Emotional Validation – A How-To for Leaders (Part 2)

If you missed Part 1 or the original article "This just isn't the same company anymore," which inspired this guide on emotional validation, I encourage you to revisit those before delving into the article below.

WARNING! This isn't your typical LinkedIn article with four bullet points of content. Instead, it contains a narrative interaction. I've chosen this format because many clients have expressed that while they grasp the concepts in bullet-point articles, they often seek real-life examples. After the narrative, you'll find key takeaways summarizing the encounter and an analysis of how these principles were applied in practice. I greatly value all feedback to help improve these articles.

With that said, let's get to it!

Refresher

In Part 1, we introduced Marlene and Sherill. Marlene tried her best to retain Sherill at the company, but it didn't go as planned. Instead of emotionally validating Sherill, Marlene unintentionally invalidated her experiences and primarily listened to respond (listening levels 1 and 2).

So, what now? Let's take a leap into another narrative, set in the same situation but with Marlene in this new universe equipped with additional skills. Let's see how she handles it.

As in Part 1, we'll explore this from Marlene's perspective. She's just learned that Sherill has scheduled a last-minute meeting.

The Narrative

"Hey Henry," I say, emerging from my office. "Sherill has requested a meeting with me in half an hour."

"I saw that," Henry turns from his monitor and hands me a manila folder. "I've adjusted your calendar to free up some time, and here are the notes for this afternoon's presentation."

"Thanks for that, and sorry for creating more work, but would you mind making some buffer time after Sherill's meeting? I don't want to rush our conversation, and if it runs long, I want to give her the time she needs."

"Of course, anything else?"

"Actually, yes, take my phone. I don't want to be distracted by it. I'm going to take a walk to clear my head before the meeting."

I head for the stairs and choose the more challenging path. After two flights, I stroll through the halls, observing engineers in the labs immersed in their work. A quick check of my watch, and I head back. There's nothing like some physical activity to reset my mind.

As I reach the last step into the corridor, I spot Sherill approaching my office.

"Hey Sherill."

"Oh," she says. "I'm sorry, I didn't expect to see you here."

We walk together. "Let's go to my office. Do you need anything to drink?"

She takes a seat, her gaze fixed on the floor. I retrieve two small bottles of water.

"What did you want to meet about?" Even as I ask, I sense that she already knows that I know.

Sherill fiddles with her watch, tucking it under her sleeve, then back out again. "I've been offered a job at another company... and... I'm thinking about taking it."

Okay, it's out there now.

"Oh Sherill," I say. "It looks like it's really weighing on you."

"Yes, yes, it is..." Sherill brushes her hands on the edge of the chair. "I've loved this company, what we do, the work. It's been life-changing for me in so many ways."

I nod, encouraging her forward.

"But... things are so different now," she continues, taking a sip of her water. "The last year or so, we've laid off so many people... friends... people I've really come to care about. And the projects, many have been canceled or are on indefinite hold. I just don't know where things are going anymore. We've had a hiring freeze for months, the work is piling up, and I'm falling behind. I'm not doing my best work anymore, and honestly, I'm feeling so guilty about even considering leaving and putting you and everyone else in such a bind. But I'm not sleeping. My partner has been pushing me to quit for months. They say I'm not the same person anymore. I can't keep going on like this..."

She looks me in the eye.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I didn't mean to dump on you like this."

I can't help but feel for her. "It sounds like you're carrying a lot – guilt, responsibilities, feeling like you need to keep everything going for everyone else, like being trapped."

She grimaces. "A lot for sure. I don't know if I feel trapped so much as defeated. I'm not usually this person. It's not who I am, which is why I can't stay."

I grab the box of Kleenex off my desk.

"You started what, about five years ago, right?"

"Yeah," she says, wiping a tissue under her eye. "You know, it's so different now. It's like a completely different place."

"Do you mind me asking, what first brought you here?"

Sherill adjusts her jacket, straightening. "My grandpa was an incredible man. I learned more from him than any human being, and he died of diabetes while I was still at uni."

"I'm so sorry."

"Thanks. It was because of him I was on a mission to work somewhere where I could make a difference with this disease. When I read about what the company was doing and all the amazing breakthroughs, I did more research. The company's mission and the posts I saw online from patients, employees, doctors, they were all so heartwarming. When I finally met with people at your booth at the career fair, they were all so real, welcoming, and knowledgeable. I couldn't believe it."

"Sounds exciting."

"It was. I interviewed and got an offer the same day. I was so inspired, and when I first got here, that same energy, it was everywhere."

"Was there a particularly powerful experience you've been a part of?"

"There was. We were working on getting the next-generation device approved by the FDA. Just before the Thanksgiving holiday, we got this huge letter full of questions. I still remember. It was Monday morning when it came in, and everyone was leaving for the holiday that week. But we all sat down, divided up the questions, and decided to have draft responses by Wednesday before we left. Wednesday! Can you believe that? Two days! And you know what? We did it! We met that Wednesday afternoon, reviewed them all, commented on each other's work, and left for break. But we kept working all through that weekend, trading messages, polishing our answers... It's funny thinking about that now."

"Why's that?"

"Maybe it's the cloud of time, but even though I worked through that holiday, I loved it. I remember spending time with family, playing games, watching football, eating too much, but I also remember cranking out answers. It was both exhausting and energizing. And you know what? We sent all our responses back to the FDA the Tuesday after we came back. Crazy, right?"

"I remember this," I say. "You all got approval a month later, in time for the holiday patient party!"

"Exactly!"

"Quite an accomplishment and set quite a bar," I say.

"That's the thing, we weren't trying to set any bar. We were all so motivated to get this therapy out. We weren't doing it for a bonus, for management, for the street, we did it because it was important."

I sit back and reflect on how impressed I am with this young woman. Whatever she decides and wherever she goes, she will make an impact. "It's an incredible story and experience."

"It was," she says. "...and it's not that way anymore."

There it is. The pain is back. "It sounds like you're mourning a loss. A loss of something really special."

"I am and I'm not the only one. Do you think the leadership team even gets this?"

I understand what she's feeling. If I'm honest, I've felt the same. But it's not about me. "It sounds like you've been betrayed."

"Betrayed?"

I continue, "Everything the company once was, what made it special, the secret sauce, the community, the purpose, the impact, it was taken away."

"Yes, I suppose so," Shirell says. "I don't even know why or how, I just know it's gone now. The mission, it's still there, but different..."

"...Like the heart is gone?" I say. "...the shell of everything is still there, but what's inside is different."

"Yes... exactly."

"Shirell, you're so self-aware and thoughtful. It's not easy having this kind of conversation."

"Honestly," she says. "I thought you would try to talk me out of this. I really appreciate you taking the time to sit with me and really listen."

"Of course."

Review and Concepts

How did the Marlene in this universe do?

What did she do differently?? How did Sherill respond?

Here are some points to consider.? This Marlene listened at the “Listen to Hear” and “Listen to Understand” levels.?

Listen to Hear - At this level, one pays full attention to what their employees are saying, without distractions or preconceptions. This level of listening requires motivation and effort, as it involves focusing entirely on the employee's words and expressions.

Listen to Understand - This is the deepest and most effective level of listening for a leader. It involves not only hearing what is being said but also understanding the underlying feelings, thoughts, and motivations behind the words. For example, when an employee discusses workload challenges, they might be expressing deeper concerns about work-life balance or seeking more support. Leaders who listen to understand are able to pick up on these subtle cues and address the core issues, not just the surface-level problems. This level of listening fosters a deeper connection, trust, and empathy between the leader and their employees, leading to a more harmonious and productive workplace.

With these listening levels in mind, let’s revisit Marlene and Sherill’s interaction. Overall, notice how there is hardly any inner dialogue from Marlene unlike the narrative in Part 1.? She’s focused completely on Sherill who is able to share much more as a result.

Before the Meeting (setting the intention)

• Listen to Hear: Marlene specifically asks Henry to clear her schedule to make room for the meeting with Shirell, showing her intent to be fully present and attentive. She also asks Henry to take her phone, indicating her commitment to avoid distractions and focus solely on listening to Shirell.
• Listen to Understand: The decision to take a walk and clear her head shows Marlene’s preparation not just to hear Shirell's words, but to be in the right mental state to understand her concerns deeply.

Throughout the Meeting

• Listen to Hear: Marlene greets Shirell and offers her water, setting a comfortable and attentive tone for the conversation. She patiently waits for Shirell to start the conversation, not rushing or leading her, which shows that she is ready to listen to whatever Shirell has to say.
• Listen to Understand: When Shirell shares her thoughts about leaving, Marlene empathizes with her, saying, “It looks like it's really weighing on you.” This response shows that Marlene is not just hearing the words but is also sensitive to the emotional weight behind them. Marlene’s responses throughout are reflective and probing, asking questions like “Do you mind me asking, what first brought you here?” to understand Shirell's deeper motivations and feelings.? This question is so very powerful as it really helps Sherill really understand and relive all of what she appreciated about the company.? It will serve as a foundation we build on for the conversation to continue in the next part.? But for now, it helps to build and validate her experience.

The Close

• Listen to Hear: Marlene does not interrupt Shirell and allows her to complete her thoughts, showing that she respects and values Shirell's input.
• Listen to Understand: Towards the end, Marlene acknowledges Shirell's feelings of betrayal and loss, showing that she has not only heard but understood the deeper emotional context of Shirell’s decision. Marlene validates Shirell’s experience by summarizing her feelings, “It sounds like you’re mourning a loss. A loss of something really special.” This demonstrates her deep understanding of Shirell’s emotional state. In her closing remarks, Marlene expresses appreciation for Shirell’s honesty and self-awareness, further validating her feelings and showing an understanding of the difficulty of the conversation for Shirell.

Special Notes

• Remember when Marlene suggested that Shirell might be feeling “trapped”. Shirell disagreed, but then elaborated on her own feelings. This is a crucial point to remember. As a leader, when you try to validate by expressing what you observe, you might not always hit the mark. And that's perfectly fine. The important aspect is that you're listening and reflecting your understanding back to the other person. They will either agree or provide further clarification, enriching the experience for both of you.
• Remember when Shirell asked, "Do you think the leadership team even gets this?" What did Marlene do? She had several options: she could have shared her personal opinion about leadership, defended them, disagreed with Shirell, empathized by sharing her own story, or even recited official responses regarding company changes. Any of these reactions would have shifted the focus away from Shirell and either onto Marlene herself or the leadership team. Instead, Marlene chose to listen beyond the words. She recognized that Shirell felt let down by the leadership, a sentiment that needed validation. As mentioned in Part 1, validation does not necessarily mean agreement. Marlene demonstrates this beautifully when she responds, “It sounds like you’ve been betrayed.”

To be clear, validation is the first step not the end.? We still have a lot to discuss about her future and where to go from here, but the key is to meet Sherill where she is first before any of the rest of it.?

If you’d like to know how to progress the conversation and what you think about this approach, let me know in the comments.

#Validation, #LeadershipDevelopment, #CorporateCulture, #EmployeeEngagement, #OrganizationalChange, #EffectiveCommunication, #EmotionalIntelligence, #ManagementSkills, #WorkplaceWellness, #TeamBuilding, #ProfessionalGrowth, #ValidationInLeadership, #HumanResources, #LeadershipCoaching, #BusinessTransformation, #EmployeeExperience, #emotionalvalidation, #emotionalintelligence, #Listeningskills, #Listening

?

?

?