Emotional Intelligence 101

What exactly is Emotional Intelligence, why does it matter and how do people get better at it? Pretty much everyone has heard about Emotional Intelligence, but lots of the information about it is very academic and pretty theoretical. It is also a HUGE topic and pretty complex

This article is intended as a starter for 10 – a simple guide to what it is and more importantly some of the steps that leaders and business owners can take to improve (even if they’re already pretty strong in this area).

What is it?

Put simply, if IQ is the ability to put knowledge to use in a range of situations, EQ is the ability to understand, manage and constructively use emotions. Think of it as emotional dexterity. It’s a set of skills, abilities and strategies that combine to positive effect.

It has become something of a hot topic at a general level, but the specifics of what is involved and how to develop it are not always clear. Given how complex a topic it can be, that isn’t always helpful because it can get overwhelming to know where to start with it.

At a pretty straightforward and simple level (I’m a fan of simple!) the model I use has 5 areas sitting within the overall definition:

• Self perception (how well you know and manage yourself)
• Self expression (how you show up in the world)
• Interpersonal (how you interact with others)
• Decision making (how well you use your emotions to make good decisions and solve problems)
• Stress Management (how able you are to be resilient and stay positive, even in stressful circumstances)

Why does it matter?

Plenty of research has shown that Emotional Intelligence can be a bigger predictor of success in certain roles than IQ, particularly in leadership roles.

This makes a lot of sense - leadership roles (or running your own business) tend to mean an increased need to be able to communicate and connect with others, and to stay resilient in the face of challenges. The kind of situations that leaders and business owners find themselves in are often emotionally demanding.

If you’re ambitious and wanting to step up in your career, or if you’re supporting someone who is having to step up then Emotional Intelligence can provide a great framework to consider where to get most bang for your buck when considering some of the changes you need to make and the habits that will help

What about personality psychometrics?

Personality psychometrics have been popular for a while now, and they’re not going anywhere any time soon. Whether it is Myers Briggs, DiSC, Clarity 4D, Insights… there’s a good chance you’ve done one or more of these, or at least an online free version based on one of them.

I’ve seen people get some great insights from these, especially when used with teams. Exploring what people prefer, how they are similar and how they are different can make for some really helpful conversations and agreeing rules of engagement.

But personality is not a predictor of success when it comes to leadership roles. Most roles can be done perfectly well by a variety of different personalities, especially if they have a mix of personality types in their supporting team

Personality is more about who you are than what you do. Understanding yourself is a fundamental building block of Emotional Intelligence so it can make sense to explore it as part of the topic as a whole, but stopping with just the personality psychometrics can be a missed opportunity

How does someone actually go about becoming more emotionally intelligent?

There are some fundamental aspects of Emotional Intelligence that have been shown to be particularly important when it comes to developing the overall level. Essentially, consider these the first building blocks to start with

• Being aware of your own emotions
• Being aware of other peoples’ emotions
• Being able to predict how others will feel based on how you act

 Your own emotions

It might sound basic to say you need to be aware of your emotions as you’re experiencing them, but bear with me. Ever looked back on a discussion and realised you were more annoyed than you thought? And that it probably showed? Yep. Me too

Most of us are just fine at realising what emotions we have experienced, but we don’t always catch it in the moment. And as a result, there are times where we react to things rather than respond. The better we get at noticing the emotion that is going on, the easier it becomes to regulate our emotional state, and to choose behaviours and approaches that will be geared towards the result we want rather than to expressing the emotion we are feeling at the time

On a practical level, one thing that can help is to get really specific about labelling the emotion you’re experiencing. Rather than ‘I’m annoyed’, ‘I’m frustrated that Sam hasn’t sent me the information they promised’. Getting specific in this way does two things

• Helps create a ‘distance’ from the emotion which can then help to regulate it
• Helps point to the cause of the emotion which can help identify how to resolve issues

Other peoples’ emotions

If it can be tricky at times to notice our own emotions in the moment, reading other people adds a whole other set of challenges. Some people are very expressive of the emotions they are experiencing, others less so. And then there are the times when people may purposely hide what they are feeling

The move to more remote working has made this aspect of EQ more difficult – in person there are often more non verbal cues that can make it easier to read the room. On Zoom or teams, trying to read expressions is nigh on impossible, even if everyone has their camera on

Again, there are some simple ways to make this easier. Start by consciously making the effort to ask how others are feeling rather than leaving it to guesswork. The more you focus on listening, the more people will express themselves.

As an introvert, I used to be known for my poker face during senior team discussions. More extroverted members of the team struggled with it, sometimes wondering whether I was bored, disengaged or thought their ideas were terrible. The truth was normally none of those things – I was simply processing my thoughts internally before expressing them. Instead of assuming the worst, they got into the habit of asking how I felt. And the more aware I was that my lack of expression could be unnerving, the more I made the effort to express myself.

If people are cautious about expressing themselves in a team discussion or meeting, it can also help to check in individually. This is often needed when either a team is newly formed or where there’s a new leader or team member. Trust takes time to build and people can be nervous of the consequences of expressing themselves honestly until they know it is safe 

Predicting responses

Empathy is a critical skill within Emotional Intelligence. The better the ability to step into other people’s shoes and anticipate how they will feel and respond to things, the easier life gets for leaders because it is easier to get buy in and to maintain morale and goodwill

We’ve all experienced the moment when someone gets this horribly wrong. Just in the last few weeks I have heard examples of a leader cheerfully announcing a promotion in a team meeting without recognising that the person who didn’t get promoted may not see it as good news

And a business owner who had a client reply to their email by sending more work through, completely ignoring that the initial email said they weren’t well and were going for a covid test!

Even those who are naturally empathetic and who are able to predict other people’s responses can find it more of a challenge when the pressure is on. This often leads to them shifting from a people focus to a task focus and things which would have been approached collaboratively are suddenly a directive from on high rather than a team effort

Empathy isn’t about being fluffy or avoiding anything that will upset someone. It is about being prepared for the response and finding ways to minimise any negative impact. An HR director I once worked with used to have a rule of ‘never giving bad news on a Friday’ because they recognised that sending people home to stew over a weekend was unnecessary.

It’s also worth saying that being empathetic is a skill where most of us overestimate our ability! We tend to judge ourselves on our intentions (we tried to be considerate) rather than the results (the way our actions resulted in someone feeling)

There is so much to gain from staying aware of and practising empathy. Get it wrong and it can take double the effort to reverse the impact compared to taking the time to practise it from the start

If you or your team want to improve your Emotional Intelligence, I am accredited to deliver the EQi assessment and feedback. EQi is an inventory and reporting tool which highlights current levels of Emotional Intelligence and pinpoints which specific skills can give you most impact through a development focus.

It’s been a game-changer for some of my coaching clients and is available as a standalone session. Message me to find out more.