Ep 2: The grind of proving yourself + freezing in meetings

Welcome back to It's Not Just You, the place where we do our part to help high achievers escape the hamster wheel of stress, worry, and overwork. My mission? To get you a life and career you love—minus the burnout.

We only do real-talk here. After chatting with over a thousand women—mostly in tech but also in other male-dominated fields—I’ve spotted some common themes. It’s always about perfectionism, burnout, setting boundaries, finding your voice, and juggling guilt while trying to keep it all together.

This week, we're diving into two hot questions that keep popping up:

1. How do I deal with feeling like I'm never enough and always having to prove myself?
2. How can I stop freezing and feeling self-conscious in conversations?

How do I deal with feeling like I'm never enough and always having to prove myself?

Socialization and Nervous System Response. People socialized as women have been conditioned to seek validation—through good deeds or fitting into beauty standards. This breeds self-doubt and imposter syndrome, fueled by societal pressures and internalized patriarchy.

Defining ‘Enough’. Most of us don’t even know what ‘enough’ is—it’s this vague, unattainable thing. This endless striving leads to overwork and burnout. Ask yourself, "Who’s setting this bar?" If it's your boss, maybe you need clearer expectations. If it’s society, it's time to set your own rules.

Tips to Combat feeling like you have to prove yourself

• Walk the Haters to the Back Row: If you feel judged, mentally walk those haters to the back row or out of the room entirely. Their opinions don’t need a front-row seat.
• Ditch the Oulda Triplets: "Shoulda," "coulda," and "woulda" are guilt-inducing shame monsters. Swap judgment for curiosity and self-love. Ask “why am I shaming myself and making it worse?”

Check out the full answer here.

How do I deal with feeling like I'm never enough and always having to prove myself?

Socialization Meets Nervous System. Patriarchy and capitalism profit off our self-doubt, triggering fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses in our nervous systems. Over-criticism (fight response) or second-guessing yourself (freeze response) are stress responses that send blood away from your brain to your limbs—making thinking clearly a challenge.

Behavioral Responses to Self-Doubt

• Perfectionism: You only speak when you have the ‘perfect’ thing to say, often leading to silence.
• Second-guessing and Indecision: These freeze you up, leading to missed opportunities and eroded self-worth.

Tips to combat freezing in conversations

This works in high-stakes talks, like asking for a raise, and in your day-to-day convos where you feel stuck:

1. Define the outcome you want: What does success look like? Making a strong case? Showing up as your best self? Pick what’s within your control.
2. Prepare: Have a clear plan of what you will and won’t do in the meeting, this will reduce anxiety and boost your confidence.
3. Change the narrative: Trade the “what-ifs” soundtrack for "I’m prepared, and this does not define my worth."

Ready to give it a shot? Download the guide here. Check out the full answer here.

Conclusion. There's a lot that goes on in our own heads that gets in the way of being that bad b*tch we are. Give these super easy tips a shot. You'll be surprised how much they can help you lead a more balanced and enjoyable life. Remember, it's all about self-compassion and realistic expectations.

Check out the episode 2 highlights or stream the full episode.

Join us for the next one! On Wed 6/12 @ 10a PT, we'll be covering:

• ????♀? How do I move past perfectionism and fear of being judged so I can get more done faster?
• ?? How can I take care of myself and still be present for everyone else?

Upcoming Masterclass Announcement

Quick heads-up: I’m hosting a masterclass, "How to Find an Off-Ramp on the Road to Burnout," Friday, June 7th at 11 AM Pacific. Trust me, you want in. We’ll cover how to keep both your job and sanity intact.

It’s Not Just You is my bi-weekly series, where I tackle all the real-talk issues women face on the job — think perfectionism, burnout, boundary-setting, and finding your fierce voice!

I spill the tea on my own 25 year journey in tech and drop some nuggets of wisdom on asking for that raise, ditching the guilt after saying no, and redefining your self-worth.

AND when you join live, you’ll also get some structured networking with other women facing the same exact challenges!

This series is all about creating a badass, supportive sisterhood where women connect, share, and lift each other up. Register here.