Emotional Intelligence – Raising a Child without Fear

Most of our fears, as adults, are rooted in our developmental years…. our childhood.

For example, if you have a fear of heights, something must have happened for you to have developed that fear. It could be that you may have fallen from a height and hurt yourself or it could be that you may have seen someone falling off a high place or you could have heard of someone falling. Either way, something definite must have happened for the experience to be instilled in your mind as something that scared you. Hence, you may perceive high places as a threat.

Children don’t really understand the concept of fear. They observe the adults around them and pick up on the sense of fear from them. Ever noticed when the child is flung in the air? If the adults around that child are calm and laughing, the child laughs and gurgles and feels secure, knowing that he will be caught. On the other hand, if the child observes that while he is being flung, someone looks petrified or shrieks, the child may pick up on that fear and start crying.

Fear can be a natural reaction to feeling unsure and vulnerable — and much of what children experience is new and unfamiliar. So, certain fears are normal during childhood. That said, if children are taught to perceive Fear the right way, as something that is trying to caution them against what lies ahead, they will grow up with the ability to use fear to their advantage.

7 years ago, my nephew, Rihan, had developed the fear of going by elevator. When I asked my sister about it, I was told that on one of the days, his nanny and he were stuck in the elevator. It was for less than 2 minutes but in those 2 minutes his nanny panicked and screamed for help and banged on the elevator doors. Rihan was 4 when this happened. Watching his nanny (a person who is supposed to be nurturing him and keeping him safe) panic and scream scared that little boy out of his skin. He learned that using an elevator was something to be afraid of.

As parents, it is natural for you to be protective of your child. But protective to what extent? If in the name of being protective, you won’t let your child explore and learn for himself, if you won’t let your child out of your sight and won’t let the child climb trees or do just about anything that you perceive as something that could hurt your child, you need to think again. Are you really protecting your child or are you instilling constant fear in your child? Are you enabling your child to be independent and creative and determined? Because, let’s face it, at some point your child will have the world to deal with and expecting the world to be kind always is really quite a ridiculous notion. Life, in general, can be quite an unforgiving teacher and if you have not taught your child that it’s okay to fail and fall down so long as he learns to stand again, on his own 2 feet, believe me, the adult that he grows up to become is not going to thank you for being so protective!

I’m not saying throw your child to the lions! Let your child explore. Instead of passing on your fears and limitations to the child, let your fears enable you to provide a protected environment where your child can explore, try different things, fail, understand, learn, and succeed.

For example, on one of the days when we had a power cut, we’d lit candles in the rooms. My nephew was almost 3 years old. At that age, kids are naturally curious. They want to touch and taste things to get a sense of them. My sister was quite worried about leaving him unattended, and that’s understandable. I happened to be around. I took my nephew’s hand and held it close to the candle’s flame and let him feel the heat. I let him touch the wax that was melting. I was holding (not gripping!) his hand all the time so as to pull it back in time just in case he didn’t. He instantly pulled his hand away. I explained to him that if the hot wax gave him such a jolt, the burning flame would give him even more pain. I explained to him that if he goes any closer to the flame, it will burn him. His curiosity was satiated and I knew he would not be touching the burning candle. Problem solved!

These are some pointers that could help raise a child without fear.

1.      Wait for the child to be calm: Talking sense to the child while his heart is pounding away is a wasted effort. At that time, he needs reassurance. Reassurance that all is okay in his little world and that you are there to help him cope. Gently rub his back to help his get a grip on his breathing. Hold him close to you so that he feels safe and warm. If he wants to talk about it, let him…even if he is babbling nonsensically! It’s a good sign that he is expressing his fear.

2.      Validate the feelings: No matter how silly it sounds to you, as an adult, you need to let the child know that you believe his fear to be real...because to him, it is real. Play along. For example, if the child is scared of a monster that’s hiding under his bed, make a show of looking for it and then reassure the child to look with you. Let the child see for himself that the monster is not hiding there anymore. In fact, you could also look around the entire room just to make sure that the monster isn’t hiding somewhere else! As kids, we also probably believed in monsters under the bed or in the closet or behind the curtains….some of us probably still do. When you let the child know that you believe in him, he will learn that it is okay to express his fear and that he is not being silly or whimsical or ridiculous. Else, if the child starts bottling things up, it can become a huge block to the overall communication with that child….never mind the harm it can cause in the long run!

3.      Do not overreact: While it is important that you validate the child’s feelings, do not overreact. Do not rush in and scoop your child into your arms and hold him tight every time. Doing so might in fact make him feel that there was something to be really afraid of. Also, he needs to learn that your arms are not the only safe place…unless you plan on having your arms glued to his sides 24x7. Watch your facial expressions, your tone and volume, and our body language because the child is absorbing it all. Only if you stay calm, you will manage to get the child to calm down too.

4.      Keep the child well informed: A child is still figuring his way around and understanding how the world works. If loud thunderclaps scare the child, talk to him about where the thunder and lightning come from (child-friendly version please!). Show him how things work. His little brain will absorb everything like a sponge! Help him connect the dots.

5.      Explain the greys: A child is not necessarily aware of the possible greys in between. Everything is either black or white! The child may think in extremes. If a dog bit him or someone else in front of him, it means that all dogs bite, every time! Fears have a way of mixing up the past event and the probable future. Hence it is important to deal with the extreme generalizations and help the child keep an open mind and see the difference between the past event and the present scenario. Talk to them about the differences between then and now.

6.      Storytelling: While the fears of a child may appear to be irrational, the reason behind that fear is a rational and real story. Encourage the child to narrate his story of when he first felt strong gripping fear. There are researches that prove that storytelling is a fundamental part of being human. Stories add meaning to our experiences. Stories help us connect with others. Stories soothe our strong emotional and physical reactions. Storytelling helps with the connection between the left brain (logical reasoning, facts, and details) and the right brain (feelings, emotions, memories). When the child feels intense fear, the right brain takes over. Without the intervention of the left brain, that particular scary event becomes a generalized concept. (For example, refer to point 5…. All dogs bite!) Through storytelling, you can reintroduce the left brain and bring in the facts and details. This will also enable him to see the greys and not get entangled in false, generalized, extreme concepts. As a parent, your role is to ask the child questions that will get him to bring out the specific details while he narrates his story.

7.      Pair the fear with something happy: In continuation with the example of the monster under the bed, in point 2, once you are done looking for the monster and have ascertained that there is none, have a little celebrating ritual…it could be anything…. A simple high five, a quick jig…anything that helps take their focus away from their scary thoughts or memories or feelings and replaces it with something positive. This will help to dilute the negative associations.

Fear is good. Let the child know that it’s okay to be afraid. Fear can be instrumental in keeping the child out of harm’s way. That said, his mind must also be trained to analyze it, deal with it, and move ahead fearlessly.