Enough. What is 'enough'?

I was inspired to reflect and then write this by a couple of triggers from a hectic January. The first was a short trip back to Jakarta which I last visited nearly 15 years ago. My memory has faded considerably since then but I remember 3 things from that visit in 2005, the rain, the traffic and the huge extremes in the distribution of wealth. I have to say that whilst there have undoubtedly been many developments in the country since then, these three things were still evident in 2020. It’s true that I have changed as a result of my life’s journey (grown up a bit) since my last visit but I was truly humbled by the standard of living that so many of the 270+ million population accept so graciously. One afternoon we walked around Fatahillah Square, the old Dutch centre of Jakarta, and as we did we were stopped maybe a dozen times by local people wanting to have selfies or practice their English with us – they were seeking to make a connection with us. During our ramble I noticed (and photographed) numerous groups and families sat on dusty tarpaulin sheets on the pavements, eating food from street vendors. In a few cases one of the group had a beaten up musical instrument that was a source of entertainment or income. I’ve since learned that this type of gathering on the pavement, with friends or family over a meal from a street vendor is one of the weekly highlights for many of the happy, smiling local population.

Back in the comfort of my hotel, fighting my jet lag, I reflected on the general demeanor of the people I’d met and how genuinely happy they appeared with their life, in many cases apparently borne out of financial subsistence. I remarked to myself that I didn’t notice any signs of stress, feel any negative emotional energy or receive any sense of fear similar to that which I’ve experienced in our ‘advanced’ western culture; whilst I or my peers chased after a desire to have more, often fueled by a feeling we needed to ‘keep up’ with one another. My conscience prodded me a bit more with some questions around how much as a parent and spouse I was unconsciously encouraging these behaviours back home in blighty. It prompted me to reflect on how my focus on getting more might impact my ability to enjoy the moment, live life now and experience more through my connections? I have to say this didn’t sit well and made the jet lag worse too.

Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not putting down ambition or a desire to better ourselves, goodness no. Without that, many of us (including me) would grind to a halt. I’m thinking here about the darker side of such ambition and the impact it has on us and those around us, especially if we become fixated on getting more and more without pausing to recognise what we have, and in doing so asking ourselves whether it is actually already enough? And indeed if we accepted it was enough, or that we could get enough over a longer period of time how would that change our behaviours and impact the lives of those around us? Food for thought……

The second stimulus for writing this piece came in a conversation with my better half who mentioned she had been looking at TED talks to use to inspire her team at work. It transpired that she had watched one by Dr Brené Brown, yes that one on vulnerability (if you haven’t seen it, it’s worth 25 mins of your time) - (https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare). As we mused on what we had both taken out of the ‘Talk’, I reconnected with what it had offered me and got to thinking back on my 3AM reflections in Jakarta. I became curious about whether the people I’d met were actually succeeding in living the ‘whole-hearted’ lives that Brené defines. Had this population of people (possibly totally unconsciously) learned to be clear on who they were, to accept and embrace their vulnerability (overcoming their shame), and in doing so build and enjoy connections that they knew they were worthy of having? Did they then successfully parent their children from these values and teach them that they are worthy of love and belonging – that they are enough? Was this something that nurtured them to live their lives happily, with less stress and getting as much (if not more) from their connections than their status or possessions?

Who knows? I certainly can’t tell you either way. However these two triggers provided me with many of the things you get from a great coaching session – a different perspective that has made me stop and think, AND commit to action. For this reason I wanted to share this experience and invite you to ponder on some of the questions I have asked myself as a result (and (re)watch the Ted Talk as there is so much more to be curious about regarding vulnerability and shame);

· Do you know who you want to be and what is ‘enough’ for you?

· Does it / do you want it to include living ‘whole-heartedly’ (as Brené Brown describes it)?

· How do you acknowledge your vulnerability in getting ‘enough’?

· What are you losing out on ‘in the here and now’ by chasing your ‘enough’?

· What impact is chasing your ‘enough’ having on those around you?

· What harm are you doing to yourself by striving to attain your ‘enough’ too quickly or chasing the wrong ‘enough’ for you?

I started the new decade joining these two triggers that the universe threw my way, to see things through a new perspective. Doing so presented me with a new set of choices to occupy my insatiable curiosity. If you’ve found the same and want to explore it further please get in touch (www.curiositycoaching.co.uk).