Empathic responding

a)??? Attentive listening

“We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet [active] listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.”? Carl Rogers?

?Have you ever seen yourself:

• Looking at your watch or checking your phone when someone is talking to you.
• Quickly understanding what they are trying to say, and helping them out by finishing their sentence.
• Figuring out the solution to their problem as they are describing it, and interrupting them to share your valuable insights
• Immediately remembering a similar thing that happened to you (which was maybe even worse) and sharing your story, and how you managed to survive the situation??

If we are honest, we would have to admit that we have all been guilty of each of these impediments to meaningful listening! ?But to really listen we need to be listening in order to understand the other person: what message are they trying to convey, are certain themes emerging??

The verbal level

Every client comes with their own story. They need to feel that they have been truly listened to. It is important that we honour the story with our full attention, and allow them the time to tell it in the way they want to. It is a mistake to try and move on to your friendship bench intervention before they have had all the time, they need to talk about themselves and what has brought them to the Bench. Their needs and pain will often be buried inside the story that they tell you. If they haven’t been listened to and taken seriously, you will not be able to form the relationship which is the most powerful vehicle for change.?

The Non-verbal level

Look for changes in tone of voice, fidgeting and other signals that tell you they are in pain, or perhaps trying to avoid pain. These messages are often even more significant that the words they are saying. It can be helpful to say ‘I noticed that when you mentioned xxxxx, you seemed to find that very difficult. Can you help me understand that better? ‘You will sometimes find that the real problem is hiding in the non-verbal cues that slip out unintentionally.

?Sometimes the verbal and nonverbal levels will tell two contradictory stories. In that case, the nonverbal message is likely to be the more accurate, because it is unconscious. If this happens, you could say something like ‘I know you said xxxx, but I noticed that you started to look really uncomfortable/your eyes filled with tears/ you stopped looking at me……. I’m wondering why that happened…………’?

b)??? Empathic responding

How do you demonstrate to your client that you are attending carefully to them? There are a variety of ways to respond to clients in a way that tells them we have been listening carefully. Here are a few of the skills which will make you a more effective communicator:

1.Reflect thoughts, feelings or needs of the client:

So, you’re thinking that right now there is nobody on your side….?

I can just imagine how frustrated you feel right now…………………

It fells to me like right now you need someone to acknowledge that you did your best in a tough situation…………………….

2. Paraphrase or summarise what they have just said, but do not repeat the exact words of the client:

I get the impression that all this deception has left you very confused about your partner………………

So, on the one hand he says he loves you, but then his behaviour gives you a different message………?

3. Affirm or validate them:

This must be incredibly difficult for you! It’s a real tribute to your strength and resilience that you have managed so far………………………………….

Your parents would be so proud if they could see how far you’ve come, despite everything…………………

4.Check your perceptions or ask for clarification:

So let me just check I’m understanding you correctly. You want to start this course, but your teachers seem to think you won’t be able to complete it………………………...?

Your mother wants to come and stay with you, but you are concerned about her attitude to your new husband??

Non-verbal level

Nodding, facial expressions, smiling, mirroring, or affirming with ‘mmmmm’, or ‘uh huh’……. all the things that happen in a normal conversation between two people who understand each other, also help to convey attentiveness to your client.

Just as the client’s nonverbal cues are significant, yours are equally important in conveying empathy, and inviting the client to keep talking to you.?

c)???? Asking Questions

At the beginning of your counselling relationship, you will have to ask quite a few questions in order to gather the information required, assess risk, and get the conversation going, particularly if the person lacks confidence talking to you.? The person asking questions is usually in a position of power, so as the process evolves, try and elicit information through effective attending instead other times you may need to use them to get more detail about the challenges being addressed. Avoid:

Why? questions…. they can feel aggressive or belittling. Rather use how, what, when, who, which, where if you need to ask.

Closed questions: any question that leads to a simple yes, no, I don’t know, or another single word response is not very useful in counselling, and tends to interrupt the flow of the conversation. Instead, here are examples of attentive statements that encourage the client to elaborate:

‘It sounds as if . . .’

‘I get the feeling that . . .’

‘I wonder if . . .?’

?‘Correct me if I’m wrong, but is it . . .?’

?‘Perhaps you’re feeling . . .?’

‘I’m not certain I understand;’ Do you mean . . .?’

‘I get the impression that . . .’