Emotional Intelligence in Action: Fish guts or forgiveness?

Fish guts. That’s what comes to mind whenever I think about forgiveness.

Forgiveness is one of the toughest challenges we face, especially when the wounds are deep and the scars run long. If you find yourself struggling to forgive those who have hurt you, I want to offer a powerful question that might help you ease more quickly into forgiveness and release:

Are you okay with God using the people who have used you?

When we’re hurt, treated unjustly, or made to suffer by others, our natural instinct is to cling to our own sense of justice. We want those who’ve hurt us to face consequences. But here’s the truth: holding onto unforgiveness can lead to constant anger, frustration, and emotional stagnation—especially if we’re waiting for some form of karmic justice to make things right.

Why we struggle to forgive

Forgiveness often feels like letting someone off the hook. We struggle to accept that those who have wronged us might still deserve grace. Jonah’s story in the Bible offers a powerful example of this struggle and highlights the critical role of emotional intelligence in forgiveness.

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Jonah resisted God’s call to extend a message of grace to the Ninevites, a people who had wronged his own. But his resistance wasn’t just about stubbornness or fear—it was rooted in his lack of emotional intelligence. Jonah knew that God was merciful and that if the Ninevites repented, God would forgive them. And Jonah didn’t want to see them receive that grace because, in his eyes, they didn’t deserve it.

Where Jonah Needed Emotional Intelligence

Jonah’s journey reveals several areas where many of can relate to needing more emotional intelligence:

1. Self-Awareness: Jonah struggled to recognize his own biases and emotions. He let his anger and resentment toward the Ninevites cloud his judgment, preventing him from seeing the bigger picture of God’s mission. Emotional intelligence would have helped Jonah become more aware of these feelings and how they were influencing his actions.
2. Empathy: Jonah lacked empathy for the Ninevites. He couldn’t see them as people capable of change or worthy of God’s grace. By developing empathy, Jonah could have better understood the Ninevites’ potential for transformation and recognized that they, too, deserved a chance at redemption.
3. Managing Emotions: Instead of managing his anger and resentment, Jonah allowed these emotions to dictate his decisions, leading him to flee from God’s call. Emotional intelligence would have enabled Jonah to manage these emotions more effectively, allowing him to act in alignment with God’s purpose rather than his own desire for retribution.
4. Social Awareness: Jonah was focused on his own sense of justice, but he failed to see how God’s grace was meant to be extended to all, including his enemies. Emotional intelligence would have helped Jonah understand the broader implications of his actions and the importance of fulfilling his role in God’s plan.
5. Relationship Management: Jonah’s relationship with God suffered because of his resistance and lack of emotional intelligence. Instead of collaborating with God’s will, Jonah tried to avoid it. By developing his emotional intelligence, Jonah could have worked more effectively with God, embracing his mission rather than running from it.

And this led him to spending days and nights in...fish guts!

How many of us would rather live in the belly of the whale—surrounded by fish guts—than forgive and extend grace to those we genuinely believe don’t deserve it? Are you choosing fish guts?

Living with the stench of anger and resentment... that’s fish guts.

Holding onto unforgiveness and getting trapped in a place of discomfort, darkness, and bitterness—that’s fish guts.

In the belly of the whale, Jonah was isolated, stuck, and unable to move forward. Similarly, when we refuse to forgive, we choose to remain in a state of emotional turmoil, reliving the hurt and anger over and over. It’s like opting to live in the mess of fish guts—unpleasant, stagnant, and toxic—rather than stepping into the light of emotional freedom.

But here’s the good news: extending grace is the release. It’s the fresh air of emotional clarity and peace, allowing ourselves to heal and grow beyond the pain.

Our Sense of Justice vs. God’s Grace—and the Role of Emotional Intelligence

Often, like Jonah, we don’t want to extend forgiveness because it feels like the people who hurt us are getting away with something. But God’s grace isn’t about who deserves it—it’s about His mission, His purpose, and His love. Emotional intelligence helps us understand this deeper truth and apply it to our own lives.

If you’re not okay with God using the people who have used you, you’ll struggle to see them succeed, be happy, or even live in peace. But the moment you can answer “yes” to the question of whether you’re okay with God using them, you open the door to true forgiveness. It doesn’t mean you forget or make yourself vulnerable to further harm, but it does mean you release the burden of holding a grudge and allow yourself to move on.

Reflect and Act

Take some time to reflect on the story of Jonah, and ask yourself if you’re okay with God using the people who have used you. It might just be the key to unlocking forgiveness in your heart and freeing yourself from the weight of anger and resentment.

Again, are you ok with God using people who have used you?

Krystal Tomlinson is a Public Speaking Coach and Thrive Coach serving teams in the Caribbean and North America. She holds Certification from UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Centre in the Science of Happiness and works passionately to help improve workplace wellness and personal productivity. For trainings, workshops and seminar bookings email [email protected]