Empathy through disagreement

Welcome back to the Amplify Emotional Intelligence newsletter. Twice a month, I’ll share advice and inspiration to help you develop emotionally intelligent leaders and transform your company culture. Together, we can #amplifyei and create more belonging.

No matter what, there will always be disagreements in life. And when those challenging conversations arise, it’s best to face them head on rather than avoid them or let them simmer. In these moments, we must call upon empathy. Empathy allows us to see, hear, and feel others—although it’s worth stressing that empathizing with someone is not the same as agreeing with them. We can choose to listen and communicate empathetically without aligning ourselves with another’s perspective.

It can be a challenge to hold space for someone whose opinions we oppose.? But there is value in practicing empathy for all. Listening to another person’s point of view helps you achieve new levels of understanding.?It’s a step towards belonging, and it sets an example for others to do the same.?

Empathy enables us to communicate effectively, allowing us to engage in mindful, intentional dialogue. It teaches us to listen in order to understand, rather than just wait for a chance to respond. Clear, patient communication helps us share what we feel and what we value so we can help others understand our perspective on a given situation.?

Communication is a two-way street, and empathy comes into play in both sharing and receiving. Here’s a summary of how I teach empathetic communication both ways.

Empathetic listening

Listening to someone express something different from what you believe is not an easy feat for anyone. It takes attention, compassion, and intention to overcome the challenge of hearing someone’s opposing beliefs and values. When you’re engaging in difficult conversations, remember to be mindful of your own boundaries. When and if you have the capacity, I invite you to show up to the moment with full attention and deep curiosity.

Help set the scene for empathetic listening by clearing away distractions. Put away your phone, and center yourself in the moment. Do your best to silence your thoughts so you can hear the other person fully and completely.??

Then, call upon curiosity. Curiosity is the key to empathetic listening. By listening with mindfulness and attention, we can pick up on more than words alone—things like actions, body language, and unspoken emotions communicate beyond words.?

In order to be more curious, we must release assumptions and judgments and think critically to generate insightful questions. Being curious as you listen will help you acknowledge differences in style, culture, and perspective. You may not agree on something, but you can still listen with curiosity to learn about another’s experiences, feelings, and needs.?

Remember, feeling someone else’s emotions doesn’t mean we’re ignoring our own. Instead, we’re creating a space to acknowledge that they may have emotions or thoughts different—or sometimes similar—to ours.?

Empathetic sharing

Curiosity comes into play when sharing your own side of things, too. We can communicate more effectively when we practice self-awareness and observe our own emotions and perspectives with empathy, just as you do with another. Give yourself space and attention to understand what you want and need to share.

True communication happens when we reveal ourselves and seek genuine connection, despite differences in values. We must be willing to be vulnerable with others and open up about what we’re feeling and where we’re coming from.

When others lack empathy

Sometimes you can make all the effort to be an empathetic listener and a mindful communicator, yet the other person doesn’t extend you the same courtesy. In these instances, my mind goes to a quote by the great James Baldwin:

“We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.”

Disagreeing itself is not a harmful act, but when there is a lack of empathy and compassion it can feel that way. You deserve to set boundaries, and should never be expected to feel unsafe when practicing empathy. Trust yourself, your needs, and your gut. If the situation is one where you feel unsafe or unheard, it’s ok to walk away. Give the situation some space and decide later if you need to revisit.?

As a board-certified leadership coach, keynote speaker, and facilitator, Patrice B. Borders, the “EI Amplifier,"? combines her employment law and human capital practices to help organizations and individuals develop resonant leaders, collaborative teams, and inclusive workplace cultures. Get in touch with inquiries about keynotes and executive coaching, and stay connected by following #amplifyei .