Emotionally Unavailable Parents

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I think every parent alive wants to view themselves as a good parent. It's just something that's, in my view, universal.

If a room was filled with one hundred parents, and they were asked: "raise your hand if you believe you're a bad parent." I would be surprised if anyone in the room would elect to identify themselves in that way.

But unfortunately, not everyone is a good parent, and when working with parents one of the main difficulties is that parents often have limited insight concerning their shortcomings as a parent.

Whilst no parenting is perfect, when assessing a parent's parental capacity it's necessary to have a clear idea about what represents 'good enough' parenting.

In my experience, it is comparatively easy to identify when a child's physical needs and care are, or have not been adequately cared for, since physical needs are for the most part visible or detectable.

Whether a child's emotional needs though, are being met is much harder to immediately identify.

One of the ways a child may show that a parent is neglecting their emotional needs, is when a child consistently blames themselves, for problems that are not only, not of their making, but are essentially problems which are adult in nature.

Children frequently blame themselves, and think they are to blame, when parents separate, fight or argue.

Parents who are well attuned to their children's needs and feelings and are able to keep their child's wellbeing uppermost in their thoughts, are vigilant and able to act decisively to address a child's anxieties and worries. They not only recognise their child's emotional needs, but have the capacity to consistently meet them, so that the child feels 'emotionally held.'

Emotionally immature parents however, are so self absorbed with their own needs and desires, that they do not consistently have the capacity to pay attention to their child's.

This results in children experiencing rejection, loneliness and an underlying sense that they are not worthy of their parent's time, love and attention.

Children of self absorbed parents tend to spend much of their time wishing and hoping to be recognised, valued, appreciated and loved. Being willing to do anything they can to receive the attention, stimulation and affection that they desperately hunger for.

Unfortunately, emotionally immature parents barely recognise their children as having emotional needs, and consequently create relationships with their children, which are experienced by their children, as being devoid of meaning, emotional closeness or depth.

Parents who are emotionally distant and or self absorbed demonstrate very poor insight, to the extent that they can often fail to distinguish between their needs and the needs of their child. Being oblivious to a child's needs inevitably results in children suffering a great deal of harm at the hands of parents, who have no ability to empathise.

Such parents deprive their children of the solid emotional foundation a child needs to grow up emotionally secure and independent. All children need to feel unconditionally loved from parents and caregivers who are consistently available to them; knowing that they are significant in the lives of their parent/s.

In the absence of this solid emotional foundation, children are left with a host of anxieties and uncertainties. They are bereft of the confidence, resilience, stability and security they require to develop towards healthy adult life.

https://open.spotify.com/show/5w3CWjV1CcwdsA7tTiAPV0?si=43d84dcf6c8049ed