Empathy is the secret ingredient

Last week, you got to know Piper and Taylor, our two cool cats. This week I want to introduce you to our 12-year-old Sheltie, Gwennie, and the powerful lessons she has taught me. Dogs can teach us a great deal about life and business. The movie LEARNING TO RACE IN THE RAIN is extraordinary, and I highly recommend it. This post if very specific and personal, and I hope it will encourage someone out there who needs to hear it. 

Gwennie is a gentle soul who has helped children learn to read, has comforted those in pain, and is a constant companion to my bride. She is a certified companion service dog. She is calm, cool, and collected UNTIL (cue ominous spooky music); there is a bad thunderstorm. 

Thunderstorms turn Gwennie into a shivering, shaking, ball of fear. She crawls under the covers while we hold her tight and speak soft words of encouragement to her. My wife even sings to her. 

We have tried weighted blankets, scent diffusers, even a little medication, but nothing helps. As soon as the storm passes, she is immediately cheerful and sweet, as if nothing ever happened. 

Then one day, I watched something about animals in the wild that are hunted daily, yet don’t seem stressed out. When danger approaches, (real life and death stuff, not my daily stress kind) they run, hide, freeze, and even play dead, until the predator passes by. What happens once they are safe again is pretty impressive. They shiver and shake almost uncontrollably for several minutes, and then they go on happily about their lives until the next time. They don’t hold onto the stress, and they let it go. 

The other animals don’t try to talk them out of it or convince them it wasn’t that bad, or remind them to count their blessings. The other animals accept that fear is normal, shivering is ok, and above all else, that they are accepted in their current condition.

Here are some incredible lessons I have learned from Gwennie and her fear of storms:

1.     When someone in my life experiences fear or trauma, the best thing I can do for them is “let them” in an empathetic way. I can offer comfort, support, a hug, or a prayer. I can sit silently with them, or help them talk it out. I can be fully present with them, just as they are.

2.     Trying to convince someone they shouldn’t feel the way they do is disrespectful to their value as a person. Just because I don’t understand their fear, does not mean it isn’t real. We all fear different things. 

3.     Facts are not friends when fear is the issue. The fact that Gwennie is loved and safe inside a home with hurricane-proof windows does absolutely nothing to assuage her fear. 

My final thought is deeply personal and has been learned over sixteen years of marriage, parenthood, and pet ownership. I can be a powerful force for healing or a blunt object that causes more pain. Emotional displays, especially crying, make me uncomfortable. I hate crying. On the surface, this seems callous, but deep down, it’s because crying makes me feel powerless. When others cry, my natural response is to try to make it stop, albeit in ways I think are helpful. I want to fix the problem, heal the wound, or cheer them up. These methods do not work because they are really about alleviating my discomfort, not the person in pain.  

The real power of empathy is giving another person the freedom to express their pain in ways that benefit them. If I am truly focused on them, my emotional discomfort shouldn’t matter. 

So now, when Gwennie shivers and shakes during storms, I no longer try to talk her out of it. I hold her close and let her shake, knowing that this is how she doesn’t let stress build-up. 

Applying this practice in my relationships with people is an exciting journey that enriches my life in every way. My bride has a full range of emotions that still befuddle me at times. I do not understand how she can laugh until tears stream down her face, cry during a movie, and cry when others are in pain. Sometimes all within the space of minutes (remember that movie I mentioned in the first paragraph?), I used to do anything I could to make it stop, which never worked by the way. 

Then I learned that I didn’t have to fix it, or make it better, or rationalize the situation. I simply need to be there. It’s ok for people to cry, or shiver, or shake, or yell, or whatever. My engaged presence is all that is necessary to be a force for good. 

I am reminded of a verse I need to try to live by. In The Message Version, it goes like this:

"Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down. Get along with each other; don’t be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don’t be the great somebody."

So next time a friend is in distress, try to be a conduit of healing by giving them the freedom to express their feelings without reproach or rationalizing. You know, share in their burden, but remember you don't have to fix it.   

Like the inside of my mind? Follow me for future blurbs of encouragement and wisdom learned the hard way.

You can find more valuable content at RELOAD Daily

--

Troy is an expert business strategist who specializes in employee engagement. He is Senior Consultant of enterprise technology solutions and new client acquisition at Businessolver, the leader in technology-based empathy research and innovation. Troy is also an outspoken advocate in the fight against domestic minor sex trafficking (DMST). He founded The Mission Haven, and with his wife, Hilda is building the largest care community for child survivors of DMST. They have a son in college, a dog, and three cats.  

You can connect with him directly or reach him via email: [email protected]