The Road We Travel: E.I. Life Lessons - as told by my teenage self.

Growing up with a single dad who had a very limited scope on being a teenage girl brought us many opportunities to learn and laugh through. At 14 I moved in with my dad - who up until this point had been a weekend dad and was your typical "guy's guy" in the early 2000s. So, when I moved in with him full time in the middle of my freshmen year of high school, we had a lot to learn about each other. One of the first lessons dear ol' dad had to learn was that every event needed a new outfit, usually with a theme, and there were a lot of events as I joined every school club or organization that would have me. (Read: Codependency level 100 - but we'll address that at another time.)

For a quick glimpse into what that looked like.

His best advice for his highly active and often overly emotional daughter was to "keep your highs low and your lows high." Which in laymen's term means don't let your emotions get the best of you. This mentality, especially for teenagers, allows one to focus on the balance of celebrating successes with humility and maintaining perceived failures with optimism. I worked diligently to try to heed this advice and even though I logically understood the premise of not allowing your emotions to get the best of you I struggled to put it into action, and I often ended up looking like the diagram below.

As a teenager I saw life as black and white and so I took the challenge of managing my emotions very literally. To achieve emotions management, I began limiting my celebration of the things I was doing well, and I would pretend as if disappointments didn't impact me. Coupling these unhealthy emotional techniques with self-esteem issues, I continued down a self-deprecating path through my early adulthood. I did not give much thought to how I spoke to myself and would downplay my wins; "Of course I was chosen, I was the only person available" or brush off my losses, "I didn't really want that opportunity anyways."

In 2004, when my dad first gave me the highs and lows advice the term Emotional Intelligence was still gaining slow notoriety in psychology papers and there had been under 20 books published on the topic. It was actually 2017 before I heard the term Emotional Intelligence and learned that not only is there such a thing as being emotionally "smart" but it is a skillset that you can actually practice and improve. This marked the first time I ever imagined that we can be proactive with our emotions versus reactive.

My world was opened with books, podcasts, conferences, and more about Emotional Intelligence! With the newfound knowledge that emotions are tools to help me understand myself and others I knew limiting my highs or minimizing my lows was not the goal of life. Moreover, tapping into those emotions and understanding what behavior caused them to change and what to do about it in the future allows you to grow exponentially.

The foundational lesson my dad taught me was that I may not always be in control of my emotional response, but I am ultimately responsible for the actions or reactions it causes. This early lesson in personal ownership of my emotional responses and behavior reactions to the world around me would ultimately set in motion my thirst for learning more about Emotional Intelligence.

Below are the four steps I use to identify what my emotional responses are telling me so I can create long-lasting solutions.

Emotion Arises

1. Name the emotion (Link to Brene Brown's List of Emotions)
2. Identify what words or behavior you or someone else did that caused the initial emotional response.
3. Decide the following: A) The emotional response is Valid (the words or behavior needs to be address) B)The emotional response is Reactive (the words or behavior did not warrant the emotional response.)
4. Create A Plan Why did the words or behaviors cause this emotional response? Who did the behavior? What is the replacement behavior? When does this need to change or be corrected? Where is an appropriate place to communicate?

Examples:

Valid Emotional Response - Embarrassment Scenario: In a presentation meeting with your boss and colleagues your co-worker, John, identifies a mistake you've made by laughing and making a sarcastic comment to the group.

WHY: You want to maintain confidence and have accurate information in meetings WHO: Co-Worker WHAT: Bring errors to your attention offline WHEN: Prior to the next meeting WHERE: In a private or confidential meeting place

Sample Script to Set a Meeting: "Hi John, thank you for the feedback you provided in the meeting. I would like to have a few moments of your time to review the information - when would you have 10 minutes available for us to speak?"

Sample Script Conversation Opener: "Thank you for meeting with me John. Thank you for sharing the error in the presentation with me so I could correct it. In the future if you could partner with me directly if you see an error in my work, I would appreciate that rather than to be 'called out' in front of our peers. Is there anything I can do to help this in the future?"

This conversation opener is direct and clear while still creating a collaborative space.

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Reactive Emotional Response - Embarrassed Scenario: You are late to a meeting already in progress.

WHY: You are supposed to be on time and prepared for meetings WHO: Self WHAT: Set reminder alarms and notifications in advance to be on time for meetings WHEN: Prior to the next meeting WHERE: N/A - Self Talk BONUS POINTS: Share you plans for changed behavior with others.

Taking audible ownership by communicating with your boss and peers not only helps hold you accountable but it also shows others how to safely exhibit vulnerability by your willingness to fail forward.

Even when our own behaviors cause an emotional response and there were no other “perpetrators or victims" we still want to create a plan to prevent embarrassment in the future.

If you are at the beginning stages of elevating your Emotional Intelligence, it can feel lonely, and your growth is often not celebrated by others. I promise that consistent efforts will support your goals and in time your true inner-circle will see the change in you. From there you can influence and help others understand and build their own Emotional Intelligence.

With over 7 billion people on this planet, you can only do your 1/7,000,000,000th.  Which is why I challenge each and every one of us to work more authentically through life.