Encouraging with Robust Compassion

I remember a leadership position I held at one time, my team consisted of five individuals, each of whom had their own unique gifts and strengths. Despite four of them performing the same role, they each did it in their own unique way. As a result, as their manager, I had to approach the way I supported and encouraged them differently.

My approach was to celebrate, point out and encourage the things they did really well so they would continue to do these things. At the same time, inviting them to lean into their areas of development. In this way, I was able to reinforce their strengths but also encourage their areas of improvement. By highlighting strengths first my perception was there was more openness to exploring the things they needed to work on and therefore more willingness to put in the effort in these areas.

This brings up a very important point, encouraging others is not just about identifying and supporting strengths or the things they do well. There are definitely times when calling people up about their words, actions or behaviours is just as important for encouraging them to thrive.

When someone is acting out of alignment with their values or in a way that is causing harm to others it is our responsibility to point this out. They may be blissfully unaware of the impact they are having on themselves or on others, this is where we can exercise robust compassion.

My understanding of the definition of compassion is that it is a distinct wish for someone to be free from suffering. There is definitely an action component to compassion. We feel a deep understanding of what another is experiencing and want to do something to mitigate the suffering in some way. There are certainly times when a more “robust” approach is required. Like pointing out to someone how a behaviour is not serving them or those around them. Keeping them accountable to this is a pure act of compassion in and of itself.

Of course, our delivery here is crucial, we need to discern the time and the place but more importantly the openness to hearing. If someone is in a highly activated or in a heightened emotional state it may be better to wait until they become more regulated to deliver our message. We can do this by using our observation skills and listening. Not only to what is being said by the other but also by their body language and non-verbal cues.

A sentence starter that I often use to test the waters is “Do you mind if I reflect something back to you” or “Do you mind if I offer some feedback?” In my experience, the use of ‘I’ statements is critical here particularly if the other person is somewhat vulnerable or emotional. Upon asking either of these questions though we have to be mindful and open to the response and not just plough on because we have “the answer”.

If the other person says “no” we have to respect that and leave it there resisting the need to fix! Our role in holding space for others needs to be led by and in service to them. It is so much more powerful if they come up with the realisations or answers on their own.

The point here is sometimes we need to point things out and call them up so there is awareness in the first place.

When we encourage others we help them see not only the things that they do well or that we admire in them we also point out the potential blindspots someone may have. By doing so we enable greater self-awareness and by virtue of that assist them in being a better version of themselves.

First Published: https://www.beinghuman.net.au/blog/encouraging-isnt-just-about-rainbows-amp-unicorns