The End of Ugly Conversations: How to Embrace Productive Conflict

There is a lot of tension in the world right now. This could be making you and your wider teams feel tense as well, perhaps even exhausted and on the cusp of conflict in your business.

Considering how much time we spend at work and in our teams, conflict is inescapable. You will never get along and agree on every project or every decision with everyone you encounter, 100 per cent of the time. But here’s the thing, every relationship, team and organisation inevitably experience conflict. Whilst it can be uncomfortable and unwanted, it can also be necessary in order to grow and choose the best route.

How big a problem is conflict at work?

Naturally, depending on the size of your team or organisation, the impact of conflict will vary. Some of the stats around team conflict are staggering. It’s estimated that the typical manager spends 25 – 40% of their time dealing with workplace conflict. That’s 1 – 2 days every workweek. (figures from the Washington Business Journal)

The latest?research from ACAS?estimates the cost of conflict at ￡28.5 billion per year. This includes time spent on resolving grievances, sickness absence because of conflict, lost productivity and the cost of recruitment if the conflict results in resignation and staff are replaced.

In fact, conflict is one of the largest reducible costs in business, yet since so many of us resist addressing conflict and it remains one of the biggest issues in companies today.?

Productive v destructive conflict

The conflict we need to ensure we share ideas and differences of opinion is productive conflict. That’s healthy debate and the exchanging of ideas rather than ugly conversations, gossiping and personal attacks. The latter, known as destructive conflict, often results in hurtful and harmful negative behaviours and environments.?

Too often and especially without the right tools, many teams and the individuals in them default to destructive conflict behaviour. This sort of conflict leads to arguments, passive-aggressive behaviour, sarcasm, colleagues withdrawing from the situation, and even revenge, along with unresolved issues bubbling away, ready to boil over. When this happens, trust can break down, people become disconnected, and performance is hugely affected.

Moving towards productive conflict starts with self-awareness. It begins with understanding yourself at a deeper level – how you see conflict, how you typically react in conflict when things get tense, and then widening this to understand your colleagues. The next step is to understand the reasons why you may react in a certain way, your automatic thoughts and your triggers. From here, the objective is to add a pause between your automatic impulse and reaction and work on adapting your behaviour accordingly.?

It’s not easy to hold a mirror up to ourselves, to address and adapt the way we behave – especially if you are a little defensive, stubborn or sensitive (aren’t we all!), but this is possible and probable when using the right tools. It often starts with an ‘Aha moment’ – something clicks – an exciting moment when you know that real change can begin!

Imagine if you were able to feel and behave differently about conflict right now; what would the impact be to you personally and the people around you? People often tell us the awareness they gained has enabled them to become stronger, calmer and more capable leaders. They also add that they feel more confident, relaxed, resilient, adaptable and ultimately happier at home and at work too.

How to deal with conflict effectively

It takes emotional intelligence, courage, and vulnerability to respond to conflict in a way that might not be your default. How can you flex these muscles and encourage dealing with conflict productively?

Using the?Everything DiSC Productive Conflict tool?takes DiSC to another level. It helps you understand your style and preferences, motivators and stresses, and how we differ from others. Beyond this, it also relates our DiSC style to specific conflict behaviours. The better we understand ourselves and, of course, the people around us, the better equipped we are to deal with situations that are less than harmonious.

Everything DiSC Productive Conflict looks at how different styles interact in conflict, helping people understand their likely productive and destructive tendencies.

Whilst we primarily look at behaviours in a work situation, understanding our preferences and tendencies spills over into our personal relationships. For me, that increased self-awareness has helped in my relationships with my husband, my family and beyond. It’s that chance to step back from a conflict situation, pause and reframe so we can move forward more effectively.

To give this more context, my profile helped me to realise that I have an iD style. To summarise, you could describe me as an action-focused, enthusiastic, collaborative person – I like to chat, work with people and get things done. In conflict, if I let my emotions get the better of me, my iD style can be to become overly talkative, emotional, and forceful – far from ideal if you’re trying to resolve or move forward with a disagreement. I also have the tendency to become overly dramatic at times (to show I am hurting), or I can sometimes shut down (because I get overwhelmed). These insightful learnings have helped me to really understand my thoughts and behaviour in conflict. As a result, I feel better equipped to navigate even the most challenging situations and people!

What about your conflict style?

Do you know what your productive and destructive behaviours are when you’re in a conflict situation? What would it do for you and your team if you could stay on the productive side? The business case is hard to ignore, let alone what it would do for your mental health and stress levels.

Contact the Fruitful Team?for more tips and tools around conflict resolution.