Empath Life - The Cycle of Depletion and How to Break Through It

All empaths know they have a special ability to tune in with others to meet what they think are their needs, and to anticipate, intervene… subtly behind the scenes or full force ahead when we think the situation calls for it.

It took years before I realized that the continuous overwhelm I was experiencing ,was because I was actually stuck in a repeating pattern that lead to emptying my own resources again and again. Once I realized what was going on, and seeing so many other empaths experiencing similar realities, I started mapping everything I noticed we were doing or that was happening that lead to that sense of overwhelm and depleting of our resources. It was interesting to realize how much it all had to do with constantly anticipating the needs of other people, trying to help people who were not doing so well, ‘reading the room’ and naturally connecting with those that were not feeling too good or had something on their mind. Like an invisible radar that knew immediately where we could help, support, connect.

Once I started mapping all these different ‘helping modalities’ (you can read more about the 8 roles we play 8 here) we seem to get into, it didn’t take long to realize it is exactly those subconscious patterns and roles we have adopted that were at the root of constant depletion, dissatisfaction, tiredness, frustration and self doubt... to name a few things.

What we often don’t realize, is that those empathic abilities are not just simply there, but that they are usually rooted in a childhood that was to a more or lesser extent marked by, for example, an unstable situation between parents, or unpredictable behavior of a parent. Because of that situation, we learned at a very young age to pick up all the visible and invisible signs to recognize a ‘negative’ situation that could potentially lead to worse, and developed the skills to mitigate the consequences: help, fix, solve, support, reach out, connect, listen, ‘be there’, etc.

Unfortunately, when we grow up, adulthood is not about mitigating the potential escalations or unpredictability of our parents, yet those patterns that we have developed throughout our childhood often do stay with us. ?They can become part of our sub-conscious way of anticipating and interacting with the world around us, and help us know where we need to stand on a subject or in a situation, once we know where everyone else stands. When we ‘read the room’ what really happens is that our subconscious tells us where the potential ‘problem’ or ‘danger’ is, the person who is not feeling good, the person who is upset, the person who carries negative energy with them, a potential problem between people, etc. And then we reach out, connect and do what we do best: empathize, sympathize, or even pity, and from there, decide to help[, fix, advice... Why? So we can mitigate the potential escalation or the feeling of discomfort, and mark the situation as safe, saved, solved, addressed, or whatever words we give to what we do.

Exploring all these different roles empaths play towards others that lead to overwhelm and draining of our resources, led me to develop the Cycle of Depletion: a cycle many empaths keep repeating over and over again, often without really fully realizing that that is what is going on:

1.????Caretaking

We give and we give, we pick up way too much from everyone else - often including other people’s drama - we anticipate, reach out, connect, fix, help, support, etc., until we eventually become so empty and drained over time, that there is very little left to give.

2. Depletion

When we reach that state of depletion, it usually leads to feelings that are rooted in both victimhood and anger. Victimhood has to do everything with the feeling that whatever we do, we lose anyway. You can recognize this by thoughts like: Who will ever take care of me while I take care of everyone else? Why do I even try? What’s the point of being there for others if it doesn’t lead to anything changing anyway?

Usually when we do go down that path we start doubting ourselves, worrying whether we’re good enough to be doing what we’re doing, wondering if anyone is ever going to be there to meet our needs, etc. It can be a slippery slope of self doubt and overwhelm.

But us empaths, we don’t usually stay in that place very long. Why? Because once the first stress of our depletion has disappeared, we start reloading our batteries, we do some things to take care of ourselves and while we do so, we rationalize the shit out of everything:

It will be fine, don’t worry so much about it.

I can handle it, I just need to reload my batteries, take some time to myself.

There are people so much worse off than I am, why am I complaining?

They didn’t mean it that way, they’re just really stressed right now.

I understand it is not easy for them, they’re having such a hard time right now…

I’ll find a solution, it’s ok…

The list goes on…

In short, what we do is, we rationalize, explain away, forgive, manage, accept, understand and find ways to cope with all the things that have depleted us. And once we are done rationalizing, understanding and coping… what do we do?

3. We go back to start

You know, like a Monopoly game: we start the whole Cycle of Depletion from the beginning.

Breaking the Cycle of Depletion

Learning to break the Cycle of Depletion starts with exploring the roles we play in the lives of others; our partners, children, co-workers, parents, siblings, friends, etc. Who are we being in those relationships? What roles do we take on towards them, and why? What roles do the others ‘play’ in the relationship? To what extent are our relationships reciprocal, to what extent is there place in those relations for who we are, what we feel, think and experience? What do we value about this relationship or friendship? Why is it important to us? Asking yourself these questions is often the first step to starting to understand what is at the root of de Cycle of Depletion.

The next set of questions you can ask yourself focus on why you take that role with each person in your life; taking into consideration what we mentioned earlier about old patterns we developed: what are you worried about that will happen if you don’t take that role? What do you think will happen if you wouldn’t be there to anticipate the situation? What would a relation look like when there is full space for you to be who you are? What would be different for you if you wouldn’t ask yourself whether people would get upset with you, won’t like you, think you are not a nice person, etc.? What expectations do you think are there for you in this relation? Are these expectations realistic? What does your intuition tell you about it?

Almost everything we do is based on what we have learned in the past; behavioral patterns, feelings that get ignited or thoughts we create about a situation. But we are not our past: we can break through dysfunctional role plays and replace them with new and fulfilling ones, one step at a time. The above questions can help you gain insights in the roles you play, to start making those first steps to break through the Cycle of Depletion, and start living a life that is more true to your real self, your energy, your boundaries, who you want to be in this life and what you want to create in it.

Join Empaths Connect

On March 7, 6 PM CET, we are hosting the first ‘Empaths Connect’ of 2022: a free 1-hour session during which Empaths come together to connect, sahre and learn. The focus of this particular session will be to better understand your own Cycle of Depletion and find short and long term strategies to break through it. You are more than welcome to join us.

You can sign up here: https://www.dhirubhai.net/events/empathsconnect6901075859294208000/about/

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