Emotional Intelligence Literature Review

I had always been vaguely familiar with the concept of emotional intelligence (also known as EQ), but it was not until a professor stated in one of my business courses that emotional intelligence was the biggest predictor of success that it really caught my attention. It is commonly held by psychologists that EQ has a bigger impact on success than IQ does.

I have always felt that I lack emotional intelligence. A huge driver of this is my hearing loss, which I have felt has consistently put me behind socially. I feel like because I don't always hear what people are saying correctly, I misinterpret a lot of things and thus have little social awareness.

About two years ago, I embarked on a quest to learn logic in preparation for my consulting interviews. I read many books, studied advanced mathematics, and found opportunities to apply problem-solving. Through this endeavor, I felt like I was able to train my brain to think more logically. If I could learn logic, I figured I could do the same for emotions.

In August 2022, I decided to start a year-long study on emotional intelligence and how to apply it. I tried to read every book available at my local library on the subject. I also delved into adjacent related subjects, realizing that business relations, marriage, and raising children all share very common themes since human emotion is at the core of them all. In addition, I took advantage of being a master’s student to sit in on several university classes focusing on cognitive and relational therapy. Finally, I have been working with a therapist for the last 10 months to discuss and try to apply the principles I was learning. Here are my top 5 key takeaways from my comprehensive study of emotional intelligence:

1. Emotional Intelligence primarily entails understanding and regulating one's emotions
2. Responding positively to bids for connection significantly contributes to building secure relationships
3. Effective communication about feelings surpasses intuitive understanding of emotions
4. Governing the narratives we construct empowers us to rewire our thought patterns
5. Emotions and logic harmoniously intertwine rather than conflict

A quick disclaimer: the following is not a peer-reviewed academic study, but rather reflects my own informed opinions drawn from the material and based on my own anecdotal experiences. I attempt to draw upon themes and impressions that I found, rather than using direct citations. This is more of a personal review to help me retain what I've learned, but I decided to also share it since others might find value in it.

1. Regulating One's Emotions

When I used to think of emotional intelligence, I believed it primarily referred to the ability to read and respond to the emotions of others. While understanding others' emotions is indeed a part of EQ, it merely represents the visible tip of the iceberg. Emotional intelligence is actually founded on a much larger base of self-awareness and self-regulation.?

American psychologist Daniel Goleman who is known for his extensive contributions to the felid of emotional intelligence outlines that relationship management is built upon a foundation of social awareness and self-management, which, in turn, is built upon self-awareness. The American researcher Brené Brown who is known for her work on vulnerability, courage, empathy, and shame also emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and self-management. She extensively discusses understanding our own emotions and highlights that acting from a place of vulnerability and self-understanding can be a powerful source of strength.?

If you can regulate your own emotions, soothe yourself when you feel overwhelmed, and motivate yourself when you face discouragement, you are already in a very powerful position to achieve success, even without necessarily understanding others.

2. Responding Positively to Bids for Connection

It's the little things that make a big difference, especially when building trust and security with others. John Gottman, the American psychologist and researcher renowned for his groundbreaking studies on marital stability, divorce prediction, and couples' interactions, repeatedly highlights the way someone responds to a bid for connection is the single largest factor that accounts for most of the variance in the quality of a relationship. A bid for connection occurs when someone reaches out to you in some way. This could be:

• A text message from a friend
• A co-worker inviting you to lunch
• Your spouse sitting down right next to you on the couch
• Your child showing you their latest discovery
• A stranger making eye contact with you and smiling

In all of these cases, another human being is expressing an interest in connecting with you. If you value your relationship with that person, it is crucial to validate their attempt to connect with some sort of positive response. You do not necessarily need to fulfill their request or engage with them, but you do need to send some signal that you still have a positive relationship. Ignoring them will create anxiety and uncertainty. Worse, responding negatively, or lashing out will hurt, jeopardize trust, and destroy security.?

I must acknowledge that in the digital age, responding to every bid for connection is challenging, given that we are constantly bombarded with people vying for our attention. This causes much anxiety in people on the receiving end of bids, leading the average person to often try to hide from outreach, which usually results in just ignoring these bids. However, I believe this presents you with an easy opportunity to differentiate yourself from the average person.

By prioritizing which relationships truly matter to you and consistently responding positively to bids for connection, you will set yourself apart from others. People will know they can trust and rely on you, knowing you will be there when they need you. A simple reaction to a text message or returning a smile across the street has very low upfront costs but can yield high long-term dividends.

3. Effective Communication about Feelings

Knowing social cues is essential for successful engagement with others, but understanding how to communicate the meaning behind these social cues is even more crucial. Responding correctly to social cues plays a significant role in building relationships. Dutch-born American psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk known for his significant contributions to the field of trauma and its effects on mental health points out that a mother's ability to accurately respond to her baby's social cues can greatly impact the baby's future levels of anxiety and security. Therefore, social cues hold immense importance.

Yet, conducting a study on social cues faces one significant challenge. There is no universal set of social cues as they differ from person to person. For a long time, scholars like Paul Ekman reinforced Charles Darwin's theory that facial expressions are evolutionary and universal. However, Sergio Jarillo and Carlos Crivelli's attempts to replicate such studies with an indigenous tribe hardly touched by Western Civilization, the Trobriands, found that they struggled to correctly interpret even the most common facial expressions of Westerners. This strongly suggests that facial expressions are more a result of culture rather than genetics. Furthermore, even within Western Civilization, everyone has their own idiosyncratic cues. While one can learn general cues by interacting with many people, the only way to truly understand a person's idiosyncrasies is through open communication.

Gottman underscores that spouses do not possess the ability to read each other's minds, surprising many couples. If you want to get what you want, you must communicate your desires and the meanings behind the cues you give. Otherwise, you leave your partner guessing. Brown also emphasizes the importance of putting words to feelings so that one can better understand and express them. She compares it to a map in her book Atlas of the Heart. When someone has the understanding and ability to articulate the meaning of certain emotions and actions, it opens the door for a great amount of empathy as well as more fluid and resonating communication.

4. Governing the Narratives we Construct

Stories make the world go around. From the dawn of empires to the myths of polytheistic gods, to the rise of monotheistic religions, to the establishment of bordered nation-states, to the ideologies of democracy and communism, to the lobbying of brands and corporations, people have used the power of stories to control the masses. Stories are powerful.?

The psychiatrist Carl Jung postulated that humans interpret the world through the lens of stories, and thus, those who can control their stories can control their own life. Both Jordan Peterson and Bessel van der Kolk describe instances in their clinical work of how victims overcome or were able to avoid trauma simply by changing the stories they tell themselves. In my opinion one of the most incredible of these accounts is given by Kolk, describing a young boy who came out of 9/11 completely unscathed despite witnessing people jumping out of the Twin Towers. The boy simply imagined a trampoline at the base of the building that he told himself the people jumping out of the building would land on.?

All cognitive therapy is really just helping patients change the stories they tell themselves about the world. From my own experience, ultimate discipline comes from controlling my internal monologue. If I can control what I tell myself, I can do anything within my capacity. It’s simple, but not easy though. Eventually, over time, we build thinking habits, which makes it easier for us to believe the stories we tell ourselves. Too often, I think we try to conform reality to the story we tell ourselves. The hallmark of a truly wise person in my opinion is to humble themselves and try to align the stories they tell themselves with reality.

5. Emotions and Logic Harmoniously Intertwine

"You are being too logical; I wish you were more emotional." Forms of this statement are often said by a party that seeks emotional validation to another party focused solely on solving a perceived problem. It implies that logic and emotions are opposites, suggesting that one can only be either logical or emotional, but not both. To some extent, I used to believe this myself because I feel like that is what society tells us. However, I have come to realize that logic and emotions can actually complement each other in a harmonious way.

When someone is accused of being too logical, it is usually because they are disregarding or failing to consider other person's emotions. Rather than advocating for the removal of logic, the solution lies in recognizing emotions as an additional dimension to analyze and understand. In fact, it’s probably a good thing the accused problem solver is at least being logical because if they weren't, the conversation would likely become more toxic.

Considering emotions from a logical standpoint enables us to navigate our feelings more effectively and opens the door for greater empathy and understanding. For some people, this comes naturally, and they don't have to consciously think about it; we tend to see it as instinctual rather than logical. However, for individuals who tend to lean more toward logical thinking than emotional feeling (referring to the Myers-Briggs definitions), adopting the consistent practice of logically applying emotional principles may be necessary before it becomes second nature. I am one of those individuals who require this consistent practice, and I am sure I am not alone in this.

While much of the content in this section represents my personal opinion, I am sharing these thoughts because my initial perspective that logic and emotions are distinctly separate has shifted. I now believe that emotional intelligence involves the conscious regulation and logical application of emotions.