If Entertainers Had Pre-Event Client Calls

I get the wonderful chance to speak to corporate groups and associations across industries. And it's always great. To prepare, I often have client telephone calls before a talk, and 99.9% of the time, they're very helpful. I learn about the group I'll be addressing, and what's on their minds. I'll hear about recent events in the company or industry, and with extra research, I can tailor my talk just right to make the maximal positive impact. It's great. But once, I had a really different pre-event client call that inspired me to use my imagination to write this. The events that follow are pretty much all "real" but also changed to protect the guilty.

If Entertainers Received Pre-Event Client Conference Calls... We now have access to a transcript of one such conversation. Background samba music plays. "Beep" An automated voice can be heard: "You are now joined by other participants."

Eugene Jones, EVP:  Mr. Newton, Gene Jones here. Thanks for your patience. We're also joined by Laurie Sinclair, Victor Drebs, Matthew Williams, and Jennifer Drew. Molly Peabody is going to be connecting with us in a minute from Dallas. And Biden Waller may be walking into the room momentarily. I have you on speaker.

Wayne Newton:  Well, good morning to you all.

Voices: Good morning!

Jones:  Let me first say that we at DDQ are big fans and we're very glad you've accepted our invitation to be the kickoff entertainment at our annual sales event coming up next month in Las Vegas.

Newton:  It'll be a blast. I'm happy to be involved.

Jones: We just thought you should know something about the company and what it's going through right now before you pick your song list for the evening.

Newton: Oh, ok. That's fine.

Jones:  We've taken the liberty of sending you, through your manager, our last 5 annual reports, some recent SEC documents, and various articles that have appeared in Forbes, Fortune, Business Week, and Business Investor's Daily over the past year.  Our CFO is also compiling some financial documents for your perusal. And I believe Sally Corner is going to be slipping in our recruiting materials, so you can see how we position ourselves to our new recruits, and in the marketplace generally.

Newton:  (laughs) Good, good - I'll never run out of reading material between shows this month.

Jones: And we're going to be sending you all the powerpoint presentations our executives have given in the past quarter. Plus some general industry analyses that you may find helpful.

Newton:  All righty.

Jones: This is our most important event of the year, involving 3,000 top performers and spouses or guests. Our theme this year is "Thank You, Now ...!"

Newton: Great! Whenever I have the chance to participate in an event like this, I know it's an important one.

Jones: Yes. Thank you. Now, we also want to brief you on all our strategic initiatives, our competitors, and the new audacious goals that our CEO will be rolling out right after your performance. But first, we need to go over a few details.

Newton: Details are good.

Jones: You often do this song - "Danke Schoen."

Newton: Yes, it's my signature song.

Jones: We heard you do it on the tape of your recent show for Merrill Lynch.

Newton: Good. Yes, I always do it. And the Merrill Lynch folks were a very nice audience.

Jones: Well, there is this small request we have.

Newton: I do requests all the time.

Jones: Our CEO is a bit worried about the title.

Newton: What's that?

Jones: Danke Schoen. The title of the song. It sounds a bit too much like the name of our prior CEO, Don K. Shine - who, as you may know, was investigated by the SEC, and was forced out in a huge scandal just six months ago. His large exit package made all the headlines. But he was very popular with the people in the company. He was a big, fun personality, a lot like you. He even looked a bit like you. With you opening for us, well there is an uncanny resemblance. But we love your music. And you are "Mr. Las Vegas." Our new CEO just doesn't want the old CEO's name mentioned or even hinted at in any way at this meeting. We're trying to put the past behind us. So it's quite important that you change the name of this particular song. That won't be a problem, will it?

Newton: But the name expresses what the song is about. And even if we changed the name of the song for your event, the phrase occurs all through the song. It's my trademark. It's what I'm known for. People expect me to sing it, and I love doing it for them.

Jones: Well, I'm sure you can substitute another phrase throughout the song as well.  We all know you're a real professional.

Newton: This is certainly a first. No doubt about that.

Jones: Something like (singing the melody) "Thank you now, Darling thank you now."  You get the idea. And that way, you'd even be reflecting our conference theme. We might also be able to help you tailor a few phrases to slip into the song that would set people up for our new goals in the coming year.

Newton: (stunned silence)

Jones: Things like "collaboration" - that's gotta ryhme with something. And "Good to Great" (goes into the melody of Danke Schoen again) ...  "Good to Great, just don't hesitate." I'm no lyricist, but I'm sure you can do it.  

Newton: But this is ...

Jones:  And our COO asked a question about the length of that particular song - your signature song, as well as some of the others we heard you perform on the tape.

Newton: The length?

Jones: Yes, they can sometimes go on a bit long. Certainly, they're all great songs, and we mean absolutely no offense here, but we were wondering: Since you are only doing one set for us that night, if you were to cut a verse or two out of each of your songs, maybe you could do a greater variety for us.

Newton: Cut a verse or two?

Jones: Yes. And that would give you even more time for that great patter between songs that you do, you know, where you talk to the audience and make them feel so involved and special.

Newton: So they're going to feel more involved and special if I do shorter songs?

Jones: With the extra patter - that's the idea. And in some of that extra patter, you could just casually mention our improving competitive position in the industry. You'll have all the numbers to back that up. And our need for more internal accountability. 

Newton: Well, that's a lot ...

Jones: And something about "BHAGS" - you know, big hairy audacious goals, from the book we love, Good to Great. And it would be so nice if you could use some of the ideas from that really swell little book Who Moved My Cheese. 

Newton: Who what?

Jones:  Oh, I'm so sorry, I just realized our time is up for this call. But I believe that we already have you scheduled for two other calls this week, for a few of us on today's call and all those on the executive team who were at Outward Bound today, and for our New CEO to speak with you in person. He's a big fan. Well, except for the song that sounds like it's about our former CEO ... Ok? But you're changing that, right? We can always schedule additional calls if that will help you feel more comfortable after you've read all the materials we're sending. We just want everyone to be comfortable ahead of time.

Newton: (audible sigh) That's ok. I'm sure this will be enough.

Jones: So, we're off for now.  But before we all hang up, let me leave you with one thought that expresses everything that we in this room feel right now, but will never be able to say again.

Newton: What's that?

Jones: Don K. Shine.