Empathy in sales and at Thanksgiving

Sales is hard. To be effective, you must be charismatic. You must be entertaining. You must be very persuasive. Selling takes persistence, thick skin and consistency. 

Who has all of those qualities, all the time? To me, it sounds exhausting. What if, for a moment, we only focus on one main selling skill: empathy. 

I’m talking about sales, but empathy is a relevant skill for life. For example, Thanksgiving is tomorrow. How would your table conversations change if you lead with empathy? Try it! It will be VERY hard. But, I think (I hope) you will find that it’s worth the effort.

I may be getting a little ahead of myself so let’s step back. 

First let’s look at what empathy really is.

Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

I think, often times, we confuse empathy with sympathy. I know I have. 

Sympathy: feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune.

So, how does empathy help you in sales?

Here are three steps to leading with empathy in sales (or in life). 

1.Listen and Validate: 

I think many people listen to talk. I know I do. Sometimes I’m partial-listening so badly that I miss key points. It’s something I work on every day. Empathy is listening to understand. Don’t fein listening so you can have your turn to make your point. When we’re sharing a problem or concern with someone else, we’re looking to see if our concerns are valid. That’s where validation comes in. I’m often surprised how much a little “me too” or “I get you” or “that does suck” makes me feel instantly better. And, I start to feel more connected to the person I’m talking with. This person “gets” me.

2. Understand and empathize

Brene Brown once explained empathy with a metaphor. Sympathy is looking down into a well and see someone who is struggling, saying “hey, you ok?” But, staying safely out of the well. Empathy is getting down into the well with someone who is struggling just to understand better. You get to empathy when you listen to understand. 

Personally, I am more apt to trust someone with my story who validates and understands me. If you don’t hear personal stories, you’re probably not leading with empathy.

3. Ask for permission to help

Warning: Empathy is not making someone’s problems your own. You still have a way out of that well. Empathy is not solving problems. It’s simply understanding how that person feels. 

Rosie Perez explains it perfectly (hilariously) in White Men Can’t Jump. Of course, she says "sympathize" when she means "empathize," but as I said earlier, easily confused. Disclaimer: I tried to edit and upload a new version but LinkedIn wouldn't let me sooo... Stop watching at about 1:28 to avoid the lewd remarks that follow. (grimacing).

Once you have laid the groundwork: validated the concern, show that you understand the problem, then you may solve it. But, ask for permission. It may seem silly at first, but people are more likely to take your advice if they gave you permission for it. I think Rosie would approve.

"This is unrealistic"

As I’m reading what I’ve written, I’m playing devil’s advocate. We’re all “busy.” We don’t have time to hear every single customer’s story. It’s unrealistic to ask this of salespeople. (I’m already practicing my belly breathing for Black Friday shopping… there won’t be an empathetic ear anywhere.) 

Here’s a story that I hope quashes your doubts. 

My family and I went to a sandwich shop the other day, we were in a hurry, it was obvious. We ran in. We ordered hastily. After I ordered and paid for the sandwiches, the cashier said, “Oh I apologize in advance, but it’s going to be a few minutes.” 

This is what I thought: “Well this isn’t really “in advance.” I already paid. We can’t go anywhere else. I guess we have a few minutes to spare. Only a few.”

After 10 minutes, I told them we were heading to a game and on a tight schedule. They dismissed me and gave me a standard, “we’re making these sandwiches as fast we can.” I huffed.

We waited for 20 minutes. For sandwiches. We were late for my son’s basketball game.

What could he have done differently?

If he lead with empathy and understood that we were on a tight schedule. And then told us it would be 20 minutes, we would have left. So that’s a lost sale, right? Yes. It is. But… we would have walked out of there with gratitude for the respect for our time. That cashier would have left a positive impression that would stick with me the next time my family went to lunch.

In conclusion...

Not everyone would agree that empathy belongs in sales. Looking at you, car salesmen. But, I believe that leading with empathy would end in more sales than not. Because empathy leads to deeper relationships. And people buy from people they trust. 

People also share stories with people they trust. So, this year, try to lead with empathy on Thanksgiving Day and end with gratitude. 

Happy Thanksgiving!