Envy is the thief of joy - nine tips to curb it

We all suffer from envy, which is a major thief of joy. How often do we have pangs of envy only to find out the source of it is a truly unhappy person, albeit with possessions and opportunities that we crave? The ironic thing about envy is that the rich suffer from envy even though they have more money than they could spend sensibly. For them, every time they see another richer person, they feel inadequate, which is great for super yacht builders.

Let’s make one thing clear. Envy is the desire for what others have, leading to discontent and resentment. There is much to be envious of: money, work status, relationships, fertility, lifestyle, possessions, attractiveness, weight, and social media profile. It’s no wonder envy was one of Pope Gregory’s list of the seven deadly sins.

Jealousy and envy while growing from the same tree are different. Jealousy typically exists within the context of relationships. It is the fear of losing what you already have and want to keep. I wish to focus on envy here as it occurs much more often.

As Rosenberg* points out, the feelings behind envy are being fed from an underlying need that is not being met. Causes of envy include:

1. Dissatisfaction with one’s self. When you become envious, it is often due to a level of dissatisfaction with yourself. Your unmet needs spread a virus of unhappiness.

2. Comparison to others. Many of us were conditioned, at an early age, to evaluate ourselves through comparison to others rather than looking back at our progress. We feel envy when they are promoted quicker, are known better, and have higher qualifications.

3. Unbridled expectations. Seeking money, perennial youth, status, achievements, or talents. Not only will unattainability lead to dissatisfaction with yourself when you achieve such expectations, the pleasure is short lived. I call it the Everest syndrome – where climbers come to the reality of the “So what” when their life is not better because of the achievement.

Nine actions that will curtail envy

1. Catch the envy and look for the underlying unmet need. Have that Aha moment and ask yourself, “What is the underlying unmet need here?”. The answer could be, “Is it that I have never been abroad, “I don’t own my own home,” or “I have never been to Africa,” the reason why I reacted to the Facebook post from a friend. If so, go back to your Ikigai and Treasure Map and tweak your goals, e.g., making sure you have set a time for that next trip abroad. In other words, we can use the envy in a positive way. The more fulfilled you feel in the various aspects of your life—romantic, social, professional, and hobbies—the less envy you will feel towards anyone.

2. Develop a habit of a daily gratitude session. Think about what you do have and be grateful. Start your day with gratitude. It is a wonderful way to nurture your mental well-being, create a positive mindset, and give rise to a more fulfilling daily experience. Alternatively, going through a list of gratitudes before falling asleep sets you up for a good night's sleep. Please try it, as it helps you leave the day behind in a more positive state.

3. Remember, life is a long game. Many of the people I was once envious of have lives that have not met the potential that their promising start signaled. If you work relentlessly on your Ikigai and score in the seven areas of your Treasure Map, you will succeed.

4. Limit your time on the “Envy machine” Find me someone who has two hours a day to look at social media, and you have found someone who does not have their Ikigai and Treasure Map in place.

Before you view others’ posts and before you post about some good career-related news, ask yourself, “Why do I want to do this?” Is it out of vanity? Do you want the likes and the messages of congratulations? Do you want others to know that you are doing well?

5. Remember you are a _______ (insert first name) package. Plan to develop your positive qualities to be a better version of yourself. Invest more time in pursuing the rocks that you have identified in your Treasure Map.

6. Work in a role that maximizes your natural talents. Work in a role that maximizes your natural talents. Undertaking work that plays to your natural talents is a no-brainer. I am not suggesting here to turn your favorite hobby into a career as this can often be a disaster. We all have a cluster of talents, and using the 'Clifton StrengthsFinder' will help you realize what yours are.

7. Schedule tasks each day that make you happy. Happiness is the greatest blocker of envy. Try and think of a time when you were happy while simultaneously also envious. Working on your rocks will also guarantee happiness as you creep towards that goal you have set.

8. Invest time in helping others. Doing volunteer work often is the most rewarding thing you can do. As you give, you will receive.

9. Seek professional help. If you feel envy intensely or frequently you will find help through a counselor specialized in this area.

Companion pieces in other sections

Allocate time to your rock

Have a reason to jump out of bed every morning- Your Ikigai

Have a Treasure Map with your balanced goals for the year

Play to your natural talents – and stop focusing on your weaknesses

Comments

Shifting the focus from yourself to others – takes you out of yourself and stops you from putting yourself at the center of everything.

Didn't know the difference between Envy and Jealousy- now I do!

How often are you comparing yourself to Tiger Woods, Dad? Maybe a bit too often? (ha-ha)

I'm hoping I don't feel the Everest syndrome when I buy my first Porsche Dad.

I easily spend two hours on my social media... whoops!!

* Marshall Rosenberg (1934 –2015), author of ‘Nonviolent Communication’ (known as NVC)