Empathy, not sympathy and certainly not competition

Last night my wife and I were talking about our respective days and my wife told me how absolutely exhausted she was after a particularly busy day with the details to explain just how busy she had been. I talked about my very busy day and added that I too was also very tired. I was a bit surprised by the response I got which was "It's not a competition you know". I did not intend to compete as to who was the most tired and I am certain she did not want me to give her advice on how she could have done things differently and therefore not get too tired. I also don't believe she wanted me to patronise her by just saying "poor you". She wanted me to listen and to empathise. And I got it wrong!

Now, I keep seeing things on my news feed about how people should be grateful for what they have and to stop complaining about (what I frequently describe as) first world problems. This morning I saw one where someone was saying that they had lost an expensive pair of headphones and that they were reminded by a friend, along with a depressing picture of people living in squalor, how lucky they are and to stop complaining. Yes, we should be more appreciative of what we have as a society and we should certainly be more caring and considerate and help others. Not a problem with any of that.

However, the conversation with my wife came back to my mind.

You see, I was not competing with my wife on who was the most tired and she was not complaining or competing with me over the subject. In the same way, losing an expensive pair of headphones is annoying and something that it is perfectly reasonable to be unhappy about. The fact that there are people in the world who are far worse off does not mean that you are not allowed to be unhappy about something. The fact that other people might be more tired does not mean you are not allowed to be tired.

Let's face it, sometimes it is nice to just have a moan. it is incredibly unhealthy to do it all the time and I am sure we all know people who do. If you gave a briefcase full of cash to some people they would complain that it was too heavy. We all have good days and bad days, we all feel refreshed and exhausted, we can all be happy or miserable for no real reason. Sometimes, it is just one of those days and other times there is a reason behind it. Unfortunately my uncle died yesterday and so I have been a bit quiet today. It was nice that one of my team noticed and just said 'you OK? as I noticed you are a bit quiet'. I replied 'I 'm fine thanks, just busy'. But it was nice that someone noticed and thought to ask.

Empathy is a critical skill of business leaders and is linked with emotional intelligence, listening skills and is pretty much in every list of 'ten skills leaders must have'. So next time someone is having a bit of a moan about a 'first world problem' remember that they probably don't need advice, they might not be looking for sympathy, they certainly don't need telling that there are people worse off than them. perhaps they just thought you were a friend or colleague who might listen to them and perhaps just empathise a little bit.