Emotionally Driven in 2020

I’m intellectually driven strictly when it comes to math and math-related problems. 

I’m emotionally driven in just about everything else. 

In high school, a lot of that emotion was bottled up the wrong way as stress, exasperation and even resentment. When I left for college, I made it a priority to take a ‘half-glass-full’ approach, hoping to alleviate unwarranted stress. 

It definitely wasn’t smooth sailing all the time in Berkeley, but significant progress was made. With the help of those around me, my emotions transitioned into zeal, confidence and sometimes too much positivity. Even though my emotions and outlook were in a far better place throughout college, I still had to work on being more grounded. 

I’ve never been one to completely fulfill my new year’s resolutions, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t make them — at least just for the fun of it. Around this time last year, I established a specific resolution for 2020: be less emotional and more even-keeled. 

Given everything that’s transpired over the past 12 months, I probably picked the wrong year for this particular resolution. 

When I came home in mid-March to shelter-in-place safely, I hoped it would only be for a few months. Aside from a couple of trips to clear out my apartment and wave at family, I haven’t left since. In late April, one of my close friends texted me this during a brief conversation: 

“Hope you’re doing well man. Shit’s gotta be tough for an emotional mf like you.” 

Admittedly, I was showing a lot of emotion at the sight of friends and extended family who were traveling or not taking COVID-19 as seriously as I was. I was jealous of those who took their graduate photos on campus. I didn’t talk to most folks outside my inner circle after getting furloughed from my job during the same week I graduated on Minecraft. While 2020 was intended to be the year when I did the exact opposite, I could feel myself wanting to revert back to the old me. 

As best as I could, I held onto the resolution I set for myself at the beginning of the year: be even-keeled. While I didn’t have the senior year I envisioned, the job position I landed or even a full bedroom back home, I’ve had more than enough things that a lot of people don’t have. Although it shouldn’t have taken this long for me to realize it, this year really opened my eyes to that reality. 

I never had to worry about leaving my family to fight COVID-19 as a first responder. I never had to fret about not making enough money to survive the rest of the month. 

And I’ve never, not this year or in previous ones, had to fear that my life was in danger because of my skin color. 

Compared to so, SO many people out there, an “emotional mf” like me has nothing to complain about. It’s clear to me that I’ve spent too much time worrying about things that are out of my control and not being grateful for how much I already have to begin with. 

Although this year was nerve-wracking on so many levels, it gave me a lot more than it took away. I gained an incredibly valuable perspective at how much I had taken my health, background and a multitude of other factors for granted. 

I also realized that while anyone can point out problems in society or in their personal lives, the real question we should be asking ourselves is how we can contribute to finding solutions and making things easier for our friends who face far greater challenges. The extent of those challenges was illuminated on the streets, within emergency rooms and on our nightly news more than ever this year. 

So how can we add value to each conversation? It starts by acknowledging that it’s about more than just me or you, even if it felt like there was every reason for 2020 to be a “woe with me” year. As the calendar year changes to 2021, there’s a lot to be optimistic about and plenty of people to thank for the work they’ve done in 2020. But the “work” isn’t finished yet. 

That overdue senior trip with friends? It can wait another year or so. If not for your family, do it for the hospital staff who have put their lives on the line for months, and for the vulnerable communities who have been ravaged by the pandemic. 

The small, family-owned business that is struggling under unprecedented financial uncertainty? Make it a priority rather than an alternative. This pandemic has permanent ramifications for better or worse, and it’s evident how meaningful each contribution is. 

Signing petitions and using your platform to fight against long-standing inequity? It all makes a difference. Whether you perfectly agree with certain policies or the positions of particular groups or others in your life, it takes everyone to band together to create significant change. Be part of the solution. 

And from a personal perspective? 2020 was unpredictably wild, but it wasn’t all bad. I became a confident, if not emotional leader as editor-in-chief at The Daily Californian. I graduated with a math degree from my dream school. I finally left the house and safely participated in my first social justice protests in June. I got the chance to work a season with Major League Baseball’s replay operations team. I tutored high school math and edited college essays for five high school seniors. I started graduate school and made life-long friends even in an online setting. And I’m looking forward to beginning my first full-time job position in January. 

A lot of things happened in 2020 that nobody anticipated. But that doesn’t mean that everything that transpired was for the worse. If you’ve made it to this point in the post, I hope that you too can look back at 2020 and be proud of yourself for the work you did and the people you brought a smile to during this hectic reality. 

In time, I’m eager to place a greater spotlight on not what 2020 prevented me from obtaining or experiencing, but on the things I’ve learned during this unique time. That includes the realization that it’s okay to not achieve a perfectly “even-keeled” version of myself, and that I’ve already come a long way in keeping my emotional drive in check. 

There’s so much to be grateful for and to look forward to in the coming weeks and months. Regardless of what your new year’s resolutions and goals were heading into 2020, you went through a lot and accomplished a lot. Be proud of that. And don’t forget to thank the people who helped you keep your head up, too. 

It was a truly bizarre year to (try and) deploy a more even-keeled approach to life, but looking back, I’m glad I tried.

Stay safe and healthy. Be kind to each other. Let’s take on 2021 together.