Entrepreneurship, White on White Crime, How to Deal with Problematic People
“Humanity is not without answers or solutions regarding how to liberate itself from scenarios that invariably end with mass exterminations. Tools such as compassion, trust, empathy, love, and ethical discernment are already in our possession. The next sensible step would be to use them.” — Aberjhani
Happy Tuesday; I trust you slept well; we did 9 hours of glorious sleep. It’s 6:00 a.m., I’m up, the coffee is made, my water bottle is full, the dog is fed, and I’m ready to make some morning soup. I hope you are hungry. My Queen is still sleeping. The dog just went back up to lay with her, the fireplace is burning to my right, and it’s pitch black outside. Soon, my friend, the sun will begin her rise and eventually fall, lighting our day.
We had a good day of meetings; we got some more snow, we didn’t leave, just stayed in our warm mountain home getting our work complete, talking to strangers. At about 4:30, my daughter called me, and we chatted for about an hour. She’s getting ready to graduate; she’s got her new job; we talked about things needed to contemplate now that she was an adult.
She shared some stories from work, how she has a broad spectrum of clients needing help, and how she has found her phone to be an ally. Before working with a patient, she finds out about their past, what their vocation was. She then sits down and begins getting to know them, and shares a photo that resonates with their past life. Most people are in their 80’s some nice, some mean, but she has the gift of calm. I expect big things from all our kids, but keep your eye out for Quincy Jo.
She shared a story about a walk she and her husband Alex took the day before. They walked into a neighborhood in Fort Wayne and came upon three kids with what they thought was a lemonade stand. But as they approached the kids, one boy, two girls, and a dog said, “Hi, do you have a dog?” They shared they did not have a dog and inquired about their setup. The boy said, we take photos of people and their dogs, frame them, and then sell them.
As they began looking at the stand, they noticed dog clothes; my daughter asked one of the young ladies, “do you dress the dogs?” The young lady replied, “I’m the designer.” The young boy was the photographer, and the other young lady was the editor of the photo’s making them look just right!
I love that stuff; kids are taking a little initiative to make some money. As she shared their business model, my business coach’s mind went into action. I said, “why didn’t they take your photo? They need to expand their offerings.” I then looked at a photo with their pricing, and I noticed that they were charging odd amounts like $4.30 for a picture of a small dog. I said, “no one will have change; they need to make it a flat fee of $5.00 for a small dog, $7.00 for a medium-sized dog, and $10.00 for a big dog.
They need some professional signage, and they should dress that table up a bit. I’m not critical, but at my age, I tend to look at a business and think, how could the kids improve their offering and service?
After our call, I got a notice there was a shooting in Boulder at a grocery store. We lost ten people, including one police officer. The gunman was arrested, had some minor wounds; look for a significant push for gun control; it’s inevitable. What is it that would cause a person to snap? Knowing Boulder, I would suspect all the victims are white. Will we see the media spin a story about white on white crime?
My friend Barett shared the below the other day. It was in my inbox, and I took it yesterday morning to clean up some old email. I think I got my inbox down to ten items, and this was one that I had missed. Bill Crawford penned the piece, and I believe a good reminder of how to manage people with whom we disagree.
Six steps to dealing with difficult people
To become effective with difficult people, I suggest that we turn to the wisdom of Albert Einstein, who said, “Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them.” This means that to deal with those stubborn, resistant individuals; we must become more aware of three things: the “what,” or the real problem here, the “why,” or science behind interpersonal conflict, and the “how,” or how we, as leaders, can become more influential in these conversations.
The “What”
Rather than seeing the problematic person as making us feel one thing or another, I suggest that we become aware of the cycle created when we become triggered by a difficult person. In other words, when we become angry, frustrated, or annoyed, have you noticed that this often results in the problematic person becoming more difficult? This triggers another round of frustration in us that they interpret as criticism, and a cycle of resistance and resentment is born and exacerbated.
The “Why”
To explain why this is so common, let’s turn to the latest neuroscience, which tells us that our middle brain or limbic system is interpreting the problematic person as dangerous and throwing us into the part of the brain designed to deal with danger (the lower 20% of the brain, or the brainstem). This triggers our stress, frustration, and anger, resulting in our becoming less effective and then becoming even more defensive. Make the best decisions to get through these times of uncertainty.
The ”How”
To break this cycle and create a solution-focused conversation, I have created a process that I call the six blocks or obstacles to effective communication and influence and an antidote to each.
Block #1. Our state of mind
If we are stuck in this lower, reactive brain feeling stressed, angry, or annoyed, we block access to the skills and wisdom needed to deal effectively with difficult people. These more effective qualities of clarity, confidence, creativity, and interpersonal skills reside in the upper 80% of the brain (the neocortex, or what I call the “Top of the Mind”).
The antidote
Be clear about what you want to bring to the conversation. In other words, identify the qualities and characteristics that you know are necessary to resolving conflict (a level head, a curious mindset, etc.) and take 100% responsibility for bringing these to life. If we don’t want to give difficult people the power to “make us” feel or think one thing or another, we must take on that power ourselves and determine who we want to be in the conversation, regardless of what they do or say. Or, to put it another way, you never want to tie your peace of mind to another person’s state of mind.
Block #2. Our trying to stop their harmful behavior
When we try to convince them to stop being so complex, they only hear this as criticism, which explains why they often react by defending the very behavior we want them to change.
The antidote
Be clear about what you want to bring out. Ensure that you have an image of who they are at their best versus only seeing their worst. What do they do well, or what do they love to do? This is who they are when they are in the receptive brain, and this is the part of them that you will want to connect with later in the model.
Block #3. Their belief or concern, i.e., what is important to them
Most difficult people believe that they are right about whatever they think and feel, and their fear is that we won’t listen to them.
The antidote
Listen and learn what is important to them. If you want to be influential with someone, start with what is influencing them. You don’t have to agree with what they are thinking, but until you know how they see the problem, you will not be in a position to do anything about it.
Block #4. Their fear that we don’t get it
The antidote
Empathize so that they no longer need to defend their perspective. This could be as simple as saying, “Okay, I can see how this would be important to you.” Until we do this, they will be focused on convincing us of their right to think and feel what they think and feel. Remember, understanding doesn’t necessarily mean agreement.
Block #5. Our tendency to focus on the problem and the past
They remember the issue one way while you remember it another. Unfortunately, this only produces a debate about “who’s right” and exacerbates the cycle.
The antidote
Ask a future-oriented, solution-focused question that blends what’s important to them with what’s important to you. One way to think about this is, what do you want them to do differently, and how will this fit with what is important to them?
Block # 6. Going to problem-solving too soon
If we go to problem-solving before someone has shifted from the resistant brain to the receptive brain, they will not hear our solution as valuable, even if it is a great solution.
The antidote
Wait until they respond positively to the solution-focused question in the antidote to Block #5 before you go into problem-solving. Easier said than done? Absolutely! However, until we learn the neuroscience of conflict resolution and raise our awareness of the what, the why, and the how with respect to dealing with difficult people, we will remain stuck in the lower brain and the cycle of conflict, making the difficult person the most critical person in our life.
Well, a mixed soup this morning, a little entrepreneurial story that gives me hope for our future. A tale of white on white crime that will unfold in the coming days. A little help navigating the waters of those problematic people that want to argue to prove their point. I hope this resonates with you; I intend to get you to think, maybe take a little action on this day, this beautiful day made by something bigger than ourselves. Be good, be safe; you might want to get a gun before leaving your house.
“Humanity is not without answers or solutions regarding how to liberate itself from scenarios that invariably end with mass exterminations. Tools such as compassion, trust, empathy, love, and ethical discernment are already in our possession. The next sensible step would be to use them.”