"Not enough"

“We need to top up more formula milk. It’s not enough.” 

Day 8 of my newfound motherhood journey, I’ve sat on my couch for 90 minutes at midnight trying to feed my newborn baby. All I heard was “it’s not enough”. My mind just went ballistic and these words quickly escalated. 

“I’m not enough as a new mother” 

“My milk is never going to be enough” 

“Nothing is enough right now” 

It wasn’t just about what the nanny said. But more about how I reacted to the seemingly harmless line (in hindsight). Then, I realised it wasn’t just about my new journey as a parent. 

2020 has been a tough year for many of us. We have had aspirations to do different and exciting things - like travelling or moving to a new country, a career change or like me, grow my family. What I didn’t realise was - I had to fight to stay safe and be well during my pregnancy with COVID-19 lurking in the first half of the year. More importantly, my husband and I will be bringing up a newborn child with uncertainty. I spent a good few months locking my emotions away so that I can focus on the right things and get my team in good stead before I left for my maternity leave. 

Coming off that first month as a parent was still tough. The month of May was mental health wellness month and I wanted to share how the mind can go wild but weren't ready to pen these thoughts then. My experience can’t be compared to many others’ experiences in this climate - we have friends and colleagues have lost their jobs or losing jobs. We have teammates who might be struggling to break through their current roles. We have people in our lives who might have lost their dignity already as they have been left behind by society. 

The thought “I’m not enough” might be ringing in their heads and that’s probably an understatement. I don’t have the perfect advice but these serve as encouragement and reminders for all who might need them. 

• Take time and be kind to yourself 

It was day 8 and I really didn’t know better. I had all the books in the world to read and Google at my finger tips but they do not prepare anyone for their own unique journey. Little did I know, I went through a mild post-natal depression, just because I was “not enough”. When our first pregnancy ended with a miscarriage last year, the grief was almost numbing and some well-meaning friends have told me “it’s very common” reducing my experience to a mere statistic. I didn’t take it the right way. To me, every pregnancy is a life. 

The best encouragement I received was “Take time” - from my then-manager, Roger Pua. These words are so powerful as it reminded me that there was no rush to overcome the grief and recover quickly. This time, I know I had to take my time and be kind to myself. I’m glad I did that for myself again. 

• Maybe the truth beholds and it is not enough

Accepting the truth is harsh. With the whole nursing culture favouring breastfeeding as the holy way, there is overwhelming pressure to deliver. Sometimes, there is just not enough. During those dark days, I was reminded of a phone call with Feon Ang, one of our most inspiring leaders at LinkedIn and mother of three. As Singapore’s circuit breakers dawned on us in March, Feon called during my final pre-natal weeks and we chatted about my soon to be motherhood. “One thing you need to remember, breastfeeding is hard and you must never give up!” I could still hear her voice ringing in my head - “Never give up”. Yes, it was not enough but never give up. 

We are not perfect and most of us never get it right at our first try - be it a new project, a role or a new job. So it will never be enough. Trust yourselves to know that if we never give up but persevere through, the rewards are for us to savour at the end of the day. It will be hard and it can only get better each day. Now, I have a happy little girl who is getting chubbier by the day and laughs with me after each feed. It has turned out to be enough after many painful episodes (too much details to share here). 

• Find and indulge in your community 

Correction - my community found me and indulged me. I say this with so much love and privilege. Very grateful that so many of my friends have gone ahead of me and can share their experiences with me. 

Many have openly shared how tough things were when they first became mothers - both mentally and emotionally. Let’s not forget the lesser discussed journey to pregnancy. One thing that was common across their sharing was - “it was hard back then and I find it so much easier when others encouraged me so I’m reaching out to see how you are doing.” Enough said, I’m better off when I have my community. 

My husband and I have asked for help and advice regularly - our own parents, friends, colleagues and the broader parents community. Being vulnerable and sometimes shameless in asking for help is not a bad thing - it’s probably the wiser choice in the long run for the family. 

As I take a mid-point check with this maternity “break”, it has been a rewarding journey - one that I’ve learnt so much about myself and my little one. These personal anecdotes will hopefully help anyone who might be going through a similar journey as a new parent or perhaps someone who might be going through a career transition. 

Thank you for reading. In these trying times, I chanced upon these water lilies at Singapore’s ArtScience Museum, they serve to remind us of all things good - purity, fertility, celebration, hope, rebirth and peace in many religions and cultures. As I prepare to go back to work in October, I would also love to learn how you amazing parents cope with a baby while working from home. Please share with me too.