Empathy: Unleashing Your Emotional Superpower

“I don’t want you to fix the problem or tell me what to do.  I just want you to listen.” 

If you are a male and reading this, chances are you’ve heard that statement from a significant other.  Women, how many times have you said that you your overly “helpful” male companion?  But unless you were born with emotional superpowers, we’ve all been guilty of not listening effectively to others.  The desire to be heard and understood is very important to both women and men.  According to scientific research, the ability to listen – and specifically to EMPATHIZE - is considered an essential skill personally and professionally, regardless of gender.  By developing this emotional “superpower” of empathy we can build stronger, healthier relationships in our personal lives and at work.

What is this “emotional superpower?”

Empathy is expressing to another person that we understand what they are saying and feeling.  It is relating to and listening to others by seeing things from their perspective.  Empathy is not necessarily “agreeing” with the other person.  It is simply acknowledging what’s been said and the emotion behind it.  It is an incredibly simple yet very powerful skill.  Based on brain scan imaging research, we know that the experience of empathy sets off a host of neurological changes.  These changes can lead to lower stress levels, feelings of connectedness with others, and even greater loyalty and productivity from employees.

Why does Empathy matter?

Consider these important research findings:

• There is a direct correlation between empathy and oxytocin - often called the bonding hormone - the same chemical released by the brain during physical touch with a loved one (Rodrigues, 2009).
• Empathy from customer service and sales representatives is directly correlated to customer satisfaction, loyalty, and ultimately increased revenue (Geigenmuller, 2013).
• Empathy from leaders greatly improves morale.  According to a survey of over 2000 employees, the most important skill a leader can have is listening and empathy.  The biggest mistake a leader can make is NOT listening to their employees (Blanchard, 2006).   

 Empathy creates a feeling of connectedness with others, leading to stronger relationships, more productive employees, and higher customer satisfaction.  In my personal life, I recently made a concerted effort to be more empathetic with my teenage daughter (instead of my default response of negativity or telling her what to do.)  It’s no coincidence that our relationship has greatly improved since then.  Empathy brings calm during challenging situations.  (If you don’t believe this, tell someone to “calm down” and see how that works for you.  Then try to empathize and observe the difference!)

So how do we use this superpower?

Perhaps the first step is to lose our “go to” responses like “you’ll just have to tough it out” or “I know how you feel.”  They are at best cliché’, and at worst patronizing.  (I made that mistake with my 11 year old daughter recently who not so politely informed me that I have no idea what she is feeling!)

The simplest and most effective form of empathy is to state what the person is feeling (the emotion) and why they are feeling that way (summarize the problem or issue.)  If we are not adept at empathy, identifying and naming the emotion the other person is experiencing may be a challenge.  But even if we are inaccurate in our statement, the speaker will often still feel acknowledged and heard.  Other examples of empathetic statements might be “I’m sorry this is happening to you” or “I can see why you are frustrated.”  We can also express empathy through eye contact and positive body language. 

When in doubt, just listen.

Where do we get this superpower?

Research suggests that empathy comes more naturally for some than for others.  It may even be genetic (Rodriguez, 2009).  Regardless of where we fall in the empathy gene pool, we can still develop the power of empathy through practice until it comes more naturally.  No matter how comfortable we feel using it initially, even when we are “faking it” empathy still works.  A simple exercise I use in training classes is for participants to share a challenging situation with a partner, whose job is to respond with empathy.  Inevitably, the person practicing feels clumsy and uncomfortable.  Yet, the person sharing will report a sense of relief – that the other person really understood what they were going through.   

Empathy is a very powerful tool for building relationships both professionally and personally.  Whether you were born with this emotional superpower or you are the empathetic equivalent of a 98 pound weakling, you don’t have to be an expert at it to use it.  The effort alone to listen and understand goes a long way towards building connections with others, lowering stress, and increasing employee loyalty and productivity. 

 For more information on Gateway Corporate College training programs, professional development opportunities or private coaching, contact Mike at [email protected].

References

Blanchard, K. (2006). Critical Leadership Skills:  Key Traits That Can Make or     Break Today’s Leaders. Ken Blanchard Companies.   https://www.kenblanchard.com/img/pub/pdf_critical_leadership_skills.pdf_Comparative and Physiological Psychology, 55, 893-896.

Geigenmuller, A., Kraus, F., Wieske, J., (2013).  It Takes Two to Tango: How Empathy Affects Sales Encounters June 2013 (Vol. 6, Iss. 2) Keller Center Research Report.  https://www.baylor.edu/business/kellercenter/news.php?action=story&story=130073

 Rodriguez, S., (2009). Oxytocin Receptor Genetic Variation Relates to Empathy and Stress Reactivity in Humans.  Proceedings of the National Academy of Arts and Sciences, U.S.A. 2009 Dec 15; 106(50): 21437–21441. https://www.pnas.org/content/106/50/21437.abstract