Empathy Isn't Always Easy - The Power of Tough Love in Leadership

Empathy often gets painted with a soft brush—a comforting hand on the shoulder, a listening ear, and an understanding nod. And while those things are important, I’ve learned that real empathy sometimes requires us to step beyond comfort. It asks us to challenge the people we lead. True empathy in leadership isn’t just about making someone feel better; it’s about helping them become better.

We’ve all been there. A teammate is struggling with a challenging situation. Our instinct could be to shield them from pain, to make everything okay. But here’s the thing: life isn’t always okay, and protecting someone from the hard stuff doesn’t serve them in the long run. Real empathy, the kind that makes a difference, sometimes means we have to push people out of their comfort zones. It’s about having those honest conversations, even when it’s tough.?

When I think about traditional empathy, I see it as a warm, supportive presence. It’s about understanding where someone is coming from and giving them the space to express their feelings. But what happens when empathy stops there in our businesses? It risks becoming enabling. It risks keeping people where they are, instead of pushing them to where they could be. This in turn risks stunting the growth and success of our organizations.?

Tough love is about recognizing someone’s potential and caring enough to challenge them. It’s about saying, “I believe in you enough to expect more.” It’s not about being harsh or unkind; it’s about knowing that growth often comes through discomfort. When you hold someone accountable, you’re not just pushing them—you’re believing in their ability to rise to the occasion. And part of that belief is encouraging them to find their own solutions. Sometimes, the most empathetic thing we can do is step back and let them navigate the challenge on their own, offering guiding questions rather than immediate solutions such as, “What are the possible options you see for moving forward?” or “What steps have you already taken to address this issue?”.

I’ve seen this play out time and again in leadership. Giving constructive feedback isn’t always easy, but it’s essential. It’s not about criticizing someone; it’s about guiding them toward improvement. Setting boundaries is another form of this tough love. It’s saying, “I value your well-being too much to let you burn out,” or “I believe in your potential, so I’m going to ask you to focus on what really matters.” It’s a delicate balance—showing understanding while still holding someone accountable. When someone falls short, it’s about making it clear that you believe in their ability to meet expectations and that you’re there to support their growth—not to excuse inaction.

The same is true in initiating changes for our teammates who are capable of more but lack the self-confidence to take the next step. Sometimes a promotion or a new challenge feels beyond someone’s own view of their capabilities. I consider it my job not only to see a person’s potential, but to push them forward faster than they would have themselves go. It’s saying “Hey- I see something in you. I see what you can do even when you don’t. And it’s going to get really uncomfortable for a little bit but we are going to create the runway for you to accelerate forward beyond what you thought you could do.” I have never regretted these moments, and I believe the people I’ve led would agree.??

I know that real growth—real transformation—comes when we’re willing to combine empathy with accountability.

So, when you find yourself in a situation where you have to choose between comfort and growth, remember that true empathy sometimes asks us to do the hard thing. It’s about more than just being there for someone—it’s about helping them get to where they need to be. And that, I believe, is the highest form of caring we can offer.