the above who were not only lonely, but tragically lonely.?It has led me to believe this truism:

“If you’re going to be lonely, the best time to be lonely is when you're alone. Being lonely with someone else is more than painful.?It’s a tragedy.”

So, like so many problems in life, the first step in addressing loneliness is to admit, “I’m lonely.” You didn’t invent this. You are part of a national epidemic brought to us, in my judgment, primary by technology, and an obvious assault on the institutions that encourage human interaction: school, church, work, social clubs, communities, and most importantly families.

The destruction of these institutions, especially the family, has led to people looking inward, to thinking about themselves, to becoming connected to a cell phone, instead of people.?To finding “friends,” to keeping “in touch” with family, to interacting with the world via cell phone. Turns out that for many people their primary relationship is with their cell phone.

So, in the final analysis, what causes loneliness. Here are five of the most common causes of loneliness

[1] Physical Connection

When we are physically distant from other people, we become lonely. There are reasons for this.?We may have moved to a new area for a job. In the era of COVID-19, we may be isolated for medical reasons.?Or most often, we may have created a lifestyle that physically disconnects us from others.

For example, today many people work from home.?While that sounds like a great idea, working from home can be a challenge.

[2] Common Interests

It is important to be in relationships with those who share our interests.?Back in the day, when people primarily worked in a workplace, rather than from home, this was easier.?Today, even if one works away from home, personal relationships in the workplace are discouraged, if not prohibited entirely.

Common interests among significant others, including spouses, are often not present.?People marry, or enter committed relationships, because they are “in love,” not because they share a passion for stamp collecting or drying flowers.?

[3] Shared Values

Values are the things that matter the most to us.?Being surrounded by people whose values do not match ours can easily lead to loneliness.?Even worse, being in a committed relationship with someone who does not share your values is both lonely and difficult.?People change, and their values change with them.?The circumstances of life change and people adjust their values accordingly.

[4] Emotional Intimacy

Not feeling connected to others, on an emotional level, is one of the greatest causes of loneliness. Not being able to express your feelings, feeling misunderstood or not appreciated, feeling that it's too dangerous to be vulnerable, are all part of a formula likely to result in a very painful feeling of loneliness.

When these factors are present, it doesn’t matter how many people you are around, or how committed your partner is to your relationship. People in this situation often feel shame because they feel they “should” be closer to another than they are.?This kind of loneliness can lead to depression.

[5] Self-Intimacy

In order to be intimate with someone else, one first has to learn to be intimate with themselves. We all know people who say, “I can’t stand to be alone.”?There is good reason for this.?They are afraid to take the time to understand their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, moods, and desires.

They keep themselves very busy so that they don’t have to be alone with themselves.?They try to “fix” unwanted emotions instead of understanding them.?And they intellectualize their moods and feelings so that they actually don’t have to deal with them. Does this sound like anyone you know?

Four Ways to End Loneliness

[1] Change Your Behavior

Dealing with loneliness is not an intellectual exercise.?It is not a spectator sport.?It’s a tough and tumble behavioral trip.?If you want to combat loneliness you must change your behavior.?No amount of “insight” will do.?It’s not about understanding.?It’s about doing.?So, buckle up!

The starting point is to understand the behaviors that have resulted in loneliness.?Non-stop television watching.?FaceTime until your face falls off.?Cleaning the garage.?Thinking about cleaning the garage.?Got it?

Now let’s make a wish list.?Things that are exciting. Engaging. Taking a vacation to Brazil! Renting a cabin in the woods and spending three days with your spouse with no internet or phone reception. Rescuing a dog.?Better yet, rescuing two dogs!

Now, analysis the difference between your current life and your wish list.?Your wish list challenges you to leave your comfort zone. Your current life is comfortable and, in a word, lonely. Connecting with people, sharing your life, investing in someone else’s life, being intimate, all require courage.?The courage to get out of your comfort zone.?The courage to leave the world of loneliness and enter the world of inspiration!

[2] Examine Your Values

As we have discussed earlier, you need to connect with people who share your values. With people who share your priorities. The things that are important to you. So, what is important to you??What makes life worth living? Where are you headed??How will you get there? In short, what is the meaning of your life?

The great psychiatrist and philosopher, Victor Frankl, created Logotherapy or “Meaning” therapy.?He emphasized that our deepest purpose in life is to find meaning.?Sounds great, but how? Not by deciding what the meaning of your life is, but rather, by listening to what life is telling you.

"Have you ever been so engaged in an activity that you lose track of time??That's the world talking to you.?It’s your job to listen."

Think of your life as a movie.?Suppose a Hollywood producer was able to edit your life down to a feature film, complete with a soundtrack, and award-winning actors.?You are the star! What would the movie be like??Now, since you’re the star, the writer, and the director, how does the rest of the movie go? How does it end? It’s up to you, and if you do this exercise, you will discover your core values.?You will discover what floats your boat. Now go for it!

[3] Become Emotionally Vulnerable

There are many definitions of emotional vulnerability.?My definition is the ability and willingness to drop your emotional defenses, to allow others the ability to hurt you, or help you, to connect with you, or to reject you. Simple, but difficult.

When two male wolves do battle to determine who will be the leader of the pack, the wolf who is losing the battle, who is inches from his death, turns his neck exposing his jugular vein. One bite from his opponent and his life is over. The superior wolf, seeing his opponent’s vulnerability, ends the combat and ascends to the position of leader of the pack.?

It troubles me that some people do not have the emotional sophistication of battling wolves.?On the other hand, I am inspired to see how people are able to grow, to make themselves emotionally vulnerable, and to reap the benefits of connecting with others in a uniquely human way.?Battling wolves may have emotionally sophisticated conventions, but they are not able to express what it’s like to be a wolf, to win in battle, or to lose.

Practice being vulnerable. The rewards are worth the risks.

[4] Deal with Your Mental Health Issues

Sometimes we have issues that make it difficult to have relationships with others. Sometimes we have incorporated behaviors into our life that turn others off.?Sometimes the pain of past experiences keeps us from forming intimate relationships.?In short, we all have mental health issues.?It’s simply part of life.

But not everyone needs to see a therapist.?Everyone, however, needs to be mindful of their mental health. It’s okay to feel sad, or anxious, or to have a “bad feeling” about someone.?It’s not okay to be depressed, to have panic attacks, or to be paranoid.?It’s not about the quality of your feelings, it’s about the quantity. It’s time to reach out for help when your feelings are getting in the way.?When they are overwhelming. When you are increasingly becoming estranged from people, lonely, and alone.

Start by talking to a family member, a friend, or a spiritual leader.?Reach out, and if necessary, engage professional help.

In Summary

We all are lonely some of the time, but when we are lonely most of the time, it’s time for a change.?Living life without intimate connections to others is like living life in black and white. By connecting to others, we can see the brilliant colors of spring, the excitement of fireworks, and the mystery of a rainbow.