Empathy: from ‘Me versus You’ to ‘Win-Win’

6th article in a six part series as I explore how DEIB* must now evolve

All primates understand the offer of ‘you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours’. Even though humans will interpret the sentiment behind that offer, the instinct to recognise ‘how it feels over there’ still resonates.

Experts agree that it is the capacity to put the common good above personal gain that allows us to progress as a species. However, people still feel conflicted while making that choice. In fact, the history of our world can be summarised as the consequences of our fluctuating trust and mistrust in each other.

The Triggers of 'Me versus You'

Neuroscience explains how this core life challenge is wired into our brain’s functionality. When we sense danger, we are triggered to move into defensive mode. Importantly, this is the same reaction for any form of real or perceived threat: physical, cognitive or emotive.

The brain does not differentiate between the threat of a blow to the head, racist language about someone’s capabilities or verbal abuse towards their identities. This means fear of a person’s colour or identity can be as visceral as seeing a poisonous spider or snake up close.

This reaction happens outside our conscious control since survival from attack must be instant. The hormone cortisol provides the trigger and reduces our options to three instinctive responses: fight, flight or freeze. It’s now a ‘me versus you’ moment of survival. Something experienced by all primates in the wild which humans have inherited at the deepest level of our being.

The glory of humanity is our capacity to recover from that and move into an opposite state of being. This time triggered by oxytocin: a feel-good hormone that elevates our ability to communicate, collaborate and trust. The brain network that oxytocin activates is evolutionarily old. This means that the trust and sociality it enables are embedded in our nature.

These extremes within our ‘state of being’ are vulnerable to manipulation. My exploration of social media algorithms show their potential threat. Able to ignite and organise social unrest as witnessed this summer in the UK.

Extremist ideologies offer purpose, belonging and an outlet to the anger and hatred felt by those whose lives feel so painful and stuck that they choose to blame others. Many live in an ongoing state of cortisol induced anxiety. A mindset that can easily escalate into confrontation provoked by the extremist echo chambers curated on social platforms. ?

What are the consequences for us as organisations?

The growth of extremist ideologies means colleagues are potentially more frequently vulnerable to their influence. This needs to be countered with more proactive education on the psychological drivers I’ve just mentioned and the negative impacts of social media explored in another article in this series.? ??

Secondly, we need to be honest that moving between these states of being is a daily work challenge for any of us. Work pressures can easily trigger us into defensive behaviours affecting the quality of other colleagues’ lived experience.

The Bridge to a ‘Win-Win’ Mindset

So how do we consciously switch our state of being? Move from ‘me versus you’ to ‘win-win’?

The word I’m going to use to summarise the required mindset and behavioural skills is empathy. This is the ability to ‘Imagine another person’s reality and being moved to respond to their needs’. Or if you prefer the way I initially described it ‘how it feels over there’

As the sadly missed leadership expert Stephen Covey once put it, "When you show deep empathy toward others, their defence energy goes down and positive energy replaces it. That's when you can get more creative in solving problems.

In other words, empathy eases the transition from the cortisol to oxytocin state of mind and being. It’s a habit you can cultivate. And is one of the most powerful in terms of transformatory impact by opening a bridge of understanding between people.

Empathy experts have noticed that as someone switches their own perspective for another person’s, they are triggered by compassion to act and help. Yet another example of how we have inherited an instinct for the common good above personal gain.

Unfortunately, not everyone has the imagination to find common ground. Instead, they prefer to see the differences between them and others through a xenophobic and racist lens.

Someone who witnessed the extremes of where this leads to was Captain Gustave M. Gilbert, the US army psychologist assigned to observe and interview high ranking Nazi prisoners in preparation for the Nuremberg trials. In his book ‘Nuremberg Diary’ which tells the story of these encounters he had this to say of what he learnt:

“I told you once that I was searching for the nature of evil. I think I’ve come close to defining it: a lack of empathy. It’s the one characteristic that connects all the defendants. A genuine incapacity to feel with their fellow man. Evil, I think, is the absence of empathy.”

Investing In Empathy

Building nations, communities and organisations as opportunities and rewards for everyone is the very opposite of that. It is at the heart of building strong defences against the ongoing dangers of extremism.

Empathy connects us and evokes the best within us. It helps bridge understanding and encourage safe spaces for others to become the ‘best versions of themselves’. And for organisations to benefit from this energy in terms of growth and innovation by unlocking and enabling the creative drive in its workforce.

I recognise that being empathic on demand is tough in high pressure work environments. It needs lots of practice to become a well-honed habit. I see it as a state of health that can be learnt, measured and improved.

That’s why I co-created Empathy Check-Ups as a catalyst to growing inclusive cultures: from executives to front line teams. It’s a simple, practical way for people to self-assess then use the upskilling exercises to practice new empathy habits in everyday work situations. I’d be delighted to share how I been recently deploying them if you are interested. Please message me on LinkedIn or get in touch.

Moving Forward

Despite the damage done by social unrest and ongoing threat posed by extremism I choose to be optimistic. I’m excited about what we can achieve in the next wave of activity we undertake as organisations: to extend the experience of trust, inclusion, participation, and equity to many more in our organisations and communities.

Why?

These recent events have reminded us about the consequences of our fluctuating trust and mistrust in each other. It will always be an ongoing journey that at certain key moments require us to re-affirm what we know works. This recommitment will breathe new energy and focus into our plans.?

Recent events also remind us that we must build accountability into what we are doing so that progress is clear, the benefits are seen and everyone remains connected to the important of the mission.

My accountability checklist includes aligning-engaging-listening-adapting-tracking-celebrating. Have I missed anything?

Thank You

And that’s it.

I’ve now finished what I set out to do in terms of my own personal response to the initial shock of the unrest we all witnessed. I’ve explored its impact, and how we respond.

I hope you have enjoyed reading this series. Thank you for your time and attention. And of course, I’m ready to engage whenever you are. Let’s talk.

*Diversity-Inclusion-Equity-Belonging

Series Links

How we respond as organisations to social unrest

Taking care of those impacted by prejudice and violence

How social media challenges our unity

Building colleague resilience with digital skills and mindsets

Investing in community unity

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