Engaging for a better masculinity

I wrote a response to a comment on a post and got little carried away, by 2271 characters according to LinkedIn. So I thought I’d post my response/feedback to @Martin Pelders here in its entirety.

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Thanks for the feedback and engagement Martin Pelders. I have seen you speak a couple of times and always found your story to be moving and engaging.

Apologies for the lengthy response and, I am passionate about this stuff.

In all the work that we do, whether its programs, workshops, Connection Sessions or executive engagements we’re at pains to ensure that people understand that there are both female and male victims of sexual assault, rape, harassment, bullying and, GBV.

We also talk a lot about not only supporting the victims of GBV but about how important it is for us to be able to get to would-be perpetrators before they cross the line, that’s part of our Cultivating Connection philosophy.

As far as numbers, as you well know, it is always a challenge to find accurate research / data with the vast majority of cases going unreported. For men the number of unreported vs. reported is considered 10 times higher than for women.

Having said that the research that I have viewed from among others, WHO, Women’s Aid, SAMRC shows that women are the majority of victims of GBV and we’re not talking a majority of a percentage point or two. In some research women make up 80 to 85% of victims. That leaves a not insignificant number of men who are subjected to GBV though. So, we would never do men the disservice of marginalising the impact upon them.

In addition, domestic violence is inflicted on women by men in far greater numbers than by men on women and the nature of that domestic violence is intrinsically different with women suffering repeated victimisation and being more likely to be seriously hurt and killed.

This is the cornerstone of the “assault” aspect of GBV which draws most people’s attention.

Therefore, I am curious to know how men are not at the centre of GBV?

Women are assaulted by, in the vast majority of cases, men. If that is true, how are men not at the centre of GBV?

Men are raped, in the majority of cases, by men. If that is true, how are men not at the centre of GBV?

In addition to that, men still largely pull the levers of society in all the places that matter. If that is the case, they are certainly at the very least complicit in not doing more / enough to rid us of GBV?

Let me stress again, we do not assume that men are not victims. We assume that men are victims and until we have research / data that can help us to draw a clearer pictures for ourselves and others, we need to go on what we have.

We also need to move away from the #NotMen story. Rape is committed predominantly by men. Not all men. But by men. So why are we being protective of men? If a man is a rapist that does not make me a bad man or all of us bad men. It makes him a bad man. Singular.

To cap it off, my talk is not about men, or #MenAreTrash and I’d be surprised if you hear me use the phrase toxic masculinity more than once.

I am fascinated by the social construct of masculinity and my belief that the current iteration (because there are and have been many) is essentially giving us an error message.

I find it difficult to believe that if we continue to use traits like strength, independence, leadership, assertiveness, dominance, sexual virility and lack of emotional response or connectedness to define masculinity we will ever end GBV. Too many of those traits have a negative converse that is hugely damaging to the man and those around him.

So, I am looking for a new way to show up, possibly a new understanding of masculinity, that is not subtractive, but additive to the world.