Emotional Intelligence is Not a Performance

When I lost my mom a few years ago, there were a number of people in my personal life and professional life that expressed their condolences. I was grateful for the support.

But the truth was that I didn't feel the message from everyone.

Maybe it's politically incorrect to say this but... It's like I could sense the difference of authenticity between those that meant what they were saying and those that felt like they had to say it before they talked to me and asked me for something.

It felt transactional.

If you've ever lost a loved one, a job, a marriage, or had a major health issue, perhaps you know what I'm talking about in how others respond to your situation.

In leadership and in life, there’s a big difference between performing emotional intelligence and embodying it. And it goes far beyond losing a loved one. With so many layoffs hitting the tech sector and the federal government, it's incumbent on managers at all levels to get this.

You’ve probably encountered someone who tries to act emotionally intelligent - nodding at the right moments, saying things like “I hear you” or “That must be hard” - but something feels off. Their words and body language don’t quite land. There’s no real connection.

Why?

Because emotional intelligence isn’t a script. It’s not a set of social techniques to manipulate outcomes (how many times have we seen that?). It’s the ability to sense into another person’s emotional state, to attune to where they actually are in their process - and you can’t fake that.

Some particularly arrogant or naive executives think they're fooling people with their empty words. They're not.

This is the difference between responding and performing. Between true leadership and an act.

Competency and the illusion of competency.

When you’re present, truly in the Here and Now, you naturally pick up on subtle cues - body language, tone shifts, facial tics, and even what isn’t being said. You start to feel where someone is rather than guessing based on surface signals. And from that place, your responses come from attunement, not pretense.

But when you’re performing emotional intelligence, when you’re thinking about the right thing to say instead of feeling the person in front of you, you’re not actually connected. You’re in your head. Not in your heart.

Real emotional intelligence is not about looking wise, sounding empathetic, or having “high EQ.” It's not about what to say. It’s about being here. Fully. Attuned. Available in the Here and Now.

And the good news? This is a learnable skill!

I work on this with my clients. Not by memorizing one-liners, but by practicing presence. By slowing down, breathing, and actually listening - not just to the words, but to the energy beneath them.

When you do that, people feel it. And that’s what builds trust, depth, and real connection.

My mom was in a wheelchair for 12 years and paralyzed for the last 6 years before she passed. I was never going to dance with her at my wedding. She was never going to babysit my children. There was no normal dinner outing with my girlfriends.

This was my truth - years before she passed.

I can't tell you how many people just didn’t know how to be with that. Some tried to "fix" my outlook on things. Others looked at me with sympathy but kept their distance, unsure of what to say.

The ones who actually helped the most? They were just there. Present. They didn’t need to say the perfect thing or offer solutions or try to distract with a joke. They could sit with the weight of my eventual loss without trying to fix it. They could sense when I needed space and when I needed a presence beside me.

That’s real emotional intelligence.

It’s not about what you say. It’s about how deeply you can feel the reality of another human being’s experience without letting it hijack you.

Presence is the foundation. Authentic leadership is the result. And real emotional intelligence follows.

Don’t fake it. Embody it.

And if you're struggling, reach out to me for help.

#Leadership #Grief #Management #EmotionalIntelligence #Authenticity #Presence

Jesse Chen helps high-performers reclaim power, purpose, and peace through transformational leadership. A former corporate executive turned coach, entrepreneur, and speaker, he bridges indigenous wisdom with executive strategy to guide leaders beyond burnout, fear, and unconscious conditioning. He is the founder of The Leadership Mystery School and creator of The Way of the Leader—helping men and women master their ego so they can navigate the ego in others—and Warrior Rising, a masculine mastery path for men healing from grief, trauma, and unprocessed pain. When he’s not coaching, you’ll find him surfing, lifting, boxing, or diving into ancestral traditions. His door is always open—even if his calendar isn’t.