The End Times

Appell Pie August/Sept. 2002/2018

Have you noticed that recently people are reading and speaking more about the “End Times” It seems that people are secretly wishing for doom and evil to prevail. All of the talk shows and the magazines are doing stories on this very subject, but Today’s Restaurant News has obtained a copy of a manuscript so secret only a few people in the entire world have heard of it.

It is entitled The Diaries of Chef Nostraburger and the Future of the Res...taurant Industry. I first heard of these writings as I was digging in the ruins of a failed restaurant in the bowels of Calcutta in 1963, looking for any piece of used equipment that could be exported to a new restaurant in the southern US. The distraught owner kept crying that “Nostraburger said this would happen but I didn’t believe him.”

The next time I heard that name was last week when I discovered the papers that were written so many sandwiches ago in a parcel delivered to my office in a brown envelope with a stain of what appeared to be tomato sauce in the upper left corner. It was no different that the hundreds of envelopes I get during the year, but this one had a different feel and odor. The odor of age.

I pried open the package slowly, not knowing what I would find, slowly I tilted it and out slipped dozens of white cocktail napkins with hand written notes scrolled in circles upon circles all falling toward the center of the napkin. I had never seen anything quite like it before, except in a Mel Brooks movie. The writing was legible enough but it seemed to have been written several centuries ago. The writing style was not familiar but the messages were clear.

All of the thoughts were laid out in chronological order in prophecies known as Appell Pie Slices. It seems that there was a King of Beef ruling over a land in the territory of the sun that felt under siege by suitors to his throne, by armies of raiders, from the Isles of the House of Windsor. Other foes were gearing their legions to do battle from the north of Jersey along the east coast.

Nostraburger wrote; small and large subs from Jersey and the subway would rise up to take away the lead.

From the Garden of Olives would come a wind so hot that only wheat and greens would survive.

The Golden arches would continue their march only to be stopped by the bucket of stars and java.

When this battle finally begins General Schlotzky will feed his troops on circles of sour dough and send his troops to Church’s of chicken to ring the bell of Taco de Pizza.

General Perkins on the left would speak with absolut truth and cause the Outback to begin to shake with the sounds of Sonic booms.

The oceans would be caused to heat causing all of the lobster to turn red and not even the cool Bahama Breeze will save them.

In the end all that would be left is Smokey Bones and the scent of the red-hot cayenne pepper.

Nostraburger was a genius, take heed, for what he said will come to pass.

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