Empty The Tank

I have always told my clients to finish strong or leave everything you have on the field. In other words, empty the tank. I have been looking forward to easier days with my practice winding down. My main focus over the past few months has been case management for the homeless. This past Friday, one of my few remaining clients opted to go long with his contract with me. He said "Vance, the work we have been doing has been extraordinary, and has been really helpful." Two Sundays ago, I got a call from an old consulting client, and I was able to convince his friend to seek immediate medical care for suicidal ideation. This morning in the shower meditating, I thought "Empty the tank."

My case management job can run 8-10 hours a day with a 2 hour commute. When I get home, I have my practice and then take care of my disabled wife {which thank God, she is able to fend for herself most days now.} In other words, this boy is tired. But that changed for me this morning in the shower. I kept replaying the scenario and conversations in my head. Sure, the private practice money is great. But I am at an age where I am not motivated by money anymore. Yes we could always use it, but my wife told me to take care of myself, and that she would understand if I shut it down. So why empty the tank? 

I have been meditating for almost my entire life. And there is a reason why I have spent my entire life working in the helping profession. There is a reason why I do volunteer work everyday. Becuase meditation has made me keenly aware that life is not just about me. That we are all connected. And a decade ago when we lost everything {our life savings, 7 houses and our health}, we kept a life of service at the top of our payer list. We didn't want to grow bitter or feel sorry for ourselves. We wanted to be in a position to empower others. And despite all that we have going on, a life of service still remains at the top of our list. 

"Growth comes from pushing our limits."

I have said this countless times over the past few years, I statistically have 20 to 25 years of life left on this planet. Best to leave it better than I found it. I don't want to leave a legacy. I want to leave love. I want everyone that I have come into contact with, to be better for it. I can't change people, nor is it my desire to. I just want communication to be authentic. To be real. To actually mean something. I want to listen, learn and evolve. But I can't do that playing it safe. Growth comes from pushing our limits. That is why words cannot hurt me. I see my scars as victories. That despite the pain, I am still here loving, growing and seeking the truth. 

Would it be easier to slow down? Absolutely. Would it be worth it? At this juncture in my life, I don't think so. So after today's meditation, one thing is clear. Empty the tank.