Emotions @ Work: Weapon or Tool?

"It’s a cruel world.” “Why must this happen?” "I have been a good person, why me?" “They say he’s in a better place now, but why does he have to leave?"

These were the words I uttered to myself when my beloved 7-1/2-year-old Jelly Bean passed away within 48 hours of being diagnosed with stomach cancer. When I took him to the veterinary that morning, I did not know that he would not be coming back. I was overwhelmed with emotion as I walked into my office, and I wanted to destroy everything around me.

As a leader, we are expected to not show our vulnerability. When one’s heart is broken, nothing seems to matter. When emotion hits, everyone is equal.

I asked ‘why’, but the only answers came in the form of confusion and anger and even hatred. Suddenly, life did not make sense. As leader, we work hard to maintain control and make sense of the confusion.

Employees never deserve to bear the brunt of an angry boss on the rampage.

Emotions are like a hammer. In the hands of a psychopath, it’s a deadly weapon. In the hands of a skilled craftsman, it’s a tool to connect, or to re-build what’s been broken.

The traditional office, with its incessant gossiping and politicking, has always been an emotional place. But with the advent of social media, and its penchant for amplifying everything, it has become too easy to push people’s buttons nowadays.

Enter “empathy”. “Empathic leadership”, or the ability of a leader to navigate the complex emotional landscape of relationships to understand, connect with and be sensitive to customers, colleagues and communities, is being touted as a key predictor of success in this era. Empathy goes hand in hand with emotional intelligence.

Psychologists differentiate at least two kinds of empathy: cognitive and affective. Cognitive empathy simply means a person can understand and even predict how people will feel in a certain situation. Affective empathy means a person can actually feel and internalize what the other person is going through.

It was found in a recent study that a high level cognitive empathy, coupled with psychopathy, or not caring at all what others feel, is what enables “trolls” to wreak havoc on social media. Because they are so good at predicting what will upset someone, they know exactly which buttons to push.

There are also “trolls” in the office, and your boss might be one of them.

That’s not surprising. People with a high level cognitive empathy are often very charming -- they do very well during job interviews, tend to be popular, and are capable of moving up the ranks rather quickly. That is, until something triggers their inner psycho and they start infecting the office with their vitriol and negativity. As a recruiter, I’ve seen this happen many times.

So how do you deal with a boss who’s a narcissistic “asshole” (excuse my French)? What do you do with trolls in the workplace?

For one, just go by the old sage advice: Don’t feed the trolls. Trolls are motivated when they see the fruits of their labor: chaos, mayhem, the whole gamut of negative emotions. Ignore the drama, if possible, and focus on keeping it professional. Otherwise, don’t hesitate to leave. It will never be worth it.

If you do have the patience to stay on, however, one way to cope with the situation and help make the office a happier place for everyone (yes, including the trolls) is to exercise more affective empathy and a sense of gratitude.

I read an article by Benjamin Hardy recently, and he suggested that the secret to happiness is simply to be more grateful. To do this, ask yourself these three questions every day:

• “What have I received from __?”
• “What have I given to __?”
• “What troubles and difficulty have I caused ___?”

These questions will allow you to look at the people around you or events in your life from a different perspective and more empathically, allowing you to not take them for granted and realize how grateful you are. That sounds to me like a great way of managing emotions, and turning an otherwise negative emotion into a tool to do something positive.

Tasha Eurich, author of the book Insight, which is about the science of self-awareness, also suggested an effective way to move forward when you find yourself stuck in an emotional rut: ask more What questions rather than Why. That seemed counterintuitive to me at first, as I’ve always been a Why person, but it made sense.

For example, if you’re unhappy with work, asking Why questions can easily make you feel like a victim, whereas What questions turn you into a problem solver. So, instead of fixating on Why you’re unhappy, ask yourself What you need to do to turn the situation around.

According to Eurich: “Why questions draw us to our limitations; what questions help us see our potential. Why questions stir up negative emotions; what questions keep us curious. Why questions trap us in our past; what questions help us create a better future.”

Of course, I recognize that many of the ideas above will not sit well with the traditional, male-centric leadership perspective that still dominate many corporations today.

In a recent speech at a women’s forum in China, the inimitable Jack Ma of Alibaba made a bold prediction. He said: “Values like consideration and compassion for others will become the mainstream way of thinking in the next 30 years. There will be more and more women among the world’s top entrepreneurs and political leaders.”

Consideration and compassion – I know for a fact that these rather feminine traits can stir up very positive, feel-good emotions in the workplace. Many companies today, some of them my own clients, are already allowing their employees to bring pets or their babies to work, not just as a practical form of consideration to working mothers, but as therapy, as dogs are known for their healing properties.

Research suggests that more companies and employees should take advantage of “Bring Your Dog to Work Day” for the following reasons:

• Dogs stimulate social interaction and encourage people to talk face-to-face, rather than just via email or text;
• Dogs are natural stress busters: petting a dog is known to lower blood pressure;
• Dogs encourage people to take breaks and get out of their office chairs, which is good for health and helps recharge people’s brains;
• Dogs inspire creativity and create happier workplaces that help in retaining employees.

I am a dog lover, so please allow me to be biased. I still ask the question, “Why did Jelly Bean have to leave”, knowing I will never find the answer. All I know is, if things do happen for a reason, that reason is all up to you. Dogs teach us to be considerate and compassionate; since losing Jelly Bean, everyday I ask myself what I can do to live out these values.

They say “time heals." In my experience, it does not. The pain does not go away. However, time allows us to create more happy memories to warm our hearts. Emotions make us real and equal. It is a tool for us to be who we are and to be strong, knowing we have nothing to hide. Leaders are at their best when they are real and human. 

Lots of Love,

Louisa

https://www.dhirubhai.net/today/author/0_2B34R8CEDyAXtBqWALFiUe?trk=prof-sm 

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