Emotional Intelligence

Our emotional intelligence is the reservoir of feelings, behaviors, and skills that enable us to recognize our emotions and those of others.

The truth is that when we're more emotionally intelligent, we're less likely to be violent or abusive toward those around us. We use conflict resolution skills instead. We know how to ask for what we want in respectful ways and live in tune with our emotions rather than suppress them. We're not so interested in playing the role of victim or martyr. We follow through on what we say we'll do, and practice appreciative listening to others. We care about the needs of others. We're motivated by many things other than money, fame, and power. Most importantly, we're not easily hurt or outraged by others' mistreatment of us or each other because we have the emotional intelligence to feel real empathy for others and ourselves.

We all possess this ability, even if it's untapped or underdeveloped. If you're like most of us, however, you've been taught to ignore your emotions and that emotions are bad. As a result, you may find yourself feeling out of control in many situations—from being stuck in prolonged traffic to coping with relationship difficulties to being passed over for a promotion at work.

In fact, when we suppress our feelings and emotions as children, we miss countless opportunities to ask questions that challenge assumptions about life and help us develop the emotional intelligence we need to be successful as adults.

Through our life experiences, we develop feelings about what's acceptable behavior and what isn't. We may discover that something is wrong when we're picked on, but this doesn't stop us from going through life without learning how to stand up for ourselves. The truth is, being emotionally intelligent early in life can help us make better choices because negative feelings about ourselves and relationships are minimized. We don't have the opportunity to learn that being smart and empathetic is part of what it means to be an adult.

We must learn this as children in order to develop the skills needed for success throughout our lives. If you've been taught that your feelings are bad or shameful, it's hard to get clear about why you feel a certain way at a particular moment. Instead, your mind is likely to be flooded with self-doubt and negative beliefs about yourself. If you've been taught that you always need to be right and that you shouldn't feel vulnerable, this will lead you to see others as competitors. If you've been taught that it's bad to have feelings, it's almost impossible for you to develop healthy relationships.

Why are we so afraid of vulnerability? Why do we struggle with the way we communicate our emotions in a relationship? Why do we put up walls in our relationships to keep people out rather than learn how to stay connected and get what we want from those who care about us? It's because of a lack of emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, understand, and manage our feelings in an effective manner. It's the capacity to regulate emotions so that we're clear about what we need and what we want and can act on these ideas in a helpful, appropriate way. It's the ability to monitor ourselves and others to gain a clearer picture of our goals, needs, and actions. It's about managing our own development as well as relationships with others so that both partners are helped rather than hurt by their interactions. Emotional intelligence provides us with the skills necessary to work through problems that occur in relationships—among friends, family members, coworkers—and enables us to create satisfying and productive intimate relationships.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to effectively communicate our thoughts and feelings. It allows us to recognize when we're feeling a particular way, and it helps us manage those feelings so that we can live our lives in an empowering way.

How do we develop emotional intelligence? 

Most of us learn how to use or ignore emotions from our parents, siblings, and other role models when we're young. By watching how others respond to their own emotions and the emotions of others in their immediate surroundings, most of us learn what to do or not do.

We get better at managing our emotions as we grow older if someone takes an interest in us as individuals rather than lumping us together with other children or teenagers. This happens when we feel we're loved, cared about, and wanted. What this really means is that when you feel good about yourself, you're more likely to be able to regulate your feelings on your own rather than from being told what to do.

The truth is that all of us have developed a certain level of emotional intelligence through our life experiences. The challenge is to develop an awareness of the various ways we can empathize with others and ourselves before making decisions that are likely to negatively affect us in the future.

Emotional intelligence provides us with the skills necessary to work through problems that occur in relationships—among friends, family members, co-workers—and enables us to create satisfying and productive intimate relationships with others. It's the capacity to recognize when a relationship is moving toward closure, or when it might be headed toward problems, and to take effective actions to keep the relationship on track.

People with more emotional intelligence are less likely to experience problems in their relationships than are those who have low levels of emotional intelligence. They're better able to recognize their feelings and express them in ways that allow others to understand them. They learn how to manage conflict by talking it through rather than just avoiding it entirely by ignoring feelings that they feel will hurt others or themselves. In addition, people with high emotional intelligence tend to form more meaningful relationships with people close in life. They are less likely to have a problem in their relationship later on.

Emotional intelligence is extremely useful in any number of professional roles and in personal relationships. These include:

Some suggested exercises for emotional intelligence:

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to identify, understand, and manage our emotions. It facilitates our ability to communicate and think coherently. Emotions drive thoughts and actions, but they are also a strong factor in how we feel about ourselves. Emotional Intelligence is an important part of understanding ourselves as people and how we make decisions that affect others.

The term "emotional intelligence" was first introduced in the late 1980s by organizations such as the International Institute for Management Development (IMD), an organization that researches human resources development worldwide. The concept was further developed at the same time by Mehrabian and Epstein, who indicated that emotional intelligence affects interpersonal communication skills.

The consensus of studies conducted since 1990 suggests that emotional intelligence comprises four abilities:

Emotional self-awareness (also referred to as "self-perception" or "awareness" in a number of studies) is an individual's ability to recognize his or her own emotions as they occur and understand what those emotions mean for one's thoughts and actions. Most researchers attribute the development of emotional self-awareness partly to genetics, partly to environmental factors, and partly to cognitive factors. Research suggests that the ability is not readily changed through training alone.