Empathy as a ninja device against bad vibes in your life

I don't know about you, but one of my biggest triggers is dealing with difficult people. I can see you nodding furiously as you agree with me, picturing some key suspects in your life; a co - worker, a partner, a friend or family member who is 'difficult'.

And now I'm going to burst your bubble by imagining others sharing that very admission you just made and this time you coming up in their minds as the person they're finding difficult. I'll bet you are nodding less vigorously now, but nodding, nonetheless. It's a painful admission for me, as I'm sure it is for you. After years of holding everyone else accountable for making my life difficult, I came to one priceless conclusion :

There are no difficult people and relationships; there are only missed opportunities for connection.

At the heart of difficult relationships is the big 'J' (aka judgement). But who is the guilty party is not such an easy question to answer. Here's why.

Let's blame evolution. Our survival in many ways on this planet is contingent on making a series of smaller judgements every minute of every day. Is this chocolate good or bad for me? Should I wait for the next car or cross the road now? In fact, if we didn't use our judgement, we'd literally be tomorrow's road kill. It's when we start using judgement to protect ourselves against emotions and fears that seem unbearable, that we find ourselves in toxic space of difficult relationships. Let me illustrate:

Friend: Let's catch up over dinner next week.

Me: I'd love that. I'm available next Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.

Friend: Oh, I don't know about next week as yet. I don't plan so far ahead. Let's just play it by ear.

Me: What does that even mean? Doesn't everyone plan their schedules in advance?

Friend: Oh ok. Next Tuesday then?

Me: What time and where?

Friend: Thought bubble "Man, she's so difficult to make plans with!". Says aloud "Err... 7pm ish? and I don't care, wherever"

Me: Thought bubble "God! It's like pulling teeth with this one. Can't commit to anything". Says aloud "7pm works and let's go to the new place in town"

Friend: "Ewwww, no. I've heard its awful"

Me: "I just asked you to tell me where you want to go"

This conversation goes on for another 5 minutes before both of us hang up with fully judgmental views about each other, labelling each other as being "difficult".

If you look closely, however, I am exhibiting my value style i.e. Organized and methodical as well as my saboteur i.e. perfectionism. My friend, on the other hand, is exhibiting her value style i.e. spontaneity and freedom as well as her saboteur i.e. the pleaser and avoidance. And so it goes. Our idea of the other's 'difficult' status is born out of a lack of awareness for the other. This is a fairly innocuous example I've shared, but I'm sure you can replay some pretty serious situations where the stakes were high and the outcome, well, devastating.

Helping someone feel seen and heard in a conversation is possibly the biggest gift you can give them AND the best negotiation tool you will ever use in your life to achieve your goals

Let's discuss some strategies on how you can turn this around and achieve your life goals notwithstanding the difficult elements around you:

Stop thinking of Empathy like its a vanilla softie

When I bring up the topic of empathy with my clients there's generally eye rolls and glazed looks. It conjures up images of us all hugging each other (including the grade 'A' a**holes in our lives) and singing hippie type songs of love. No. Stop.

Brene Brown said "Empathy is our ability to be with another in their emotion". I still get goosebumps when I play that back in my head. So, what's so difficult about that and what does it have to do with our goals? The reason this is the most difficult thing you and I will ever do is that when someone is <hurt/angry/triggered/upset/sad/menacing> and we are interacting with them, it requires us to access those feelings within our own selves first.

Sparing you the science lecture, let it suffice to say that we all have these cool set of neurons in our bodies called 'mirror neurons'. Again, these exist as part of our evolutionary origins to help us make sense of the world around us. So, if someone in front of me right now raise their hand suddenly and advances it towards me, my mirror neurons kick in by trying to access how my own body makes sense of this action. It accesses my past experiences and feelings about this situation. So whether I see this as someone lunging forward to strike me or hug me largely depends on my own experiences of that action in my own body. Now transplant what I just explained to someone with an emotional response within an interaction. We end up doing the same thing. And this is where it gets so hard. In order for me to be able to deal with the emotional outburst of the person with me, I need to have access to this experience within me. So if you are really good at being aware of your own emotional state, you've had a lot of exposure to having diverse emotional responses, information, embraced different experiences, chances are you will be fairly comfortable with this expression in another. That's empathy. What becomes possible in that situation is emotional agility. When you can get past your own stuff, you can see the big picture almost instantaneously. And the bigger picture in this case is whatever is important for you at that moment. The problem is that for most of us, this muscle is the weakest link organ in our entire body.

Our inability to be with our own emotional triggers, beliefs and fears stems from our judgement of it. "Showing my vulnerability is bad", "I don't want to know why I'm so angry", "I was taught to be positive all the time" "I have to be hard on myself to get any where in life" are just some of the judgements we put on ourselves. And there is one law of self - sabotage that we all need to know about. If I'm judging myself, I better be judging others. It's called survival. Most of us are in survival mode most of the time. This shows up in labelling others as 'difficult' and we actually think this is helpful to us to achieve our goals. It's not. It's like being in a constant state of flogging ourselves with a spiked club and swinging that club around whenever anyone shows up in our way. Not very constructive, no?

Self love isn't in a brownie or a bubble bath

At the heart of empathy is the ability to demonstrate a deep sense of "being ok" with ourselves; I mean every part of ourselves, including our inner Darth Vader. Especially our inner Darth Vader; that part of ourselves which we believe is filthy, disgusting, unbearable and inappropriate. The self help industry of candles, face masks, highly calorific brownie mixes refers to as "self love". Here's the added layer of responsibility, you've got to be ok with yourself before you can be ok for and with others. Tall order.

Personal admission: I don't think any of us ever reach that a 100%. It's where we get stuck. The idea that you don't have to do any "work on yourself" to change is an almost blasphemous in a world full of quick fix life hacks to love ourselves. Remembering whom you already are is an act of deep courage. It's the space that your best version resides. The one where your resources have cocktails with your flaws to create the magnificence that is you.

To be able to stop judging ourselves is the greatest act of bravery that most of us will ever demonstrate in our lifetime.

Here's my home grown concoction of how I deal (try to, sometimes limping along) with difficult people I encounter with about an 80% success ratio (btw if someone is offering you a 100% ratio, you better be sniffing a big fat rodent):

Exercise 1:

For the next 3 days, try having conversations with people whom you interact playing the following game:

RULES

1. You can show them resonance with something they've said or thank them for having an opinion/ point of view/ perspective, acknowledge what you see in their experience e.g. bravery, courage, tenacity, pain, suffering.
2. You can ask questions in the conversation only in an exploratory manner e.g. How was that experience for you? Can you share an example of what you are saying? That sounds painful, what was that like for you? How can I help? What's important for them in what they're sharing.
3. You CANNOT offer a solution, give them a fix - it, tell them your experience of what they're saying, start a sentence with an accusation, interrupt while they're speaking (even if they're super long - winded) or tell them how to feel e.g. Come on, toughen up, it will be ok.

Try this little 3 day experiment. Chances are you will find:

• How difficult it is not to provide a solution.
• How difficult it is not to judge a person or situation
• How oblivious you are to how much you do it

Now, try the turbo charged version of this experiment. Replicate the same experiment, and this time add a layer:

• Catch yourself in any conversation where you find your self either trying to provide a solution or judging
• Get curious about what part of the conversation you started to do that
• Become aware of where you were uncomfortable in the conversation

This is not easy, but it's a necessary step in self exploration. For one simple reason. When you are in your own discomfort or in solution mode, you're not really listening to the other. You are in your own head. That's what judgement mode looks like. Imagine it like the rookie level of listening.

Now, since we are talking about dealing with difficult people, I want you to go to the Jedi level of listening. In this level:

RULES

• You imagine every conversation you are having (especially with the difficult person) as if it were happening in a bubble and you are shining a spot light on the other person
• You are fully absorbed in them; what they're saying, however ludicrous, just stay with them. Start noticing the nuances, the untold story, their own self - sabotage.
• Mirror them. What I mean by this is really have an intention of connecting with their inner most fears, beliefs and agenda. Pay attention to the vibe. Is it contradictory to what they might be saying?

I once had a woman scream at me recently and blame me for some stuff which I knew I hadn't done. When I went into Jedi listening, I was shocked. I discovered how scared she was. The rookie listener in me would have just gotten pissed off and shouted back. I've done this multiple times in my life and still do. It never helps. You know that. I know that. But this level of listening was a game changer. How would you behave with a frightened 5 year old? That's the strategy I employed. I appealed to her sense of safety. I showed her I was on her side, which I was. Once she had calmed down, I helped her to see my point of view. It worked. She didn't exactly embrace me, but she calmed the hell down and perhaps I helped her to process her own fear.

Exercise 2:

Don't talk to their Saboteur (inner demon)

When you have difficult clients, friends, family members it can be tough to go forward with your goals. Why? Because this directly negates all the good vibes you've spent so much time cultivating, right? So, here's 3 strategies I want you to follow to protect your goals:

Strategy #1: Don't let their saboteur (negativity) engage with your saboteur (negativity)

You know yourself by now. You know what triggers you. You know your patterns. Just pay attention to that. If you find yourself in that dark space or getting there, your internal resources should be going "Mayday Mayday....abort this mission" Do what you have to step back, pause, walk away. Your objective is to protect your best self. Always. You can be nice about it. You can let the person know, if they're reasonable, that this is bugging you and you need to pause and return.

Strategy #2: Look for their best version.

You have a best version in the absence of your self - sabotage. They have a best version too. YES THEY DO. Don't fight me on this theory. I'll win. Accept that. Look for it. It's there. Talk to that version. What you will be cleverly doing it moving them out of their triggered zone into their happy place. It will work wonders. This is a very powerful negotiation tool. I hope you understand now why empathy is not for the weak hearted. It's the sumo champion of goal achievement.

Strategy #3. Always protect your bubble first.

Just like the airplane oxygen mask. If the other person is simply intent on being a grumpy cantankerous sabotaging gremlin, then the greatest gift you can give yourself is acceptance. There's nothing you can do there. But you can go in search of your own best self and draw your boundary. The people pleasers will really struggle with this. And as soon as you learn the lesson that the only acceptance you get to earn your own, your work here is done, my friend. You can still be with the other person in empathy because now you understand that is what's helping you understand the other's intent and motives AND you get to NOT be a pushover at the same time. Try it. When you have a no - nonsense policy to anyone walking over you, you find the courage to be with others in their weakness. This is a gutsy move. You won't regret it.

You are now literally equipped to handle anything thrown at you in your path towards your personal bliss! Connection is a verb. It's an active intention. And when you do the hard work, it gets to be a noun in your life.

References:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw - Brene Brown on Empathy

Positive Intelligence - Shirzad Chamine Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential

Co - Active Coaching 4th Edition - Henry Kimsey - House, Karen Kinsey - House, Phillip Sandahl, Laura Whitworth

Last, sorry in advance for the Star Wars references. What can I say? I'm just that person.