Emotional Intelligence

People with higher EQs tend to be happier and more successful. Whilst intelligence is the gate opener to your professional career, emotional intelligence often determines how successful you will be.

We can all learn how to manage our distressing emotions, increase our empathy, and harness our emotions to have better relationships.

This newsletter is all about managing emotions and how we can improve emotional intelligence. The basic premise is that by becoming more aware of our emotions we can identify negative emotional reactions and choose more positive responses that build rapport and decrease tension or conflict.

One of my coaching clients recently asked me to define negative emotions because he held the view that no emotions are negative and that it can be harmful to suppress emotions. This was a great question and one that I hadn’t considered at length before then.

In my experience, emotions such as anger, hatred, jealousy, and resentment fall to the negative end of the spectrum and can sometimes manifest in very harmful and hurtful ways. It is dangerous to deny or suppress these emotions and can be equally damaging to express them.

I see these as feedback, and we can use them in a positive way by first pausing to consider and then choosing our response to a situation.?

I’m looking forward to continuing this journey together.

Understanding our emotions

Let’s start by understanding emotional intelligence. It’s an area that has been greatly studied over the last 4 decades. Many neuroscientists and researchers believe it is more important than IQ in determining our propensity to have a happy and successful life.

Emotion is often defined as a complex feeling that results in physical and psychological changes affecting thought and behaviour.

Emotions include feeling, thought, nervous system activation, physiological changes, and behavioural changes such as facial expressions.

Emotions seem to dominate many aspects of our lives as we recognise and respond to important events related to survival or the maintenance of prosperity.

Most major theories of emotion agree that cognitive processes are a very important source of emotions and that feelings provide a powerful motivational system that significantly influences perception, cognition, confrontation, and creativity.

According to Darwin, all people, irrespective of their race or culture, express emotions using their faces and body in a similar way as part of our evolutionary heritage.

Emotions can be hard to define as we often confuse them with our feelings.?

Understanding the difference between emotions and feelings

Let’s look at the definition of feelings before we move on to consider the difference between emotions and feelings.

A feeling is an emotional state or reaction; an idea or belief, especially a vague or irrational one; or the capacity to experience the sense of touch.

In this course, we are most concerned with the first definition of feelings as an emotional state or reaction. Basically, emotions come first, and feelings come next in response to the emotion.

According to neuroscience, emotions first occur in the subcortical areas of the brain when stimuli produce biochemical reactions that have a direct impact on our physical state.

Feelings occur in the neocortical regions of the brain and are the next step in how we respond to our emotions as an individual. Emotions come first and feelings follow…

Emotions are regarded as ‘lower level’ responses as they first occur in the subcortical areas of the brain. These areas produce biochemical reactions that have a direct impact on your physical state.

Emotions are coded into our DNA and are thought to have developed to help us respond quickly to different environmental situations.

Emotional memories are often stronger and easier to recall and are more influential on future behaviour.

Emotions have a stronger physical grounding than feelings meaning researchers find them easier to measure objectively through physical cues such as blood flow, heart rate, brain activity, facial expressions, and body.

Feelings are seen as resulting from emotions or coming after the initial emotional response. They tend to be our reactions to the different emotions we experience.

Where emotions can have a more generalised experience across all humans, feelings are more subjective and are influenced by our personal experiences and interpretations of our world based on those experiences.

Feelings occur in the neocortical regions of the brain and are the next step in how we respond to our emotions as an individual.

Because they are so subjective, feelings can’t be measured the way emotions can.

Definitions of emotional intelligence

According to Daniel Goleman…“If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.”

Daniel Goleman is a psychologist and science journalist who has written extensively on emotional intelligence and leadership since the early 1990s. He has put forward ground-breaking research on the way emotional intelligence and positivity contribute to successful leadership and also developed the concept of social intelligence.

Emotional intelligence (EI) refers to the ability to perceive, control and evaluate emotions. Some researchers suggest that emotional intelligence can be learned and strengthened, while others claim it is an inborn characteristic.

Some people have a naturally higher level of emotional intelligence, and many are able to put in effort to increase and strengthen their EI.

The concept of emotional intelligence is certainly not a new one. According to Plato, all learning has an emotional base. It has been extensively studied over the last 40 years and is becoming a key indicator of career success, even being used more and more as a factor when considering candidates for employment and promotion.

I particularly like this quote from Peter Salovey and John Mayer “Emotional Intelligence is the ability to monitor one’s own and other’s feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.” That really sums the concept of emotional intelligence up nicely.

Relative importance of IQ, EQ and SQ

Is EI really more important than IQ? This question can be confronting for many lawyers as generally, it is impossible to become a lawyer without a super high IQ. You need to get top marks at school to be accepted into law school where the culture is super competitive and high academic results are used to determine your placement opportunities upon graduation.

It is widely accepted that Intelligence (IQ) determines the types of jobs you can pursue.

A newer concept is that of social intelligence (SQ), or the ability to act wisely whilst maintaining human relations. This often determines your leadership and teamwork success.

Many researchers have considered the contribution of emotional intelligence and concluded that it is often more important than IQ in determining success at work.

In Daniel Goleman’s opinion, intelligence (IQ) determines the types of jobs you can pursue, emotional intelligence (EI) and social intelligence (SQ) determine how well you will succeed within your chosen profession. Research also points to emotional intelligence as a key factor in determining your overall satisfaction and happiness.?

Emotional Intelligence affects all areas of our lives

EI affects the four main domains of our lives, and the higher your EQ, generally the better you can perform in all areas.

Your performance at work - high emotional intelligence helps you to manage and interpret the social complexities of the workplace; lead and motivate others; and excel in your career. Many companies include emotional intelligence assessment tools when selecting new employees.

Your physical health – being able to manage your emotions supports you to better manage your stress. If you’re not managing your stress and have low levels of resilience then you are more likely to suffer from serious health problems such as high blood pressure, heart problems, strokes, infertility, and accelerated ageing. ?

Your mental health - uncontrolled emotions and high levels of stress can impact your mental wellbeing. This makes you vulnerable to anxiety and depression. If you’re unable to understand and manage your emotions, you’ll also struggle to form strong relationships. Poor relationships, or a lack of relationships, lead to increased feelings of loneliness and isolation, which negatively impact our mental health.

Your relationships – when you understand your emotions and develop the ability to manage them then you increase both your empathy and your ability to express your own emotions in a constructive way. These abilities support better communication and the ability to develop stronger relationships, both at work and in your personal life.

Emotional Intelligence

Self-awareness and self-management and the dimension of emotional intelligence related to the individual.

Self-awareness is the ability to identify and understand your own emotions and the impact you have on others.

It also relates to your ability to accurately assess your strengths and weaknesses, as well as your awareness of your emotions and the behaviours they trigger.

People who are self-aware tend to be more confident and more creative. They also make better decisions, build stronger relationships, and communicate more effectively.

Self-management enables you to have emotional self-control, you can manage your emotions and keep disruptive emotions and impulses under control.?

People with strong self-regulation can pause and take a deep breath in tense and stressful situations which helps them remain calm and think before they speak or act. This is one of the critical strengths of someone with high emotional intelligence – we will look into this more later in this module.

People with higher self-management skills –

• are seen as honest and trustworthy
• are more adaptable, flexible and resilience
• are generally more successful and have improved performance
• have more initiative
• have higher levels of optimism

These characteristics are critical factors in managing stress and having happier, more positive lives.

Social Intelligence

Broadly speaking, social intelligence enables you to recognise friends from foes, measure another person’s interest in you, reduce stress, balance your nervous system through social communication, and feel loved and happy. Let’s look at the two components of social intelligence.

Social awareness is the ability to understand the emotions of others and a key component of this is empathy, where you can sense and be genuinely interested in the emotions of others.

It is a critical skill when managing teams of people to deliver complex outcomes and supports increased organisational awareness, as well as the ability to understand the needs and expectations of others. This is important when dealing with stakeholders, supervisors, team members and clients.

Relationship management skills influence, conflict management, bond building, rapport, kindness, and leadership.

These skills make it possible to build and maintain healthy relationships in all parts of your life.?

Signs of high EQ versus low EQ

Benefits of higher EQ

Research suggests that people with high emotional intelligence are more innovative and have higher job satisfaction, through increased project success and trust, than those with lower EIs.

People with higher EQ have the following characteristics –

1.????More innovation

2.????Higher job satisfaction

3.????Improved relationships

4.????Anticipate and avoid emotional breakdowns

5.????Deal with difficult team members and manage conflict

6.????Consider emotional information for decision making

7.????Communicate more effectively

8.????Improve team morale and performance

9.????Attract and retain high performers

10.?Inspire and motivate the team

11.?Improve overall organisational performance

12.?Create a positive work environment

With so many advantages coming from having higher EI, then it’s a great idea to work to increase our emotional intelligence. I first started sharing these concepts when lecturing for the College of Law when I was invited to support lawyers to improve their wellbeing at work.

How to Increase Emotional Intelligence

Based on evidence and research there are many simple ways you can work on improving your EI -

1. Identify what you are feeling - recognise your specific emotions and the underlying cause. This requires you to tune into your own emotions and gain a greater awareness of what you are feeling. It’s the first step to increasing your EQ and a foundation for improved SQ as well.
2. Develop awareness and gain perspective – practicing mindfulness is a proven way to gain perspective on your feelings so you’re able to manage negative emotions and harness positive ones. This improves both your EQ and empathy. It also links back to concepts from Module 2 about positive emotions and resilience.
3. Acknowledge and appreciate your emotions – understand rather than deny your feelings. Your emotions are never wrong, they are valuable sources of feedback and information. Be honest about how you feel and accept the emotions, even the negative ones. Once you can validate your own feelings you will increase your empathy and awareness of the feelings of others.?
4. Interpret your emotions – understand your emotions and consider the feedback. Approaching your feelings with an attitude of curiosity lets you interrupt your current emotional trajectory so you can find a resolution or select your response.
5. Regulate your emotions – consider how you want to respond to negative emotions (yours and those of others). Our automatic responses to negative emotions are normally volatile. Once you can interpret your emotions you can then select how you wish to respond to them. You can increase your emotional intelligence by pausing to consider a response that will produce a positive outcome, rather than simply reacting without thinking. This means staying cool instead of being reactive.
6. Develop the capacity for empathy – increased awareness of other people’s emotions improves as you understand your own emotions. Those with higher empathy are better team members and better managers. They can interpret and anticipate the needs and emotions of others to maintain create rapport and build great relationships, both at work and at home.
7. Pick up emotional cues - apply emotional skills to interpersonal relationships. Developing an awareness of the emotional cues of others enables you to be more emotionally available – as a partner, friend, co-worker, and family member.
8. Develop flexibility and self-control – find ways to be gently assertive and respectful. When being assertive it’s not about being aggressive or domineering. It’s about asserting yourself in a way that strengthens relationships as you respect the emotions of others whilst you communicate your perspective and what you need to resolve issues and move on, wants and needs directly while still respecting others.?

Emotion Self-Management Process

This super simple process will greatly improve your ability to work with emotions - both yours and those of others. This in turn will increase your EQ. I developed this process when I was lecturing at The College of Law, based on my personal cycle for managing and responding to my own emotions.

The most important first step is to cultivate awareness and curiosity as more positive responses to negative emotions. This is much healthier than denial and judgement which can lead to frustration and volatility.

Step 1 – Identify the emotion by considering exactly how you are feeling

Step 2 - Acknowledge the emotion and consider the exact emotion, identify it to expand your repertoire

Step 3 - Determine the root cause so you can choose positive action to resolve negative situations

Step 4 - Consider the feedback being provided by the emotion

Step 5 - Select a positive response that will resolve or diffuse negative emotions

Start again and this will soon become an automatic cycle that determines your response pattern whenever you feel or encounter negative emotions.

Emotional intelligence assessment

There are lots of EQ tests and assessments that you can complete to understand areas of strength and areas for improvement.

Your human resources team may have access to EQ assessments, and it would be ideal to do the one that is preferred by your organisation. If not, then you can find them online.?

If you can’t find one that is recommended internally then you can check out this reputable assessment constructed by Dr Emily A Sterrett, author of several books on emotional intelligence - Assessing Emotional Intelligence by Emily A Sterrett, Ph.D.

1.????Answer quickly and truthfully

2.????Avoid attempting to select the best answer

3.????Complete Part 1 yourself

4.????Ask peers, colleagues, friends and family to complete Part 2

5.????Consider the results and develop action plans – this is the most critical step as it’s a waste of time to complete the assessment if you don’t intend to carefully consider the feedback; develop actions plans; and then implement them.

If you’d like to find out more, I’m offering a?FREE 30-minute coaching session?to give you a sample of?The POSITIVE Lawyer?program and to share practical tips just like these that can help you to improve your life.

OR, you can buy the book?The POSITIVE Lawyer Mindset. It is a companion to the coaching program and became an Amazon best-seller in its first week!

What are you waiting for - life is finite so it’s important to be happy and enjoy it.

My aim is to inspire you to transform your working life and achieve great things and I look forward to joining you on your journey!

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