Engineering Luck (My Story)

I grew up in a small town in North East Texas, where involvement in chicken farming and distribution was and still is a common way to make a living. There is not a lot of money in that business unless you are the head honcho on top, like Bo Pilgrim (founder of Pilgrim's Pride Chicken). You can see his estate in the header photo. This article isn't about Bo Pilgrim, or his company though. It's about me and the string of events that lead me to where I am today was not by some blind luck; it was engineered in a way. This is the first time I have ever told my story publicly, because much of the below is deeply personal. However, my hope is that understanding my journey may in some small way help you with your own. (Side note: the photo here is a massive bust of Bo Pilgrim he had erected in his own honor before the company went bankrupt and taken over by JBS in 2009.)

For many people, "engineering luck" is a foreign concept. You see, there are two different types of luck. The primary type that most people think of is the kind of luck you have at a casino, walking right up a random slot machine and giving it a go. The other type is a little more complicated. It can be found at the intersection of ambition, preparation, timing, and opportunity.

To quickly illustrate this, let's say your ambition at a young age is to write a fictional novel that millions of people will enjoy reading. To prepare for that, you start jotting down ideas of different fictional concepts. You join writing clubs and take classes on the subject and start searching for a mentor to help prepare yourself for this as a career. You ask your college professor if she knows anyone that would be willing to mentor you. You have asked several people prior to this, but you keep trying. It just so happens that she knows a major award-winning writer that is preparing for retirement and wants to mentor. The timing is perfect. But is there an opportunity? Your professor sends the writer your latest work and inquires if he would be willing to mentor you. The writer reaches out to you directly and so begins the mentorship that will take you to the next level of writing.

Did that just happen? No, it did not just happen. You did a lot of hard work to get to the point where you were "lucky" enough to be selected for mentorship by an acclaimed author. This has been my entire life in a nutshell. I did a lot of hard work to get to the point where I can just wait for the timing to be right and seize the opportunity when it presents itself. While I grew up very poor, my parents always seemed to figure out how to provide whatever I needed, with some key exceptions. I had major learning disabilities that haunt me until today, yet, I figured out how to make the best of what I was given in life.

High School and Love

Graduation day May 30, 2001. I was 243 of 250 students in my high school graduating class. High school was tough for me. I did not click with any particular group. My close friends were limited and I typically stayed to myself. There were major issues going on in my own head I knew I would need to work through to really make anything of myself going forward. You see, I am gay and have somewhat known this since my early teen years. As a young teenager, I had it in my head that this fact was more of a choice than anything else. The bible-belt is strong in this regard. I would need to find a lady, settle down, and get a career going.

Going back to those two separate types of luck, I had engineered my own luck with one particular lady I had dated throughout high school. Sara was one of my two primary friends. After trying out the big city of Dallas, Texas at 18, I came back home and attended her graduation. We got back together and became much more serious. I found myself actually in love. I had it in my mind that I would have to figure out how to love a woman. But, this was real. Still, to this very day, I love and trust her more than anyone else on earth. We ended up pregnant with our first child, Elijah, who is now 17 years old. I had a small business at the time in technology and graphics in a very small area of Texas. No real plan for life existed and times got very tough. So tough in fact, we made our way to the food stamp office just to be able to put food on the table.

This was to me, a very low point. I did not want to be there and I did not want to take food stamps from the government. But, I did pay my taxes and it was a legitimate program in which I legitimately qualified to participate. We did this for the minimum three month period and I got my crap together. I decided to close my failing business and join the U.S. Air Force to make something of my life while also ensuring a good future for my family.

U.S. Air Force

Sara has literally always supported any endeavor I have had in life and I am admittedly skipping over some of the more ridiculous things I have done, which she had to endure through. But, this one was the big kahuna. It was a challenge just to qualify to get in to the Air Force. I was 22, married with one child, bad credit, and slightly over their maximum weight tolerance. Not to mention, I needed to brush up on a few things just to make sure I was able to get a decent ASVAB (U.S. military entrance exam) score. This is used to determine opportunities for various jobs fields in service. The photo here was directly after Air Force Basic Training at Lackland AFB, Texas in 2006, where I was... hmmm, well within weight tolerance.

My gut feeling was joining the military would be the best move for me and my family. Thus, I got in shape (just enough), studied hard for the ASVAB, worked with my creditors, and stopped trying to have another child (which would have disqualified me). After a few months of preparation, everything aligned and the recruiter scheduled me for MEPS (U.S. military in-processing) in Shreveport, LA. It was the same day I found out we were already pregnant with our second child, Mark. While this would have disqualified me, I was already too far into the process and was able to get a waiver for the second child clause.

Was I worried that being a closed gay would become an issue, joining a military which kicks you out if it becomes known? Ahh yes, very worried. But, I took the chance anyway. That choice was the beginning of a string of good choices leading me here where I am today. Not to say I did not make mistakes along the way, no I made plenty. But, joining the military provided me opportunity after opportunity.

Joining as a Cable and Antenna Maintenance Technician (3D1X7) was not exactly my favorite part of military life. However, it did make me tougher as a person and provided the opportunity to spend my first four years in Okinawa, Japan. We had our third and final child, Lily, there and spent some very happy days on the beaches of the small island to Japan's south

My choice after those four years was to return to Texas to be closer to family. The Air Force honored that choice and sent me to Lackland Air Force Base, San Antonio, Texas, where I worked for a special unit augmented to the NSA (National Security Agency). This was my first experience within the cybersecurity world, and I liked it. So much so, I requested retraining to the Air Force's new Cyberspace Defense Operation (1B4X1) career field. I just barely qualified for it because I was technically already in a communication career field. I had just finished my first Master's program, so had a total of three degrees at this point. However, at the end of the day it was simply timing that allowed for the opportunity.

They sent me to Keesler AFB, Biloxi, MS for initial cyber warfare training. Which was actually one of the darkest parts of my life.

The Dark Point

I skipped a lot of random stuff about my early years, but this one you need to know. My two grandmothers were a major part of my life growing up. I would spend weekends with the one on my dad's side (Shirley) and actually lived multiple times with the one on my mother's side (Glenda). In 2006, while attending my initial career field training at Keesler AFB, Shirley (photo to the right) was violently murdered by my biological father. I was never close to my biological father and consider my step-father my Dad.

I shoved this down deep and tried not to deal with the impact of her loss and the circumstances surrounding it until I went back to Keesler the second time for cyber warfare training at age 28. My irrational fear was that people would somehow link me to his bad choices. The hard truth of the matter is he had a lot of psychological and drug dependency problems that I simply do not possess. Even at my lowest point (below) I could figure out how to preserve life and press on.

The cyber warfare curriculum was the toughest I have ever experienced and failure wasn't an option. If you fail a domain in the military programs they may provide you another chance to pass, but that is it for the entire program. I had failed one of the domains mid-way through and nearly lost my mind. It was partly the stress of the program, but also the stress of trying to be everything everyone wanted me to be... Christian, straight, intelligent, etc. Suicide seemed like a logical choice during that period. There was a lot going on with regard to my sexuality that deserves its own writing. I had known I am gay for over a decade and purposely placed myself in situations where I could not and would not act upon it. Yet, in 2011, I had to make a choice. I would either check out of the world or decide to make some major changes so living in it was bearable.

After talking to a family member and for the first time admitting my plight, she connected me with a mentor named Joe. Joe was in a similar situation, but on the other side. He brought to light that there is another side to life and things can be okay on that side. I would need to start removing myself from the world I was so engrained in. It so happens, Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy was revoked by President Barack Obama in September of that very year. Timing, yet again, allowed the opportunity for me to become a better person, one that choses to be my true self to the world everyday.

I spent the next few years coming out to select people, including my wife and kids, brother, mother, and father (step-father that raised me) and a few friends. Being I had formal education, I was placed in several executive staff support roles for our unit's commander. This allowed me the opportunity to get to know our reservist units. These people had good jobs on the outside and when my time came to exit the military after 10 years of service, it would be perfect timing in 2015 as my reserve contacts I made were looking for cyber consultants at Ernst and Young (EY).

Exiting Military Life

My EY contacts had planned on bringing me on as a Senior Consultant, but I was not happy with that level when so much work had went in to building my resume and gaining the proper connections for a managerial level position. I had exited the military with four degrees and four major industry certifications. So, I very politely asked if there was an opportunity for a Manager position there. To which the reply was "possibly." Appears they had not quite posted their Manager position at that point, but felt I would be a good fit for it and placed me in the position. If I had not asked that one question in the interview, I may be in a different position right now. Again I go back to "ambition, preparation, timing, and opportunity." All keys here.

Somewhere mid-career in the Air Force, I began to make "life plans" or goal oriented life planning. This act has served me tremendously over the years. I created three timelines and got down what I want to do for school, work, and life on the respective line. Once I get a good idea of what I want to do, I would research things like, the school I would want to go to and the particular program attached to it. Then add it to a "future resume" and look at that resume a few times a week. It would keep my eyes on the goal, getting to see the credential in writing on my resume. This was just for me and never went to anyone else, but served me really well when I had conversations with my EY boss on the future.

He would ask what I really want to do long-term, I would reply with "I want to sit on the Board of Directors for a few medium private or public companies." We jotted down some of the things I need to do to make that happen and I'm still on that very path today. We also talked about going into a program I was considering at the time, a brand new program called the Executive Master of Cybersecurity at Brown University.

Barely passing high school, I would have never dreamed to attend an Ivy League university. But, with the help of EY, I applied and was accepted to the $100k, 16-month program, which the G.I. Bill and scholarships covered almost completely. The Brown program was also not dumb luck. A lot of preparation and dependance on other people to vouch for me went into getting accepted to that program.

Remember, we can never take sole credit for any achievement. Because, each and every thing we achieve is the result of both our own hard work and the countless others involved in our development throughout life.

It was around this point-in-time I ran into a Ted Talk from Dr. Brené Brown on shame and vulnerability. This was a game changer for me. You mean it's okay to be vulnerable?

It IS Okay to be Vulnerable

Dr. Brown's Netflix Special called "The Call to Courage" is even better at helping to understanding vulnerability and leading people. Keep in mind, only a few select people in my life even knew I am gay at this point-in-time. Sara (my wife then) had also come out to me as gay and wanted to continue to parent our children together. This was such a blessing because my largest fear was losing her and my kids to something that was in reality, out of my control.

It was my own call to courage that led me to consider leaving EY with nearly three years at the company. After doing some research, I had narrowed my choices to a few companies and applied to each. Not believing I would qualify for any of them as each position was just above the level I believed myself to be at the time, I really felt I had nothing to lose from giving it a try. EY was a great employer and I was technically happy with my job there, but I desperately wanted to be myself, which for whatever reason I didn't feel comfortable being there.

My idea of the world at this time was still so skewed from reality. Not many people truly care if I am gay in 2018. That may have been a fact at one point, but it is certainly not now. I noticed JPMorgan has a great LGBT program called PRIDE: "Just Be You." JPMorgan was my top choice in new employer and I already had a military connection with the hiring manager, which I had made on LinkedIn years prior (**preparation**).

As I mentioned, the experience requirements for a Vice President (VP) position at JPMorgan were slightly more than I had at the time, but I had spent countless hours preparing for the interviews and felt I had knocked it out of the park. I got the call directly from the hiring manager, the position went to someone else with more years of experience. It was close, but he was more qualified.

I wanted that position so badly, it felt like I had failed in some way when I didn't get it. Nearly a week passed and I shot the hiring manager a message back with a general thank you for his time and that I was still heavily interested in a cyber-related position at JPMorgan specifically. He called me within an hour and thanked me for the email. The person they had selected with more experience also wanted more money, so much so it was outside their salary range for VPs. He asked for my salary range and I was ready with a number I was sure would be in range from doing my own research on VP pay and cyber premiums on that pay. My research paid off with a significant pay bump from my EY job that was not over the pay range for the VP position at JPMorgan. I joined JPMorgan totally out as a gay man and have never been more happy.

There were similar conversations with my boss at JPMorgan on my plans. I knew I would need to start to develop my executive-level leadership skills, so I started looking for a program with my remaining G.I. Bill that would help me with that endeavor. Harvard's Program for Leadership Development fit the mold perfectly and has, to date, been the best educational experience of my life. Through case studies, I learned what good and bad leadership looks like, how to integrate the good, and have others want to follow you into the storm.

To be real, I had no plans on leaving JPMorgan as the company is so good to their employees and the promotion potential is amazing. However, after about a year into my "Second Line of Defense" Cyber Risk position, a USAA recruiter called me. USAA has always been a "holy grail" employer for for many exiting military and veterans, but the timing never seemed to align to a proper opportunity with the company. Thus, I was interested to know more. The company was getting larger and needed to start following the regulatory playbook of larger banks like JPMorgan. Because I had the specific experience with several large banks, military background in cyber warfare, five degrees, and five industrial certifications, I met the mark.

But just like at EY, they were initially looking for a non-managerial position and I wanted to be at the Director-level. I made the case to the hiring manger and was then slotted for a Director role, as I was fully qualified to fill it. I'm very happy to have been so fortunate to have worked for companies like EY, JPMorgan, and of course my current company. USAA has a mission that is real to employees and makes an impact on the my entire country, because we serve our military's financial needs.

A glance at my resume, someone may pass me off as privileged in multiple ways. Maybe he came from some wealthy family, or he is naturally brilliant, or maybe he is a normal white straight dude with no problems. You would be wrong on all accounts. Was naturally born with white privilege, that part is undeniable and certainly real. But, I have had to work hard for every single accomplishment that got me where I am today; none of which was due to blind dumb luck.

And that is the very point of this entire writing. I provided examples over and over again of how my ambition, preparation, timing, and opportunities have lead me from literally nothing to a happy, comfortable, and fulfilled life. Don't take this as I was never told no. HA! -- If you are as ambitious as I, get used to hearing "no."

Chapter 2: Happiness in Who I Am

You may be curious of what happened to Sara and my kids. She helped me to find the man in my life, Asahel in 2016. We dated and after six or so months of everyone getting to know him, he moved in to our home in a spare bedroom (was the office). We married in 2018 and moved to Frisco, Texas (Dallas area) for the JPMorgan position with my middle son.

The USAA position provided the opportunity to come back to San Antonio where all six of us can be together again. He works for Bank of America as a Relationship Banker and plans to join a Harvard degree program in the fall to transition into bank management. I'm very proud of my family. They keep me grounded.

While having a large estate like Bo Pilgrim's was my teenage dream of happiness, it is certainly not anymore. Real happiness is deeper than material things. It comes with being accepted for who you are, having good people surround you, and most importantly... having family you love, support, and trust. I'll write again at some point to fill in the gaps, but for now, please feel free to write me if this was helpful at all to your own life.

Note: If you are contemplating suicide, please find someone to talk with that can at least give you another prospective on life. The National Suicide Hotline is 1-800-273-8255 for non-military and please consider Military OneSource if you are military affiliated at 1-800-273-8255. Military OneSource is confidential and does NOT report to your chain of command. If you feel like someone you know is contemplating suicide, help them through this point. They won't forget what you did for them.