The Empath to success?

I have been doing a lot of driving recently, which has allowed me to spend a bit of time catching up with podcasts. My current favourite is the High-Performance podcast, with Jake Humphrey and Professor Damian Hughes. They have an abundance of really great rules and mantras that have been developed over years of interviewing the world's highest performers from all sorts of backgrounds.?

One that resonates with me is ‘empathy over opinion’, and I felt like it was worthy of further exploration. What is empathy? Why should we work on our own empathy?

I agree with the podcast hosts, people are generally very quick to have an opinion on everything. The issue I see with this is that it tends to influence how we behave towards others, which is often not particularly empathic.?

This behaviour has a butterfly effect that is almost invisible to the naked eye throughout our lives. Every day. Given how poorly informed we generally are initially, how valid can our opinions be? I think social media has a role to play here. How many times have you read a ‘spirited social media exchange’ where someone says ‘just my opinion’ or ‘I'm entitled to my opinion’? Or the more provocative approach of ‘convince me otherwise’.?

Firstly, yes people are entitled to their opinion. Absolutely. We need to put some thought into what an opinion actually is. In essence, an opinion is a form of judgement. Depending on how quickly you have formulated this opinion, you could even call it an assumption.?

The type of conclusion you come to is going to depend on your own unique upbringing and experiences in life. And as always, these things exist on a spectrum. Some people are always quick to form an opinion/judgement, others struggle to have an opinion about anything.?

Remember that this serves a purpose of sorts. Leading thought on decision-making tells us that there are two predominant ways that we make decisions (forming opinions follows a similar process)- thinking fast (system 1) and thinking slow (system 2).?

System 1 thinking is quick and snappy, based on limited information. System 2 thinking is slow and ponderous. In reality, we need a good balance of both, depending on the situation we are in. Too much system 1 and you risk cutting too many corners and missing out on key pieces of information. Too much system 2 and you may miss opportunities. System 2 thinking also uses up a lot of energy that could be used in other areas of your life.?

Some agility is needed to find the right balance.?

We also need to consider something that I refer to as the ‘fact vs opinion paradox’. I am referring back to those social media exchanges again. You will commonly see what appears to be an expression of an opinion, followed by the word ‘fact’. This makes no logical sense to me at all. A fact is something that has some evidence or proof to back it up. An opinion, as we have already discussed, is the opposite.?

This brings me back to ‘empathy over opinion’. How could this approach help us and potentially make life much better? Consider for one moment how much nicer interactions would be if it felt like the people around us had even a grain of understanding about what might be going on for us in our lives. When you delve into it, we are all unique in our past experiences and how our minds think and process.?

What if more people took a moment before forming that opinion, to apply just a little bit of thought about these circumstances instead of judging?

The ability to sense how other people are feeling, or even to take account of it, is a very valuable skill. Imagine being able to tap into this skill in your home and professional life, to be able to tailor your interactions with other people based on how they are in that moment. The people in your circle doing the same with you. Many of us crave feeling understood, and this will potentially get us all moving in a much better direction.?

Some people are more naturally empathic than others. This comes down to our wiring and our experiences, some people just find it easier to ‘read’ other people. If you are not naturally empathic you have to put a little bit more effort into gaining that understanding of how others are thinking and feeling.?

People who consider themselves to be highly empathic can occasionally have some issues with their ‘radar’ being a bit off-target, and this can also create some issues in your life. I have always considered myself to be an empathic person, even to the extent that I thought I could ‘feel’ what other people were feeling. I did occasionally fall foul of making assumptions about how others were feeling, and why. I have also coached several highly empathic people who have suffered from the same tendency.?

Empathy as a tool is potentially very powerful. Whether it is tapping into what is going on for work colleagues, or loved ones. Just imagine how much smoother day-to-day life would be if we all invested a little bit more effort into trying to understand each other, instead of forming a potentially misinformed opinion.

How to be more empathic?

Consider your understanding of empathy

Do you know what empathy really is? Take care to avoid sympathy instead. This is an almost automatic feeling of pitying the other person who is usually experiencing some kind of difficult situation. Empathy is feeling ‘with’ the other person, being able to imagine what they are feeling and thinking. It is taking what is going on for them exactly as written.?

Benchmark your skills

How empathic are you currently? This is a potentially tricky thing to measure in isolation. Consider how accurate your judgement has been in the past when communicating with those around you. Do you often misjudge communication with others and don't understand why? It may be that your radar is a little off the mark. Or do you go the other way, assuming you can ‘feel’ what they are feeling? Remember that this is exactly what we are trying to avoid. Ask those who know you best, the people that you spend the most time with, and how you rate on the empathy spectrum.?

Observe and be curious

Once you know where you are you can make a plan to leverage the skills better. No matter where your skills are currently, you can benefit from paying attention and being genuinely curious. Although an empathic person, I know that I sometimes miss the more subtle emotional cues to inform me. I have learned that it is much better to ask, rather than assume. Assumptions can take you down an incorrect, negative path. Observing allows you to gauge what is going on, and being curious allows you to adjust your radar. Over time this will make you more accurate.?

Respond better

When you are engaging someone in a conversation about what is going on for them, avoid responses such as dismissing how they are feeling, or changing the subject. This is well-intentioned, but remember we are seeking to understand. Avoid dishing out advice or steering the conversation, instead ask clarifying questions and help them to explore what is going on for them and how to move forward on their terms.?

Be kind

Start now. Cultivate a habit of pondering what might be going on for the other person, and make an effort to try and understand, before forming a judgment. This will become much easier the more you do it.?

Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think in the comments.