Encouraging Nonviolent Communication in Families Part - I

“Economic growth or military strength alone won't make India strong, a truly sustainable society, at the heart of which is the family, is very much necessary, argues former President A P J Abdul Kalam in his new book. Kalam and celebrated Jain thinker late Acharya Mahapragya in the book "The Family and the Nation" says that only a strong and happy family can lead to a strong and noble nation.”

(https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/news/politics-and-nation/a-p-j-kalam-stresses-on-importance-of-family-in-nation-building/articleshow/40917323.cms?utm_source=contentofinterest&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=cppst)

The former President of India Dr A P J Abdul Kalam was pertinent when he was emphasizing that only a strong and happy family could lead to a strong and noble nation. At a time when our family value system seems to be on the decline, we need to make serious efforts to restore the collective nature of our families which was embodiment of love, compassion, kindness, empathy and gratitude. This conversation is dedicated to the former President of India and his vision for a strong and happy family.

The Budhirajas (name changed) are an urban, new age family. As is the case of many families, the increasing proliferation of technology in the household, the race towards crass materialism which is leading to individualism and a slow death of empathetic relationships, the four-member of the Budhiraja household all seem to going in their own path with little conversation between them. They are not sure when did they last had a meal together or thought of a family vacation. The father is super busy trying to expand his business to newer heights. The mother runs a business of artwork. The son, who studies in class XI has already become a party animal. The daughter, in class IX is a connoisseur of expensive beauty products hoping to become a model soon. Neither of them would remember when the last time the four had conversations together. Our conversation veers around this aspect of dialogue deficit in families and how we reclaim it.

Vedabhyas Kundu: Munazah, to my mind the Budhirajas are still lucky to have survived as ‘a family’. As we know the four members are still living under one roof. With growing individualism and the mad craze to acquire more money and luxuries, there are families which are crumbling. In many cases, the moral values which determine a family unit are fast disappearing. Unfortunately, Munazah, every now and then, we come across news of murders of live-in partners, devastating separation and divorces, disrupting family feuds which lead to violent attacks on family members. Further, we find that the value of conversations or support systems which has been part of our family traditions, are unfortunately missing in today’s age leading to mental health issues especially amongst the young people. Bereft of support structures, many of these young people, barely in their teens are committing suicide which presents a scary scenario. Also disruptions in families lead to many young people taking to crime or become aggressive. Further declining family values and decaying family structures are leaving the elderly vulnerable with dwindling support systems. This is an important reason why we are increasingly finding a large number of elderly having to take shelters in old age homes.

Munazah Shah: I totally agree with you Vedabhyas. Till the recent past, we had joint families where family members lived together under one roof. They all mutually worked, eat, worship and co-operated with each other in one or the other way. This also helped the family to get strong mentally, physically and economically, the children also got to know about the values and traditions of the society from their grandparents and elders. Vedabhyas,, though still continuing in mostly rural areas, the joint family system is under siege due to excessive urbanization, competition to outwit other members of the family, pressures to gain the most of our lives. All these led to single or nuclear family structures. But now, further crass materialism and decline of value systems are disrupting even these single or nuclear family structures. And, Vedabhyas, to my mind, the decline in healthy communication is creating more problems.

Vedabhyas Kundu: Yes indeed, Munazah. When there are disruptions in communication or a dysfunctional communication ecosystem emerges in the family, it can result in emotional distance between the members. When we talk about family bonds, situations of emotional distance lead to a point when individuals find it difficult to express their thoughts and feelings. Some members may withdraw or become disconnected from each other. Probably, when members find it difficult to share their emotions with others, they start internalizing them leading to stress and variety of other lifestyle diseases. This also creates barriers to emotional intimacy.

Munazah Shah: Further, I think when there is a dysfunctional communication ecosystem in a family; it leads to situations when family members are likely to misinterpret each other’s actions and behaviours. Vedabhyas, you will find this as a common occurrence in families when breakdown in communication leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. This is precisely, Vedabhyas, we should promote and encourage integration of the values of nonviolent communication in the communication ecosystem of families. I think we should delve on this aspect in a greater detail in the next part of this conversation.

To conclude, we feel that incessant use of communication tools are resulting in growing distances in families. When all members of the families are hooked to their smart phones or involved in some social media, where is the space for genuine conversation to take place? Many of the family members are suffering from Internet addiction which not only blocks genuine conversations but also is having a toll on the mental health of the members. The addiction, which has now been recognized as a disorder has a lot of impact on the brain and health and can even lead to depression among the users. The conversations, if any, are becoming mechanical and frozen. Even if a member is in any kind of difficulty, s/he is reluctant to be honest. The lack of heart-to-heart communication is leading to withdrawal syndrome especially amongst young people, teenagers and kids. Such lack of positive communication is resulting in increase in cases of mental health problems amongst family members.

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