Emotional Regulation: The Key to Building Trust, Influence

Here’s an obvious truth worth contemplating: Many times a day, you and I experience emotions while we’re interacting with others. We feel frustrated, annoyed, anxious, angry, nervous, excited, jealous, resentful, disappointed…?

The way we act and communicate amidst our emotional states will impact our trust, influence and wellbeing.

It Can Be HARD to Regulate Emotions

I’d just had a long, frustrating battle with my computer. Now, I was in the car driving my family to the fair. It had been a very stressful day and I just wanted to get to there, so I punched “Minnesota State Fair” into Google Maps and began hastily following instructions.

But I made a wrong turn…which landed me in an awful traffic jam with no way out. This meant another 20 minutes added to the drive!

And that’s when I lost it.

I’ll spare you the ugly details, but suffice it to say, I’m embarrassed that my family saw it. For several minutes, I just could not regulate my own emotions and response. Anger, shame and impatience came on so fast and so strong that my actions felt almost uncontrollable.

My family was scared and I thought I was going to throw up.

When was the last time you struggled to regulate your emotions and response?

Why Emotional Regulation Matters

Emotional (self-)regulation/management is a key component of emotional intelligence (EQ) and, as?Daniel Goleman?and other researchers have discovered, is a critical factor in success at work, home and in the community.

Let’s face it, we typically trust and follow people who don’t fly off the handle, crumble under the weight of the moment or become overactive in times of excitement. (We may vote for them or work for them but inevitably morale, performance and retention suffer.)

Furthermore,?studies?show that strong emotional regulation leads to better mental health and healthy mood management.

What Exactly Is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation is the ability to respond to a range of (sometimes intense) emotions in?a relationally tolerable way, while allowing and delaying spontaneous reactions as needed.

James Gross, a professor at Stanford University’s Department of Psychology who is well known for his research in emotional regulation,?explains:

Emotional regulation refers to the process by which individuals influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express their feelings. Emotional regulation can be automatic or controlled, conscious or unconscious.

How Do I Improve My Emotional Regulation?

At the core, emotional regulation is about improving the reaction you have to your emotions. Everyone who wants increased trust and influence with others and improved mental health should be continuously working to improve that. Here are five ways you can do it:

1. Notice and name your feelings.?It can be very challenging to put words to a feeling, and most people haven’t been taught or encouraged to do this. But naming your feeling (I’m feeling anxious)?engages the rational part of your brain, which begins the effort to regulate. Also, if it’s appropriate, verbalizing it to others can help them empathize with you in that moment.
2. Increase physical and social awareness.?It’s super important to understand what your body is doing and what the people around you are experiencing during elevated emotions. Notice your heart rate, your breathing, your facial expression, your posture, your tone of voice…and notice visual and vocal signals from people around you. Do people look tense? Do they appear to be shutting down?
3. Engage in cognitive reappraisal.?This is a psychology term for altering the way you think. Sometimes we have to challenge the narrative in our head, replace an unproductive thought or engage in role reversal to look at a situation from a new perspective. For example, you might replace “My boss hates me” with “My boss is upset right now.” We all make incorrect assumptions and ruminate on unproductive thoughts. To mitigate that, work out a more objective evaluation of the situation.
4. Fill your tank.?When you’re tired, worn down, stressed, rushed or depleted, it’s a lot harder to regulate emotions. Do what you need to do to fill your emotional and physical tank. While you may be going through a particularly stressful period, no one wants you to be a martyr if it means they will suffer from your lack of emotional regulation. Kids would rather have emotionally regulated parents than parents that get a lot done. Employees would rather have emotionally regulated bosses and colleagues than ones who get to every meeting and answer every email.
5. Work with someone to improve your emotional regulation.?Yeah, counseling and coaching can really help. It may require an investment, but it’s one with a high return. And your colleagues, your family, your friends and your mental health will all thank you.

Practice these five areas and you’ll be sure to build stronger trust, influence and wellbeing.

How could you commit to better emotional regulation?

Patterns are Inevitable. Growth is Optional. Check out my award-winning book Four Patterns of Healthy People to become more aware of the healthy and unhealthy patterns in your thoughts, relationships, ego, and daily operations.

Analyze Your Opportunities for Growth.?Join other leaders and discover how well you are leveraging your strengths and opportunities. It’s a free tool for your self-awareness. Just click here.

About the Author. Matt Norman coaches and advises executives on how to build great people and culture. He is President & CEO of Norman & Associates, which offers custom coaching and consulting in the areas of talent strategy, personal effectiveness, planning, and goal alignment. Norman & Associates also provides Dale Carnegie cohort-style action learning programs to help people improve how they communicate, lead, influence, and work together.

View additional articles by Matt and sign-up to receive them in your inbox by clicking here.