Enhance Love Without The Fighting

These weekly newsletters will have therapy deep dives, effective coping skills, mental health tips, psychology info, LinkedIn tricks, and business bits. For some reason, each of these areas appears to connect in my mind and I'd like to share them with you. Cheers to actionable insights!

This week's focus is therapy deep dive that shows you how couples can communicate optimally using a simple method.

This is especially useful for those who are tired of fighting and want to enhance their love.

Let's get started.

The Problem

You've seen it before. You say one thing to someone and they interpret it incorrectly. Or, you're told something and you interpret it incorrectly.

Now you're both annoyed because no one is being heard or understood.

The result:

Ding, ding, ding, round 1. Fight!

If you've already read this newsletter, you may have seen The 6th Love Language where I discuss how interpretation is important in couples. If not, check it out if you'd like.

Today, I'll show you how you can communicate needs and understand others' needs at a much faster rate.

It's time for you to fight less and love more.

All in less than 60 seconds.

The Solution

Adam and Eve come to therapy and sit down with me to work through a disagreement.

Here's the transcript with the solution:

Therapist: Eve, I'd like for you to tell Adam your thoughts on the issue.

Eve: Adam, it hurts me when you call me a liar without checking in with me first.

Adam: but you are a liar! I'm telling you... (therapist interrupts)

(Hint: you too can practice these strategic interruptions with each other so that fighting happens less)

Therapist: Adam, before finishing your response, tell Eve what you first heard her say.

Adam: but she's a liar, that's it! I told you.

Therapist: let's table that thought for a moment if you could. Tell Eve what you first heard her say.

Adam: I honestly forgot what she said.

(Hint: this is normal as many listeners in conflict have high emotions and are preparing what to say next in order to be heard themselves)

Therapist: Eve, could you repeat what you first said? And when she's done Adam, try and repeat what she said as best as you can.

Eve restated how she felt.

Adam: okay, I heard you say that you get hurt by me when I accuse you of being a liar. That you don't like that I do that.

Therapist: Eve?

Eve: that's exactly how I feel. **sighs of relief**

(Adam notices this and appears relieved too)

Therapist: all right Adam, it's your turn to share how you feel so we can give you a chance to be heard and understood better.

__________

This process will feel inauthentic because you're already used to communicating in your own way.

I get that.

However, you also notice that communicating in these ways can lead to circular fights.

I get that too. Here's the good news.

Good things can happen when you and your partner stick with the 4-Step Solution:

(1) pause, (2) listen, (3) repeat, and (4) check-in with what each of you is trying to say.

Because getting what they said right feels great to them.

And it will feel great to you when they give you the same amount of uninterrupted time to be heard and understood.

Doing this also gives you and your partner a sense of achievement, and a new tool to practice in all sorts of conversations. Not just fighting.

Here are some other benefits:

1. Slows down heightened emotions
2. Gives you both a chance to be heard
3. Increases your ability to actively listen
4. Helps you share your wants and needs
5. Gives the other the benefit of the doubt
6. Provides structure to cultivate a dialogue

I'm certain there are other benefits I am missing, but I think you get the point.

This process has a way to enhance communication with any couple.

Consider it a timeless tool to use anytime you want.

For free.

__________

There you have it,?another tool to communicate effectively with your partner.

May this process serve you and your relationship well.

Take care.

Recap:

1. Say what you think and feel together
2. Check in to see if what you heard is correct
3. Continue to learn about each other as you practice
4. Remember to pause, listen, repeat, and check-in often

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