The Enemy Within: What really holds you back?

“We Have Met the Enemy and He Is Us” Oliver Hazard Perry in 1813

I didn’t truly understand the depth of this quote until I became a coach. It is 1000% true that we are oftentimes our own harshest critics. But what is behind this critic and why do we behave this way?

There are many things that may hold us back, but for today, I want to focus on internal blocks that coaches refer to as GAILS – Gremlins, Assumptions, Interpretations, and Limiting Beliefs. These are called internal blocks because you are in control of these. Outer blocks are those things outside of you and, perhaps, out of your control such as weather or economic conditions. It is not uncommon for internal blocks to masquerade as outer blocks. It is my job to dig deeper into our coaching sessions to help uncover what is really taking place.

Limiting Beliefs is the first block. These are beliefs you have about the world, about situations, and about life in general that hold you back from success and quite potentially stop you from getting what you want. Unlike the other blocks I will cover, this is the least personal because you did not generate the thinking. However, if you believe strongly that your beliefs are true, this may stop you from achieving your goals. For example, if you believe that an Ivy-league educated candidate will be the only one who gets the job you are considering, you may not apply at all to your dream job. Failure before you are even out of the gate.

What are some of your Limiting Beliefs? The one that keeps popping up from our societal norms is that blonds have more fun. Little did the hair color company that created this campaign realize how much we would accept this as truth. Think about your own childhood and dig into where some of your beliefs originated.

In coaching a Limiting Belief, we may challenge you to think differently about your belief once we identify it. “ How true is that really?” Look for proof of its truth or lack thereof. Where did I get this idea? What I have learned from coaching my own clients is that your Limiting Beliefs have become part of your everyday language without much thought about where this language came from.

The next block is Interpretations. This is the most common block. Don’t all of us create stories in our heads? You create a quick story based on your beliefs and past experiences, unconsciously looking for evidence to support it, and believe your story is true when in reality your story likely only represents your viewpoint. If you stick with this belief, you have much less chance of seeing another possibility and this may cause you to feel like you have little control over what happens next.

For example, if your CEO walks into a meeting with you and barely acknowledges you, you may interpret that the CEO is unhappy with your performance. This lack of acknowledgment may have absolutely nothing to do with you – perhaps she had a bad day or was otherwise distracted. But your interpretation may cause you to believe your job is in jeopardy which may cause you to change the way you show up at the next meeting – potentially more tentative or seemingly losing confidence in your ability. Something we call a self-fulfilling travesty.

We may ask you to consider another way to look at the situation. What would a co-worker or friend say about what happened?

What interpretations do you think have affected your performance?

The third block is Assumptions. This is a belief that because something happened in the past, it is automatically going to happen again. This is more personal than Limiting Beliefs because you are feeling this way due to personal experience. Assumptions hold you back because when you believe you already “know” something won’t work for you, then you have failed before you have even tried. I see this all the time in my coaching practice. When I hear, “I already know what he/she is going to say”……. Certainly, you have some history that supports your belief, but if you go on this premise for communication with your partner, for example, you have effectively shut down any further communication and any attempt at communicating how you feel and finding out how your partner feels.

We may say to you “just because something happened in the past, why does it have to happen again?” Think about dating, you end up with one person but you may have dated many others before you met your spouse. The same holds true for a job – you may have been turned down at other jobs, but this does not prevent you from getting hired someplace else. We may also ask you when you have been successful in the past with other interviews. What worked well before? What strength or trait helped you drive this success? How can you use this again in the current situation? Another interesting approach is to try and put a positive spin on the assumption since the future hasn’t happened yet. So instead of saying “I will never get that job because I didn’t get the job last time I applied”, why not try and approach it by saying, “Though I have tried before, I know so much more now and know I am a perfect fit for this position”.

Challenging assumptions can take time, but learning to look at things a little bit differently is worth the wait.

Ok, so now we are at the Granddaddy of all blocks – the dreaded Gremlin. The Gremlin lies within each of us. It is the voice in your head that tries to keep you safe but in doing so tells you never to take a risk and always take the safe road.

Your Gremlin is the most personal of all the blocks and has the most emotion around it. When your Gremlin talks to you, it is hard not to listen. Am I right? And when you do listen, you are so afraid of trying something new because your Gremlin has already convinced you that you will fail, be hurt, or embarrassed.

Here is squarely where Imposter Syndrome lies – I don’t have enough experience, I don’t deserve this, they are going to find out I am not as good as they think I am. Remember that F.E.A.R. stands for False Evidence Appearing Real!

For something as insidious as the Gremlin, we need an all-out plan of attack. First, we have to face our Gremlin. If the voice inside your head is speaking to about why you can’t, shouldn’t, or won’t, you know it is your Gremlin barking at you.

What is your Gremlin saying? Examine what you are thinking and feeling at the moment. Then decide on what to say back to your Gremlin (I know it seems weird but trust me on this). Thanks for keeping me safe, but I have this.

This is a quick overview of the GAILs that lurk inside all of us. With effort and a good coach, I can help you increase your awareness and break through the barriers that hold you back.

Are you ready?