Emotional Intelligence for Everybody Else: Part 4- Compassion

Introduction to Compassion

Nearly a year ago I wrote “11 Promises from a Manager .” It’s been read millions and millions of times, way more than everything else I’ve ever written, combined.

In the year since, I’ve been coaching people on leadership and management, and I’ve been reading and writing about emotional intelligence. I think I understand why it’s resonated with so many people.

I called the list “promises” because I was thinking of all the ways I’ve fallen short as a manager. As I read thousands of messages people have sent me since, it’s amazing how full of hope and optimism they are. They’re full of the wishes and dreams people have for how they want to be treated by the managers they have in the future.

I'm inspired by managers who are doing an amazing job. I am learning so much from so many of you. I am also hearing from people who are suffering from mistreatment by their managers. Some from tiny discourtesies, and some from reckless disregard. There are a lot of hearts and souls out there that are really taking a beating. I’m listening, and I hear you.

Compassion literally means “to suffer together” but by now I think we've done enough of that. People want leaders to make choices that show that we understand them. That’s how I see the 11 Promises today. They're compassionate and understanding choices that managers can make to show that we understand . That’s what this chapter is about.

What Matters Most

Compassion at work is misunderstood. When people think of compassionate behavior, they think of an HR person, a cooling cup of chamomile tea, and a soggy box of tissues.

They imagine emotional conversations behind closed doors, and someone sobbing uncontrollably. Stoic colleagues roll their eyes as one employee follows another out the door. They are fleeing a meeting that’s gone off the rails. They’ll head out to the courtyard for a smoke, or maybe to the nearest restroom to decompress.

I watched a truly alarming training video on a popular networking site. The instructor was meant to be preparing me for handling “difficult conversations.” She read me a script for handling an emotional employee, it went like this: “Sarah, could you please give me some ideas for how you can avoid becoming emotional every time we talk?”

Lady, this is not ok. If you’re a manager who needs to be kept safe from employees with emotions, maybe you should consider keeping an aquarium instead. Try this script: “Sarah, are there any ways that I can remove obstacles to your success.” If your employee gets emotional, you could say “I can see this is a difficult conversation. Should we stop, or do you want to keep going?”

Managers do not have a right to an environment free from evidence of their colleagues’ emotions. In a healthy workplace, people are going to express their gender, their religion, and all kinds of other stuff, whether you like it or not.

Compassion call on you to have an open heart and an open mind as you encourage the people you work with to feel safe in expressing themselves in appropriate ways.

If employees feels safe to shout about a sporting result, or high-five when they close a business deal, others should feel safe crying about some bad news. Co-workers should normalize this. That’s all part of being inclusive, and the word compassionate incorporates a similar idea.

In a compassionate workplace, it’s safe to cry, and it’s fine to high-five. The doors can stay open. In a tense meeting, you can stay, or you can flee. Nobody will roll their eyes.??