EMPATHY - THE INGREDIENT NEEDED NOW IN LEADERSHIP

EMPATHY - THE INGREDIENT NEEDED NOW IN LEADERSHIP

We live in times where we have morphed from human beings to digital beings. Our discussions at work, at home, and in our social environment have little human ingredient. The simple act of a humanized discussion has become a digital discussion. Our relationships are moving farther away from allowing us to think, feel, and act as a human race. I know my phone or iPad or Mac cannot give me a hug and a kiss when I feel like the whole world is coming down in shambles. Empathy is slowly slipping through the cracks of our daily hurrying and insatiable work habits. In most organizations the work settings today, the cycle of depersonalization is rampant. Why? Too often, people are related to their work roles rather than as human beings. No wonder corporations have talent acquisition departments that deal with human resources, not human beings. Yes, but true. Instead of quitting your job, tell your boss to show you some empathy, please. A boss with empathy is a leader. A boss without empathy is an empty vessel. Before you quit your job, fire your boss or partner, or bunk your kids, let us understand empathy and its impact on identifying us as unique individuals and a part of a deeper web of human relationships.

WHAT IS NOT EMPATHY?

According to Wikipedia, empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the ability to place oneself in another's position. That is a loaded definition, and I will tell you what empathy is NOT.

Do you often find yourself interrupting others to give them unsolicited advice, judging, probing to attain selfish gains, condemning, criticizing, or complaining incessantly about everything and everyone? Do the people around you feel that you genuinely don't understand them and are only interested in telling your own story? Do you see yourself as a boss or leader? Is the drama and people around you full of egoistical people that are never wrong? I stop there. All these examples show a lack of empathy.

?Empathy can be cultivated to bring us joy and peace at work, at home, and in our social environment. In her book, Time to Think, Nancy Kline showed that through one-to-one Thinking Sessions, participants felt empowered and heard. Being heard requires someone to listen with sincere empathy, curiosity, compassion, and a non-judgmental attitude. People feel valued when there is an openness to know, understand, and feel their underlying story.

THREE WAYS TO CULTIVATE EMPATHY AT WORK, AT HOME, AND IN OUR SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT

?SMILE. You don't have a mask on; showcase a new you with a gentle smile. Each time you touch your phone, just smile and put it down. Laugh if you can too, and smile when you look at your watch. The first garment you should put on in the morning is a smile, and continue to share that smile with your entire household before you leave the door. When you get to the train station, don't rush out of your car without smiling again. Hurrying creates mental dissipation, and you forget to smile. Inside the train, say good morning and smile at a stranger. Before entering the office, smile and be grateful for your job (not your boss). I am personally a smiling machine, and I lubricate it well. The first thing I say to myself after getting out of bed is; “Good Morning, BEAUTIFUL!”. After I have brushed my teeth and showered, I look in the bathroom mirror, smile and say with unparalleled confidence, “More than 10,000 trillion dollar smile!” I stay positive about life, exercise, sleep well, meditate, and do a daily mental house cleaning. You are what you think all day long, so strive to entertain excellent and creative thoughts. And when a negative thought creeps in, smile and tell it 'goodbye thought, not now.'

SEEK TO UNDERSTAND. Our biggest challenge coming out of the pandemic is not wearing masks or being 6 feet apart but not listening deeply or actively to the other person. We are busy waiting for the other person to finish talking to tell them what we think. More than two years of talking to pets and other inanimate objects took a toll on us! Goodness. Furthermore, leaders in small and big corporations are unaware of their judgment of others. It requires the skill to listen until you understand how your employees, spouse, children, or colleagues think, feel, and act. It is crucial that you sincerely express how you feel and simultaneously show that you understand how the other person feels. Daniel Goleman calls that emotional intelligence. Your ability to manage your emotions and the other person's emotions. In his book, the 7 habits of highly effective people, Steve Covey suggested that the habit of seeking first to understand, then to be understood cultivates empathy, respect, courage, and mutual understanding. Seeking to understand means we completely understand the other person before presenting our point of view. For those with furry friends, be grateful that you have a companion. I am thankful that our family dog, Marcus Aurelius, will not try to marry me or sell me real estate. He listens, observes, and follows me patiently and faithfully. When it is time to go for his daily 5K walk/run, he makes it clear that it is his time, not mine. I get up and perform his will. No talking, just action.

SELF-AWARENESS. Self-awareness cultivates self-mastery or vice versa. From Marcus Aurelius to Lao Tzu, many historical sages have advocated the need to know thyself and the world. Lao Tzu posited that self-mastery begins from nothing until nothing is left undone. True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way, and it cannot be acquired by interfering. When we are self-aware, we build empathy in ourselves and those we come into contact with. Self-awareness starts with asking yourself why you should care and not how or what to care about. Self-aware leaders are motivated and have the courage to base their decisions and actions in the outer world on values and principles that are the products of their inner worlds – the domains of consciousness, conscience, and the soul or spirit (Gathoni, 2021). In the book SQ21, Cindy Wigglesworth notes that as human beings, we tend to be driven by our short-sided ego instead of the big-hearted forward-thinking Higher Self. Therefore, profoundly knowing yourself is the foundation that helps you contain the short-sided ego and become the wise, empathic, compassionate, blissful, joyful, and peaceful person you have the capacity to become. Self-awareness uses pro-active language like: "I can," "I'm sorry," "I choose to.", and "I will get this done." (Reactive language is "I can't," "It's not my fault," "I have to," and "We have no other choice"). Pro-active language is a hallmark for cultivating empathy and is also empowering. Try it out.

TRY OUT THESE EMPATHIC ACTIONS:

1. Practice empathic listening with a trusted colleague or partner, your child, or whomever you have not been listening to (that could be your boss too). After the 1-to-1 session, ask that person to give you feedforward if they felt understood.
2. Create an opportunity to listen empathically by identifying a relationship where the other person doesn't feel you understand them. Being understood is the best psychological gift you can give when you listen empathically.
3. Use pro-active language in your daily affairs. You can choose to tame the short-sighted ego when it kicks in.
4. SMILE. JUST SMILE. There are more than one million people that did not wake up this morning. As Dale Carnegie said, removing the sour scowl on your face will bring you more happiness and joy! Make the universe around you bright by smiling!

If your corporation is looking for empathic leadership training and individual coaching sessions, please email me at: [email protected]

References

Aurelius, M. (2013).?Marcus Aurelius: Meditations, Books 1-6. Oxford University Press

Carnegie, D. (1936). How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Simon & Schuster.

Covey, S. R., & Covey, S. (2020).?The 7 habits of highly effective people. Simon & Schuster.

Gathoni, P. (2021).?The Impact of Adopting Spiritual and Knowledge Leadership on Informed Fact-Based Decision-Making for Leaders in Data Science Organizations: A Systematic Review?(Doctoral dissertation, University of Maryland Global Campus).

Goleman, D. (1996).?Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Bloomsbury Publishing.

Kline, N. (1999).?Time to think: Listening to ignite the human mind. Hachette UK.

Lao Tzu, L. E. (1997).?Tao te ching?(pp. vii-xix). Wordsworth.

Wigglesworth, C. (2014).?SQ21: The twenty-one skills of spiritual intelligence. SelectBooks, Inc.

About the Author

Dr. Priscilla Gathoni?is an author, coach, mentor, skilled facilitator, inspirational, and motivational speaker. As an author, her papers have been featured in the PharmaSUG, SESUG, and CDISC global conferences.?Priscilla holds a Doctor of Management/Business Administration degree from the University of Maryland, Global Campus (UMGC). Her research interests include evidence-based decision-making, organizational culture, spiritual leadership, and knowledge leadership.

?Priscilla Gathoni.?This article is available under the ORCID?https://orcid.org/0000-0002-4410-5205. This ORCID permits non-commercial use, distribution, and reproduction in any medium, provided the original work is properly cited.?