Emotional commenting: to post, or not to post?
Alice Lyons ??
Turning good eggs into great leaders | Work Confidence Person | Leadership + management trainer | Coach, mentor + facilitator | Suicidality speaker, writer + podcaster | Get seen, heard, and taken seriously.
?? You know that gut-punch feeling you get when you realise you’ve upset someone but reaaaaallly didn’t mean to?
It's hideous. And it’s a feeling I get relatively often on LinkedIn.
Not necessarily with the original posts I put out, but with the comments I leave on other people’s threads.
?? In last week’s newsletter [Viral Bandwagons] I spoke about the pros and cons of engaging with viral posts and the inevitable emotional shitstorm they kick up.
I’m going to expand on one of the points that I made there because it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot this week, and I haven’t really seen anyone talking about it publicly.
???? It’s the idea of commenting etiquette. ????
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When we talk about posting content on LinkedIn, the majority of us will think about the organic posts we put out on our feeds.
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?? But thanks to LinkedIn’s 'quirky' habit of recording all of your activity and storing it on your profile so that it’s searchable, it effectively turns any of your comments into a form of content as well.
Herein lies a problem,
because unlike the posts on our feeds - which for most of us will involve a decent amount of editing and thought – our comments are often decidedly less thoughtful.
To quote my previous newsletter:
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“Often, people will react rather than respond to the source material, because the post will normally trigger that reactive part of our primal brain chemistry (which is how it went viral in the first place.)”
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?? In other words, we fire off without thinking about what we’re saying, who might be reading, or how they might be affected by it.
?As such, we might be riddled with ‘posters remorse’ later when we have a chance to cool down and read it back.
?? And this is especially potent if what we’ve said seems to have upset someone else.
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?? I notice that I’ve been deleting more comments recently than ever before, and it’s not because I fundamentally disagree with what I’ve said. It's because I realise that the way I said it wasn't quite right.
?? And it normally happens when I've been scrolling for a long time and have been unconsciously absorbing the emotions of other people on the platform (quick shout out for the idea of 'conscious scrolling' which will be the focus of a future newsletter.)
The trouble with commenting from an emotional place is that thoughtfulness is often collateral damage.
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?? So, am I fundamentally against reacting emotionally to other people’s posts?
Absolutely not.
Because sometimes, eloquence and well-measured objectivity may not actually be the best option.
?? Think about it: how many times in real life, when you go to have an argument with somebody, will you be completely calm and unemotional?
But there's a narrative around online discourse (and I'm sure I'm guilty of saying it at times too) that we should take a breath and step back before responding.
As much as that can make sense to do (and probably results in a comment that you'll be happier with further down the line) sometimes, emotional responses can be a good thing.
? Especially when it comes to challenging something which you believe to be wrong.
?I know many of you reading this will be socially minded and you want to build safe, inclusive spaces, both online and in real life.
?? So it will upset you when people post offensive or questionable content (for example, anything sexist, misogynistic, transphobic, or otherwise offensive to particular social groups.)
Is it right to go away and have a think about how to respond before you do so?
Perhaps...
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But if this were to happen in real life, right in front of you, would you do the same thing?
Would you step away to collect your thoughts and come back with cool, calm rationality to combat the speaker?
Maybe not.
???? Because the best thing in the moment could be to engage in that conversation. ????
To challenge that point of view and to put another opinion out there.
This is what a lot of the work of allyship involves; engaging in conversations which can feel uncomfortable, scary and yes - emotional.
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But that's not to say that it's wrong.
In the online space, we can get intimidated by the fact that everything is so visible. A lot of people can see the way we conduct ourselves and the things we say and believe in.
This is understandably intimidating for us as individuals.
But if we really want to be a force for good in the world, we have to stop putting our own comfort over and above the needs of others.
???? They are both important., and so, sometimes, putting ourselves out there and risking discomfort is the right thing to do.
Challenging conversations can feel bad. But wouldn't it feel worse to see offensive, destructive, or even just questionable views run amok online without being challenged?
I'm not saying to always or forcefully enter into arguments for the sake of it.
But if you get that intuitive nudge to get involved, perhaps it’s worth doing.
? COACHING QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF??
1.?????What do I think of the views in this post? Do I agree with them?
2.?????Do I feel my opinion could contribute positively to the conversation, e.g. through presenting a nuanced take on the topic, or presenting some expertise or an anecdote to present a different point of view?
3.?????How can I deliver this comment in a way that challenges the point in the post rather than the person posting it?
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That last question is incredibly important.
Too often online, conversations can devolve into character assassinations and cancel culture, and I think the main issue is that we can make assumptions and accusations about people rather than their points.
If you take nothing else from today’s newsletter, it’s to always attempt to do the opposite.
-?????? Alice Lyons ?? ??
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Brand Identity Expert | Building the #1 Identity Program for Growing Businesses: The Identity 360°. Rebranding done different ?? Co-Founder at The Orange Notebook
2 年I'm not quuuuuite that delicate. So if I upset someone and I didn't mean to, I'll say so. If they're still upset... ??♀? Well there goes that! I do sometimes embrace my #snowflakelife umbrella too. Just for sh*ts and giggles. And sometimes I have very serious posts with deep aspects of me that people get inflamed over and get triggered in their own way. Had someone a couple a weeks back sharing my post with some shouty caps look that her duty to inform was that what I said was wrong. If she had taken a moment to get her tighty-whities out of a twist, she'd have realised that what I said was by no means antagonising her position. But she got annoyed. And felt the need to "correct" me. Which made me react with a big, fat MEH! Short answer: always post. Always comment! Better than never saying a word! It really does depend on what day you catch me though ??????
Helping B2B Teams Win More (and Lose Less) | Early Stage Positioning & Win-Loss Analysis | Consultancy, Workshops & 101 Training ????
2 年Alice Lyons ?? yet another great topic in your series! Commenting can be such a thorny issue... On a tangent, text-based communication can be tricky. As writers, we may mean something absolutely benign and yet be perceived negatively. As a recipient, it is quite easy to read into the comment and/or project one's own emotions onto it... Not even going into the minefield of commenters from different cultures and non-native English speakers...
- | Actor ? Artist ? Author ? Musician | - ? Ph.D Student in Ergodic Literature ? - Own Your Broken
2 年I think we met earlier today over one of my comments that was perhaps too react-y, so this was a good read. Some points to take and learn from!
General Manager/Founder/MD Whaley Bridge Canal Group CIC
2 年Brilliant, as ever. I'm one to over analyse every word;?a frustrated writer or probably more, as Brendan said, a drinker with writing problems. We should make it as easy as possible for people to complain, sometimes this can result in some very public and possibly detrimental comments. It's definitely worth it though. Far too often we're listening to respond and not to understand. The same is more or less the same when we read something online. Keyboard warriors are far more prevalent that Mr Angry firing off a letter to the local newspaper. Sometimes that raw emotion is what we need to hear. Never thought that I'd find myself quoting Jung, not without adding a line from Frasier, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” We don't have to accept wholly what is said to us or be nuanced in our responses. I have even been known to adopt a slightly sardonic tone, even when I worked for someone else. Whilst I find myself funny I also appreciate that not everyone may be on the same high wire act that I am :-) Be honest with yourself. "Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it - which of these two attitudes is the least destructive? I don't know." —?Paulo Coelho
Families are Changing | Solo Mom by Choice (SMBC) Champion | Speaker
2 年I Know that gut punch feeling well!!