Emotional Regulation: Do You Have It?

Some days can simply be…well, demanding. The interesting thing about being an adult is that someone may care, but ultimately you feel the need to keep going because after all, you’re balancing a lot. I attended a leadership training years ago at Harvard University (Cambridge is amazing by the way), and in an exercise we explored the concept of starting each day with five markers. Each time an unexpected challenge put you out of your routine—you drop a marker. So, imagine this: Cranberry juice on your freshly dry-cleaned white button down, a dreaded ‘we need to talk’ text message, or one of my favorites, you’re rushing, and you forget something extremely important like your coffee. Needed that! All of these would be considered marker drops.?

By midday, you might only have one or two markers left, making it harder to stay composed, confident, and self-aware. What normally happens to me is my responses take a hard decline, instead of explanations my brain can only process yes or no answers. This concept aligns with the Cognitive Load Theory, which suggests that our mental resources are limited, and when we’re overwhelmed, our ability to regulate emotions and make sound decisions is compromised. Sound familiar?

Emotional regulation is a hot topic, and one of my favorite topics. For starters, it’s not just about staying calm—it’s about managing yourself and maintaining control over your thoughts and reactions. Stanford phycologist James Gross does an incredible job of exploring emotional regulation, and he found that how we manage our emotions directly impacts our confidence and self-awareness. When we lack control over our emotions, a lot of not so good things can happen. We can act impulsively, and our decision-making isn’t great. When we can regulate our emotions, we can make decisions with clarity and reinforce our self-worth.

One thing that has helped me with my emotional regulation is understanding what impacts my emotions. For me, when I feel disrespected my equilibrium is entirely thrown off. However, by knowing that I now have tools to manage my emotions and de-escalate the signals that are telling me to react. I’d like to leave you with two strategies to help regulate your emotions and build confidence:

1.???? Take a Breather Before Reacting—Give your mind a second to process the information you are taking in. This can help you respond instead of reacting with impulse.

2.???? Check in With Yourself—See the whole frame. It’s quite possible you are at one marker. It’s also possible that you aren’t seeing things clearly. Is this my ego? How is this emotion affecting my confidence?

I want you to keep thinking about how you are managing yourself. Confidence has a lot to do with how you can manage your emotions. My hope for you is that even with the stain on your shirt, or the pivot to Starbucks, you can pick the marker back up and show up as the best you. Keep going, and as always, I’m wishing you the best.