Emotional Vocabulary

Have you ever replayed a conversation in your head and wish you had said things differently? Yeah, me too. Expressing ourselves accurately is challenging. Though finding the right words to accurately express how we’re feeling is hard, building successful personal and professional relationships requires us to do so. Accurately representing ourselves is an important component to gaining other people’s trust and growing our ability to positively influence them.

So, how can we improve this must have life skill? How do we find the right words? Let’s start by improving our emotional vocabulary. You can see the work of empathy pioneer and researcher Karla McLaren. M.Ed. here: https://karlamclaren.com/emotional-vocabulary-page/

McLaren’s work developed three nuanced categories for our emotions (Soft, Medium, and Intense) so we can become smarter, quicker, and more articulate when describing them. Let’s look at three examples: Anger, Fear, and Happiness.

Let’s look at Anger.

Soft Anger and Apathy

Annoyed ~ Apathetic ~ Bored ~ Certain ~ Cold ~ Crabby ~ Cranky ~ Critical ~ Cross ~ Detached ~ Displeased ~ Frustrated ~ Impatient ~ Indifferent ~ Irritated ~ Peeved ~ Rankled

Medium Anger

Affronted ~ Aggravated ~ Angry ~ Antagonized ~ Arrogant ~ Bristling ~ Exasperated ~ Incensed ~ Indignant ~ Inflamed ~ Mad ~ Offended ~ Resentful ~ Riled up ~ Sarcastic

Intense Anger and Hatred

Aggressive ~ Appalled ~ Belligerent ~ Bitter ~ Contemptuous ~ Disgusted ~ Furious ~ Hateful ~ Hostile ~ Irate ~ Livid ~ Menacing ~ Outraged ~ Ranting ~ Raving ~ Seething ~ Spiteful ~ Vengeful ~ Vicious ~ Vindictive ~ Violent

The next time we feel anger let’s see if we can pause. Before using a charged word like “disgusted” and escalating the conversation, maybe the word “displeased” would describe our state of mind more accurately, and keep us in healthy dialogue. Making intelligent emotional decisions about how to describe our feelings will improve our relationships and maximize our influence. In this example, since anger brings a great deal of energy, slowing down and finding the right words will help us channel that intensity into healthy action.

Let’s look at Fear.

Soft Fear and Anxiety

Alert ~ Apprehensive ~ Cautious ~ Concerned ~ Confused ~ Curious ~ Disconcerted ~ Disoriented ~ Disquieted ~ Doubtful ~ Edgy ~ Fidgety ~ Hesitant ~ Indecisive ~ Insecure ~ Instinctive ~ Intuitive ~ Leery ~ Pensive ~ Shy ~ Timid ~ Uneasy ~ Watchful

Medium Fear and Anxiety

Afraid ~ Alarmed ~ Anxious ~ Aversive ~ Distrustful ~ Fearful ~ Jumpy ~ Nervous ~ Perturbed ~ Rattled ~ Shaky ~ Startled ~ Suspicious ~ Unnerved ~ Unsettled ~ Wary ~ Worried

Intense Fear and Panic

Filled with Dread ~ Horrified ~ Panicked ~ Paralyzed ~ Petrified ~ Phobic ~ Shocked ~ Terrorized

Because fear is intuition, it’s the emotion that tells us when change is occurring, and when we need to take action to avoid harm. Fear requires that we check in and figure out what we’re being alerted to. Asking internal questions of fear such as, what action should be taken, or what should I do, will help us work with fear in useful ways. If we can work with our fear, we can understand when it is healthy and appropriate, and when it’s not.

Let’s look at happy.

Soft Happiness

Amused ~ Calm ~ Encouraged ~ Friendly ~ Hopeful ~ Inspired ~ Jovial ~ Open ~ Peaceful ~ Smiling Upbeat

Medium Happiness and Contentment

Cheerful ~ Contented ~ Delighted ~ Excited ~ Fulfilled ~ Glad ~ Gleeful ~ Gratified ~ Happy ~ Healthy Self-esteem ~ Joyful ~ Lively ~ Merry ~ Optimistic ~ Playful ~ Pleased ~ Proud ~ Rejuvenated ~ Satisfied

Intense Happiness, Contentment, and Joy

Awe-filled ~ Blissful ~ Ecstatic ~ Egocentric ~ Elated ~ Enthralled ~ Euphoric ~ Exhilarated ~ Giddy ~ Jubilant ~ Manic ~ Overconfident ~ Overjoyed ~ Radiant ~ Rapturous ~ Self-aggrandized ~ Thrilled

Each of our emotions has a specific purpose and a specific place in our life. A trick to learn with happiness is to let it come and go and to not treat it as more important than our other emotions. Every emotion has its place. If we treat happiness as our go-to emotion, we’ll suffer unnecessarily when other emotions arise. If all we want is happiness, we’ll tend to avoid, ignore, suppress, or mistreat our other emotions, and then we won’t be very happy at all. Ironically, when we work skillfully with “negative” emotions we often feel happy or pleased afterward. It is as if happiness arises to tell us, “Good job! You’re getting the hang of emotions now.”

Building healthy relationships is a key ingredient to a successful life. We need to help other people, and we need other people to help us. Whether in our personal life or our work life the willingness to talk about how we’re feeling is important. The ability to accurately describe how we’re feeling is paramount. Finding the right words in the moment minimizes regret and keeps us moving forward. Finding the right words leads to healthy dialogue and trusting relationships. If we can improve our emotional vocabulary, we will improve our ability to lead ourselves and others.

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