Enforce Your Personal Boundaries...

 
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In This Issue:
     Quotes of the Week
     Enforce your Personal Boundaries
     Bookmark - The 80/20 Manager
     Inspirational Words
     Spiritual Centre
     Story Time
     Time to Smile
     Feedback
 
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"Change Gears" eZine is a no-cost electronic newsletter dedicated to helping people be more effective and fulfilled--to be masters of change instead of victims of change. What follows are tips, strategies, quotes, resources and shortcuts to getting more done in less time and having fun in the process--to living a more productive and fulfilling life. We're always on the lookout for information to help you live and work more effectively.
 
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Quotes of the Week

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"Every student needs someone who says, simply, 'You mean something. You count.' " - Tony Kushner

"Language is the apparel in which your thoughts parade in public. Never clothe them in vulgar and shoddy attire." - George W. Crane

"In a time of deceit telling the truth is a revolutionary act." - George Orwell

"Life is an adventure in forgiveness." - Norman Cousins

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Enforce your Personal Boundaries
By Julie Fuimano

Has anyone ever spoken to you in an inappropriate manner? Often people are caught off guard and are not prepared to handle these challenging situations. But, as a leader, whenever you are in a situation that's uncomfortable, it's imperative that you speak up; the person needs to know that the behavior is inappropriate and that you will not tolerate it. Being a leader means that you expect the best of those around you and you hold them to the higher standard.

When you say nothing, the impact is great - to both you and to everyone else in your company. Saying nothing sends the message that the behavior is acceptable and the person is more likely to repeat it. Others may interpret this to mean that it's okay to act in that way. Saying nothing can also leave you feeling victimized.

Learning to assert yourself in a way that gets your point across with grace and style is part of becoming a strong leader; it takes some tools, a little practice and a lot of courage. Becoming assertive will build your leadership muscles and foster self-respect as well as decrease your level of stress.

What Are Personal Boundaries?

Personal boundaries are the limits you set for how others may act or speak in your presence. They are lines you draw that define yourself. They are not walls to shut people out, but rather limits that keep the unwanted behaviors of others from entering your space. Boundaries are essential for personal health. They act as filters, permitting what's acceptable into your life and keeping other elements out. Your boundaries are about what others may do to you or in your presence.

Whatever offenders do, you must remember that it's not personal; it's not about you even though it feels personal. Another person's behavior is always about him or her and what thoughts s/he harbors in his mind. For example, if someone raises her voice, swears or speaks down to you, she may want power; she may need to be heard; she may want attention; whatever the reason, it's about her.

Identify Your Boundaries

First you'll need to identify your boundaries. Ask yourself how you want to be spoken to and how you want to be treated. What behaviors are acceptable? What behaviors are marginally acceptable?

Consider how parents do this with their children in order to socialize them and to help them grow. Yet, rarely do people leave childhood feeling they know exactly how to get their needs met and how to stop people from hurting them. Our parents do the best they can; as adults, we must pick up where they left off. We are responsible for how we experience life and for how we allow others to treat us.

Take notice of your feelings. Your feelings are your inner messengers, your inner guidance system. When a boundary is crossed, there is a definite physiological response. If someone's comments or actions make you uncomfortable, notice how you react. Notice what part of your body reacts and acknowledge the feeling. Note what the person is doing or saying that is giving you this reaction and empower yourself by responding appropriately.

Express Your Boundaries

Once you are clear about your boundaries, you must educate people as to how to act in your presence. If you never tell anyone how to treat you, they will treat you in whatever way they choose. When you say nothing, you give your power away. It's one thing to confide in a co-worker, "I don't like the way he spoke to me," and quite another to tell the person directly, "Please don't speak to me in that tone." When you assert your boundaries, you are telling others how you expect to be treated and you are respecting yourself.

You may become angry, frustrated or sad when a boundary is crossed. Don't suppress your feelings; when you suppress your emotions, you only hurt yourself by increasing your stress and expending energy on keeping the feelings pent-up, which eventually can cause physical harm to your body. You also don't want to react inappropriately to your emotions either.

As a leader, you need to learn to identify the source of the emotion, which is the other person's actions and your permitting it in your space, and learn how to respond appropriately to get the results you want.

Enforce Your Boundaries

There are several ways to assert yourself and enforce your boundaries. Here are some tools for you to use:

· Inform by pointing out the behavior you find unacceptable. "Did you realize you were speaking very loudly?"

· Make a request. "Please do not raise your voice to me."

· Give instructions. "I need for you to lower your voice."

· Warn the person. "You may not speak to me in that tone."

· Make a demand. "Stop it! I demand you stop yelling at me right now!"

· Leave. "What you are doing is unacceptable to me. I am willing to work it out with you when you are able to be reasonable. I must leave now to protect myself."
Being a leader means demanding excellence of others -- asking for and expecting others to do and to be their best. When they miss the mark, you need to bring it to their attention. When you assert yourself and point out inappropriate behavior, you demonstrate leadership, exhibit self-respect and become a role model for others.

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Bookmark - The 80/20 Manager: Ten ways to become a great leader
Author: Richard Koch
Price: Rs.255/-

A large number of managers - especially in these difficult times - feel completely overwhelmed. Their inboxes are overflowing, they constantly struggle to finish their to-do lists and they stay at work longer than they would like to, leaving little time for the things that really matter.

Luckily there is a way for managers to enjoy work and build a successful and fulfilling career without stress or long hours.

In his bestselling book The 80/20 Principle, Richard Koch showed readers how to put the 80/20 Principle - the idea that 80 per cent of results come from just 20 per cent of effort - into practice in their personal lives. Now he demonstrates the few things you need to do in the workplace to multiply the results you achieve.

By applying the strategies outlined in The 80/20 Manager, you will:
- Put in fewer hours than your colleagues yet never be short of time
- Learn to focus only on the issues that really matter, and ignore those that don't
- Achieve exceptional results by working less hard
- Feel successful every day

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Inspirational Words

"If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live." - Lin Yutang

"The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. Accept life, and you must accept regret." - Henri Amiel

"When you are younger you get blamed for crimes you never committed and when you're older you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed. It evens itself out." - George Santayana

"One right and honest definition of business is mutual helpfulness." - William Feather

"Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light." - Steve Kloves

"A teacher who is attempting to teach, without inspiring the pupil with a desire to learn, is hammering on a cold iron." - Horace Mann

"Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage." - Anais Nin

"I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious." - Albert Einstein

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Spiritual Centre - Passage

There is an old saying that anything in this world can be recreated, but not time. You can lose health, you can recreate it; you can lose money, you can make it again. But time passed is time lost. Once we understand this, that inevitably, inexorably, time is limited to twenty-four hours a day, the second step comes, when we will understand how to use that time. Then we will have what we call time consciousness consciousness – the ability to guide our life by the concept that time is limited, and therefore the most important thing must be done first, the second important thing second, the not important thing not at all.

(C) Shri. Kamlesh D. Patel - President, Shri Ram Chandra Mission - https://www.sahajmarg.org

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Story Time - The Dog King Silver

Once upon time, the King of Benares went to his pleasure garden in his fancy decorated chariot. He loved this chariot, mostly because of the rich hand-worked leather belts and straps.

On this occasion, he stayed in his pleasure garden all day long and into the evening. It was late when he finally got back to the palace. So the chariot was left outside in the compound all night, instead of being locked up properly.

During the night it rained heavily, and the leather got wet, swelled up, became soft, and gave off an odour. The pampered palace dogs smelled the delicious leather scent and came down into the compound. They chewed off and devoured the soft wet chariot straps. Before daybreak, they returned unseen to their places in the palace.

When the king woke up and came down, he saw that the leather had been chewed off and eaten by dogs. He called the servants and demanded to know how this happened.

Since they were supposed to watch the palace dogs, the servants were afraid to blame them. Instead, they made up a story that stray dogs, the mutts and mongrels of the city, had come into the grounds through sewers and storm drains. They were the ones who had eaten the fancy leather.

The king flew into a terrible rage. He was so overcome by anger that he decided to take vengeance against all dogs. So he decreed that whenever anyone in the city saw a dog, he was to kill him or her at once!

The people began killing dogs. The dogs could not understand why suddenly they were being killed. Later that day, they learned of the king's decree. They became very frightened and retreated to the cemetery just outside the city. This was where their leader lived, the Dog King Silver.

Silver was king not because he was the biggest or strongest or toughest. He was average in size, with sleek silver fur, sparkling black eyes and alert pointed ears. He walked with great dignity, that brought admiration and respect from men as well as dogs. In his long life he had learned much, and was able to concentrate his mind on what is most important. So he became the wisest of all the dogs, as well as the one who cared most for the others. Those were the reasons he was king of the dogs.

In the cemetery, the dogs were in a panic. They were frightened to death. The Dog King Silver asked them why this was. They told him all about the chariot straps and the king's decree, and the people killing them whenever they saw them.

King Silver knew there was no way to get into the well-guarded palace grounds. So he understood that the leather must have been eaten by the dogs living inside the palace.

He thought, "We dogs know that, no matter how different we may appear, somehow we are all related. So now I must make my greatest effort to save the lives of all these poor dogs, my relatives. There is no one to save them but me."

He comforted them by saying, "Do not be afraid. I will save you all. Stay here in the cemetery and don't go into the city. I will tell the King of Benares who are the thieves and who are the innocent. The truth will save us all."

Before setting out, he went to a different part of the cemetery to be alone. Having practiced goodness all his life, and trained his mind, he now concentrated very hard and filled his mind with feelings of loving-kindness. He thought, "May all dogs be well and happy, and may all dogs be safe. I go to the palace for the sake of dogs and men alike. No one shall attack or harm me."

Then the Dog King Silver began walking slowly through the streets of Benares. Because his mind was focused, he had no fear. Because of his long life of goodness, he walked with a calm dignity that demanded respect. And because of the warm glow of loving-kindness that all the people sensed, no one felt the rising of anger or any intention to harm him. Instead, they marvelled as the Great Being passed, and wondered how it could be so!

It was as if the whole city were entranced. With no obstruction, the Dog King Silver walked right past the palace guards, into the royal hall of justice, and sat down calmly underneath the king's throne itself! The King of Benares was impressed by such courage and dignity. So when servants came to remove the dog, he ordered them to let him remain.

Then the Dog King Silver came out from under the throne and faced the mighty King of Benares. He bowed respectfully and asked, "Your majesty, was it you who ordered that all the dogs of the city should be killed?" "It was I," replied the king. "What crime did the dogs commit?" asked the dog king. "Dogs ate my rich beautiful chariot leather and straps." "Do you know which dogs did this?" asked King Silver. "No one knows," said the King of Benares.

"My lord," said the dog, "for a king such as you, who wishes to be righteous, is it right to have all dogs killed in the place of the few guilty ones? Does this do justice to the innocent ones?" The king replied, as if it made perfect sense to him, "Since I do not know which dogs destroyed my leather, only by ordering the killing of all dogs can I be sure of punishing the guilty. The king must have justice!"

The Dog King Silver paused for a moment, before challenging the king with the crucial question - "My lord king, is it a fact that you have ordered all dogs to be killed, or are there some who are not to be killed?" The king suddenly became a little uneasy as he was forced to admit, before his whole court, "It is true that most dogs are to be killed, but not all. The fine pure-breeds of my palace are to be spared."

Then the dog king said, "My lord, before you said that all dogs were to be killed, in order to insure that the guilty would be punished. Now you say that your own palace dogs are to be spared. This shows that you have gone wrong in the way of prejudice. For a king who wishes to be righteous, it is wrong to favor some over others. The king's justice must be unbiased, like an honest scale. Although you have decreed an impartial death to all dogs, in fact this is only the slaughter of poor dogs. Your rich palace dogs are unjustly saved, while the poor are wrongly killed!"

Recognizing the truth of the dog king's words, the King of Benares asked, "Are you wise enough to know which dogs ate my leather straps and belts?" "Yes my lord, I do know," said he, "it could only be your own favorite palace dogs, and I can prove it." "Do so," said the king.

The dog king asked to have the palace pets brought into the hall of justice. He asked for a mixture of buttermilk and grass, and for the dogs to be made to eat it. Lo and behold, when this was done they vomited up partly digested pieces of the king's leather straps!

Then the Dog King Silver said, "My lord, no poor dogs from the city can enter the well-guarded palace compound. You were blinded by prejudice. It is your dogs who are the guilty ones. Nevertheless, to kill any living being is an unwholesome thing to do. This is because of what we dogs know, but men do not seem to know - that somehow all life is related, so all living beings deserve the same respect as relatives."

The whole court was amazed by what had just taken place. The King of Benares was suddenly overcome by a rare feeling of humility. He bowed before the dog king and said, "Oh great king of dogs, I have never seen anyone such as you, one who combines perfect wisdom with great compassion. Truly, your justice is supreme. I offer my throne and the kingdom of Benares to you!"

The Enlightenment Being replied, "Arise my lord, I have no desire for a human crown. If you wish to show your respect for me, you should be a just and merciful ruler. It would help if you begin to purify your mind by practising the 'Five Training Steps'. These are to give up entirely the five unwholesome actions: destroying life, taking what is not given, sexual wrong-doing, speaking falsely, and drunkenness."

The king followed the teachings of the wise dog king. He ruled with great respect for all living beings. He ordered that whenever he ate, all dogs, those of the palace and those of the city, were to be fed as well. This was the beginning of the faithfulness between dogs and men that has lasted to this day.

The moral is: Prejudice leads to injustice, wisdom leads to justice.

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Time to Smile - Life is Like That

Calvin and Elmer...

Calvin sees Elmer and asks, "What’s up?"

Elmer says, "First I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations."

"Boy, you had quite a time."

"I’ll say! I thought I’d never pull trough that spelling test."

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